This Thing On?

Well, goddamn. I even miss myself.

Anyone know a good cure for coming down off of Christmas crack, lemme know.

That was a lil off the wall this year. My apologies. Not really, though. I'm sure it's just gonna get worse & more out of control............. I frighten myself.

What frightens me more is that there is not one blog entry here for the entire month of December.

But I am back on my venture for documenting my insanity, and my keeping up with others in the blogosphere.

I got some good stories & topics under my belt I plan to share with you in time.

I figured I should give some type of explanation here. Not always the easiest sometimes getting back into the swing of things, but that's where I'm headed.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmahanakwanzika, & got a big ol' nut sack.

Grandpa's Goin' Away for A While

The title has nothing to do with the post. Sorry if I was misleading.

Grandpa's fine. It's a line my father used on Thanksgiving after his father started coughing at the table, and it's been stuck in my head. Maybe it was all the uncontrollable howling after he wheeled him away. Poor grandpa. I say it all the time, old doesn't mean senile. The man has ears.

Though I guess when you go from a Nuclear Physicist to Depenz, it's pretty much all over.

Why do I love explosions again? In the blood? (I am the great, great niece of Ireland's most revolutionary leader as well, and a cousin of Tony Bennett, but whatever) Hmm. You learn something new everyday.

(*Cough. Add Louie DeLuigi to the list. Yes the sausage guy. I guess he was hit by a tractor trailer. Lawd, that's funny & I'm going to hell)

Anywho, this post is really about my delirious absence. I've spoken of this absence before. And here we are, not even December 1st & what I've already gotten myself into.....

This thing lights up at nigh, and it has windows made out of lollipops & butterscotch. It's outta control.

 

It hasn't even freakin' begun is the scariest part!!

I am a very crafty person, and I become very engulfed by my projects.

For at least one month in the winter with me, it's Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, like a goddamn crusade.

And then for at least one month in the spring, it's gardening, gardening, gardening, when I'm getting all my seeds in.

But every year, my dad would make me wait in total impatience for the day after Thanksgiving, and even as a wee one, I would throw on my Santa hat & start lugging all the shit up from the basement.

Now that I can do it my way, I've got my indoor garland lights up & one gingerbread house down already, and getting my tree(s) during the week. Sorry, dad. That rule was torture.

Christmas is a psychedelic, joyous fucking wonderland, and that simply doesn't last enough.

I don't even give a shit about presents. You got fn lights & chipmunks singing happy songs, falling from lollipop trees on strings & bright fn colors everywhere, people all happy with warm hearts & cookies & cake rolls & shit? We're. Good!!

So, in case I'm not posting for many days at a time, it's not because worms have eaten through my brain.

I'm just busy, high on Christmas crack. Still tweeting nearly everyday, though. Who has the strength to fight that addiction? I mean, c'mon.

Now I can't make any promises that you won't see much of me posting. I know, sucks for you.

Because if/when the urge & inspiration knocks me out of my X-mas coma, I'm headed straight here.

I'm sure as my seasonal run-ins with humor & disaster pick up, so will my posting, but right now the elves have me in lock down, vomiting cheer all over the walls.

I have to make trains & shit. Not because I'm being held at gunpoint, but because.........well, yes, the little people in pointy shoes living in my head are indeed holding me at gunpoint. "Make the train, bitch, or the reindeer gets it."

Can you see the disaster in store? The fate of X-mas lies on my nut sack.

I'm sorry, but that was so much so much better than shoulders. And now you've all seen mine, so I can never surprise you with it. F'n great

You're Twisted Too. What's Your Damage?

Because if you didn't find any amusement in some kind of twisted humor, you probably wouldn't be following this blog. Well, today we're talking about a particular category of twisted humor - Accidental Humor.

Now, this has the potential to create some conflicting feedback due to the nature of some the accidental shit I'm about to elaborate on here, and you may find yourself saying "But pixi, there's nothing funny about wheelchair accidents."

Well, put aside all that sucks about it (and yes it does, and we know it does) & focus on funny (because there's funny in everything, there has to be), and yes there is something funny about it, just ask my mom (or your mom). That's mines favorite kind of humor.

In fact, I had to go through hell to find her an episode of "A Thousand Ways to Die" because I made the mistake of telling her somebody in a wheelchair rolled down a ramp smoking a cigarette with an oxygen tank & blew up. I think it made her year. But it worked out for both of us. She loves wheelchair accidents, I love explosions. True mother-daughter bonding time!


But don't tell me if you were sitting in front of your TV, with peripheral view of your picture window, and somebody fell out of a tree in your front yard & thumped on your lawn like a sack of potatoes, you wouldn't piss your pants. I know, or call the police.


But I'd like to argue that we all have some kind of Three Stooges type shit that just tickles our funny bone to tears. Those guys weren't so damn funny for their time for no good reason.

For some it may be explosions or stunts gone wrong. For others it may be people falling down stairs, or people being hit by cars (and obviously surviving unscathed, or you'd just be a sinister sicko, and there is a fine line)


As I've already given away my secret, we'll start with the first one.....

EXPLOSIONS! - How many times I rewound the video of the day some friends & I got together with some Warhead Launchers & Melons was disturbing, laughing till I cried every time. I don't know if I'll ever know what it is.

 

+

=

=

EVERYTHING about explosions is funny. Cept' when they kill thousands of people, but remember this post is about flowers & funny. And a lil bit about explosive diarrhea as well.

Admittedly, as a youngster I never laughed at the clown, though I laughed at the pie in the face simply because it made a BAM sound & basically exploded in the scary fucking clown's face.

But if you wanted to see a child such as me amused (or laughing like a crazy hyena) for hours, you would have given me a toy like this.

 True story.

 And that's how kids grow up to be terrorists, folks.

Aaand now I just totally gave myself away.

(Can you say that on the Internet? Should I lock my doors?)

Anywho, next up.....

FALLING! - You people are fuckin' sick. But hey, like I said, I'm not gonna judge. Something about it strikes you as inexplicably funny as explosions do for me. Okay, and A LOT of times it's funnier than fuckin' HELL. Or funny as all hell. I don't wtf's ever been funny about hell.

It's just that being that I'm 28 yet on some days feel like a f-ing 80 year old with osteoarthritis (& a medical buff, always have to be the one to take care of every dumb ass mofo), I'm just afraid of falling, and particularly that my life will end on a staircase. No, I'm not clumsy in bed. Just frail, okay.

Look at him GO!

(Now, sadly, as traumatic & gruesome it would be & the years of therapy it would take to heal, if his head were like that of a watermelon & exploded all over the stairs, I'd maybe pee my pants a lil. Strictly from explosive impact, which is highly unlikely)

Now tell me you've seen a grown man purposely sled down the stairs, but unintentionally get up to speeds of 90mph as you swore smoke bellowed from his asshole, because I know that was the closest I ever truly came to peeing my pants in my adult years.

I talk a lot about peeing my pants, huh. Great expression. Is it awkward for you?

Now you should know that it wasn't exactly the stunt itself that triggered the response (nor the magic mushrooms that night), but the fact that his head smacked. every. step on the way down. Oh LORDY!!

Keep it together my ass.

Or it's like watching your girlfriend fly sideways through the air like a human Frisbee with wings, off of a skateboard, and classic belly flop out onto the middle of the street as her board flies through the air in the opposite direction, heading for the window of a nearby truck.

And you know she's probably really hurt, but you're still falling apart on the sidewalk, unable to even catch your breath or move because WTF was THAT?!

We're all going to hell, but it sounds like a fun place, doesn't it.

Onward....

MOBILE ACCIDENTS - And not necessarily limited to automobiles, but mobility of many kinds; Go-Karts, flying saucers, roller skates.

This shit is pure gold, and we all fucking know it. 

Now I recall getting run over by a sled & being in an eye patch like a sad pirate for three weeks, but according to Google this is more common on a sled/saucer/what have you...

Turkey's Done!

OH! You're fucked.

What is it that we all love so much about that helpless forward stumbling motion of a dip shit falling on roller skates.

Though, oddly enough, I had one hell of a time finding pics of dip shits falling forward on roller skates, so I had to go with drunken roller slut seeing it was much more pleasant than the monsters of the roller derby. (I think I just came up with a good 2012 calendar)

Or why is it always the smaller the vehicle, the funnier the crash.

BOUNCE, you rolling lil sausage! Watch your vertebrae. It's all fun & games till someone gets a metal plate & a Percocet addiction.

 

And for another old favorite....

THE WALL/OBJECT CRASH - IMPACT (Which kind of goes hand & hand with all the above)

People driving into & through things, or people themselves hitting or going through walls, etc...

He's a person too, man, and he will fuck you UP!

 More of that BANG that tickles me so much. My whole life I've been crashing into things for entertainment purposes, whether it be on sleds, Rollerblades, bikes, skateboards, jumping over fences, yes, even throwing myself down stairs to make people laugh as a wee wee one.

Sure I was a normal child. Out of all my 10,000 nicknames over the years, lil crash cup was a classic. I was going for more of a stunt girl thing, but whatever.

There's got to be some I'm missing, I'm sure. I called my mother with this subject earlier just cause I knew it would make her day & her comments were endless, even getting into hot air balloon accidents.

I think I covered I the basics. What does it to you?
Unless you've never laughed at an accident in your life. In which case you should probably stop reading & join a convent.

Cuz I heart explosions. <3

Do I HaveWhat It Takes? Or the Sauce? I Have A Meatball.

There is a particular category of blogs out there that I envy - Cartoon blogs.

And I think one of the things that intrigues me most about these blogs is that, even though I'm not too impressive freehand on actual paper, for some strange reason, since the dawn of my having a computer, I could always draw well with simple MS Paint & other paint programs.

So, while I'm not sure if I'll ever really come up with a good enough comic & characters for it someday, which would be my particular objective for my drawings (which would, without a doubt, probably be the most twisted on the net), in my spare time on the computer I've been once again testing my abilities.

Well, now my concern is that the men in white coats are going to find me & haul me away - I'm sure you can only imagine where this is going....... (I think I even surprised myself)

Any of you crazy darling enough to follow me on Twitter may have already seen most of these as I've been sharing them as I go along.


Allow me to share my random mind with the rest of ya'll.

It all began when I wanted to show someone a screen shot of how well my blog was coming along, but then decided I didn't want them reading/seeing any content, and wanted to make it more interesting of an experience for them, which got out of control quickly. Because that's how randomly f-ed up I am.

(Click to view images larger)

Cheese beaver wears a tu-tu simply because his deformed legs are that of a squirrel, like his arms. If he could talk, I'm sure he'd say "Kill me". I think the rest is self-explanatory. Not really.

Oddly enough, I think the adorkable web-footed toaster works for the mob.

This F'n cheeseburger gave me so much shit. That's when I started to get pretty down on myself, and scared for my life.

Van Gogh doesn't got shit on me. 

Cept' maybe a pretty lil white coat of my own with shiny lil buckles.

Comic strip - Not so sure if I'll get there.

But watch, guys, my art is gonna be HUGE someday. Featured in fine art museums all over the world.

Tis the Frickin' Season

The one where all the crazies who don't seem to be out all year crawl out of the f-ing woodwork & infiltrate the earth with (even more) weirdness for two months. The two months leading up to the new year for some reason.

They are upon us. The circus is in town. Cousin Eddie's coming home...

The realization kicked in today with a seemingly harmless trip to Suck-Mart for some new Christmas lights that I need to re-string my garlands with.

Once a certain time of year hits, my nostalgic geek ass always reaches for AccuRadio Holidays from my PC or iPhone.

So, today I kicked on a lil AccuJazz, some Vince Gueraldi comes on to start psyching me up with holiday cheer, until my friend signals me to make sure I check out the chick in the lane next to me if I have a chance to pull up.

I really thought this mofo was f-ing with me & I wasn't in the mood for jokes & empty promises of chicks with sideburns.

But lo & behold, this chick had some of the biggest sideburns I have ever seen. Full-on melon chops.


But seriously, props to you, girl. That's a bold fucking fashion statement right there. Hey, it's the time of year anything goes.

Except this next bit. This shit never flies.....

Now look, I don't like to have to beat up anyone. But the deranged douche bag who brought back the 80's, pray I don't find you in a dark alley.

These two hookers........and I'm pretty sure the same ones in the exact same clothing, staring me down as if I were spreading bad fashion since I don't look like I made my clothes at Plaster Fun Time, obviously don't own a bedazzler, nor am in any position to qualify for a Debbie Gibson video.

Maybe they were scouting me out for Devo or Robert Palmer, who knows. I would guess they were pissed I was making them look bad. Though, I could have pulled that off in fishing overalls. AWK-WARD.

This can never have a positive impact on society.

 (Hey, fucker who thought this idea was cool, do you realize this shit HAUNTS me?!)

Now the 80's is trying to step in & fuck with my motherflippin' X-mas, ya'll?!

I HATE the 80's. They ruin everything. I try to block em' out best as I can. Put it back in its box & blast that shit into outer space.

This freak show is quite literally the walking dead, and it is everywhere. These are the zombies you fear, people. Wake up, before it's too late.

I know the future is here & all, but even the Jetsons didn't look that farkin'' crazy. Or "We've simply run out of ideas & styles. Let's go backwards & put a new twist on the ugliest we can remember."

Those freaks weren't revolutionizing anything. They just did too much coke & lost ALL f-ing sense of normalcy. True story. I was there. Kind of. Not really. I told you I block it out.

Anywho, I had thought about maybe running the hookers over (though not really, but maybe just showing off a bit) with my sexy steed in the parking lot (B/c I'm awesome like that & trying to help you bring down the 80's. You can thank me later), but their Delorean was nowhere to be found.

It was after that, when I got stuck behind a 90 year old woman (Seemingly drunk & with Parkinson's, & a car full of dwarfs) & left em' to give chase to DJ Smacks & his penismobile, that I started to consider maybe doing every bit of shopping, big or small, online for the next few months.

Yep, oddly enough, every confusing lil bit of that last sentence is true.

They're out there. And they're giving you dirty looks, wanting to tease your bangs, & growing facial hair, & driving around in giant penises, fornicating with dwarfs. And don't say I didn't warn you.

We've All Heard of Em', Seen Em' in the Movies

The frail, tiny lil old ladies, so dainty for their age, heart of pure gold, smile that lights up a room like a beacon in such a way that you say to yourself "This must be an angel."

Until she opens up her adorable, satanically possessed lil mouth from the third ring of hell, that is.

We all know of em' thanks to such meat fuckers as Betty White, god bless her.

Betty White needs to take my 82 year old grandmother out bowling & for a filet-o-fish. What bosom buddies.

But let's get around to the sweet lil Charlotte.

(Is it odd that when I want some of the most amusing laughs & wild comedy, visiting my grandparents is just what the doctor ordered?)

Let's get down to the examples, shall we.

That Christmas dinner a few years ago, not the one where mom shit her pants in the basement & we had to evacuate the house, but the one where dear old nan thought it would be funny to announce she needed vibrators for the bedroom in addition to her remote car starter for the Caddie.

(Oh yes, they are all super charming, btw!)

She then proceeded to go over to the stove, bend over & tell my sister & I she had pains in her "pussy"

You know those moments where you literally choke a lil from the shock? An evening with my grandmother would choke the hell out of you. 

And as my grandfather (& that whole side) is also funny as HELL, this is about those lil old ladies we've all heard of or come across once in a blue moon, except for me, this outrageous lil old lady has been right by my side my whole life. This is the norm.

There once was this whole dinner scene with the 300+ lb. next door neighbor, facing towards us in a skin tight dress with no underwear on. Better yet, moving her leg all around, fighting a piece of bubble gum stuck to her shoe.

(Are you serious? Do you know this our dining room window & it's 5:00 p.m. Yes, that fucking happened.)

What does lil nan do in a situation like that while all of our eyes are burning out in horror?

She goes off about how she's lucky if "She could find one guy to fuck her"

No horizontal bop, or whatever the fuck people from the 1920's-1930's say, just raw dog fn grandma, flyin' off at the mouth again.

She was a lot of fun on Anesthesia this past summer.

She told her nurse that she bets her boyfriend is an asshole & to leave him while she can & told us all to "Get the fuck out" at the sight of us, thinking her admittance was a conspiracy & that somehow we had all given her colon cancer.

See, I have had yet to blog about this 100% Italian lunatic side of the family, but with the holidays coming up, I know that = goooood material.

Mom - How do I sum her up? Wildly fun, insanely immature, raised a spoiled only daughter the world can't seem to help but adore. And I think she's seriously under 5 feet, which makes her all the more destructive & adorable. Looks like my Uncle Mike with a wig.

You know, it just occurred to me that if I wrote about my father's side of the family, it would be like some kind of really twisted episode of Cops (How DID he make it out normal, but the only one?), which is definitely something to talk about for another time, but the Guido side.....Well, that's just how I've spent all my holidays all my life.

I am ready for this insanity at the end of the month, and a good trip to grandma's house!!

With Much Thanks

To Kelly over at Psycho Carnival (One of the absolute best humor blogs with such wildly funny & interesting content, and the best name ever to boot) For recognition of my bringing laughs to the table. HaHA!!

He has presented me with The Laugh Out Loud Award

That I must pass onto 5 other bloggers of my choice, and wishing he could be one of them.

Seriously, I'm gonna spread the cheese on here, with a side of sappy syrup, and state that laughter is the best & most powerful medicine on earth besides love, imo.

I know when I'm down & out nothing saves my soul like a good, genuine, hearty laugh, so to me, you fellow humor bloggers are life savers, heroes if you will.

Am I taking it too far?

Hell no!!

It's true....

And with that said, now to get around to the next 5 recipients I would like to present with The Laugh Out Loud Award.


Midwestern Mamah, author of Are You Serious?. Oh, does she crack me up with her laid back demeanor, quick wit & funny headers doused with seasonal spirit. Never a dull moment nor post.

Next up is Jillsmo, author of Yeah. Good times..
How can I put Jill's energy into words? She's too freaking awesome, and such a wonderful, dedicated mother who makes me fall over with laughter. She never holds back, and has the best self-portrait I've ever seen.

And next we have Lynn, author of All Fooked Up.
Lynn is simply a diamond in the rough. I knew it the moment I discovered her. She is funny as hell, with such great character & big ambition I have great faith she will succeed at someday. Spunky, witty & intelligent, she engages you with some of the best stories & conversation.

Falen (A.K.A Thundercat832), author of Colorful Rants of A Fed Up Sista.
Not only was Falen one of the very first people to seemingly enjoy my blog & follow my weird ass, she is seriously one of the coolest & funniest chicks to ever live. I feel a real connection to this chica I can't explain. She just understands it all, and brings some of the most interesting posts to the table, chock full o' Laugh Out Loudness.

And last, but definitely not least, Copyboy, author of Not Worth Mentioning.
Though I have not been following this blog long & have been a slacker on letting him know how damn funny his blog is with all the confusion of all the blogs to keep up with now, this is one guy WORTH MENTIONING & receiving this award for his super funny material.

Just go check it out for yourself, all of em'. I am honored to receive this & pass it onto these wonderful, funny ass bloggers. There are so many more, but I had to pick a Fab 5 I felt really deserved this award as of lately.

I'm not too sure of the rules of passing these things on; if it's required that you pass them on in a post, whether it's acceptable to just take your award & leave the building like Elvis {Though we all know I'm not one for rules. Heh Heh. ;~}, but you are supposed to pass this onto 5 bloggers you think are worthy. I certainly couldn't pass up that opportunity.

And I couldn't be more honored than to receive it from the person I did. Thanks again, Kelly. You rock my bloggin' world!

Awesome, It's Here.

 Now we can get on with Thanksgiving & Christmas for I.

I am a X-mas DORK of ALL dorks!! I disappear for two weeks just to decorate my house, another two to wrap gifts, look at lights, drink hot cocoa in the snow & every geeky X-mas thing in the book.

If I could walk around in funny elf shoes with jingle bells & a sexy Mrs. Claus costume, and f-ing ornaments in my hair, that would probably be the case.

(What nostalgia makes of us)

I'm not really too into creepy, scary scarecrow children of the corn shit.

Though, I am a crafty geek who enjoys the moods & projects that come with every holiday & season.

And Thanksgiving......

Well, annihilation by Turkey beats inebriation by Meat any day.

Though, it's also just an opportunity for the cybernetic ghost to come back dressed as a turkey, get shitfaced, eat taco pie, and continue his usual holiday rantings of history, terror & doom.

And I may need him this year.

Ya see, I have a list of people who fucked up my turkey day experience one way or another by making it nearly impossible for me to have my turkey dinner, a few years in a row. I got my eye on these people, and if they make any oddball requests of me this year or upset me, getting between me & the turkey, I will lock them in the car with Barry Manilow with the volume knob & doors super glued while I show up at the dining room table like a fn turkey paramedic to be the first one on the scene.

"He's not breathing, oh the humanity! LET'S EAT HIM!!"

Did I mention I love turkey dinner?

The song of the day.

 Rock out with your cock out & jam out with your clam out.

Everybody's Doing It (My Tale of Terror)

What the hell is scarier than a bunch of insane dead people harassing you from the afterlife, haunted insane asylums, and the horrifying thoughts of what people were put through locked up in these places, some of whom were really f-ed up in the first place, you know, really. Smart.

House on Haunted Hill, no thank you. Clean shorts are my thing. Who the fuck let me watch that?

Onward...

Known as Americas most feared & haunted asylum - The castle on the hill, the palace on the hill, the haunted castle.

(And about a 15-20 minute drive from me. Holy scary shitballs! because I'm such a proper lady. You can see this damn thing up on it's damn haunted hill from one of our malls. Uneasiness on a dreary day, I've experienced that.)

I remember going up the highway one night with a few friends in my car, wanting to get a closer look, as much as we could without leaving the car, and turning around on the highway from the feelings we got just being in the area, that we were seconds away from having those spires off in the distance within our view. We all nearly needed Pampers.

It was 1878 & the State Lunatic Hospital at Danvers, in an isolated rural area of Massachusetts, was erected under the means of housing more of the mentally ill than any facility in Massachusetts, possibly in the entire north east, maybe even in the U.S at that time, and to be the first in such a secluded & serene setting, believing this would greatly aid in the treatment of mental illness.

Said to be the birthplace of the pre-frontal lobotomy, the main building (shown here) was referred to as the Kirkbride building, containing towers on each side connecting it to each of its wings, in which the outermost were reserved for the most extreme patients.

Massiveness, you look so much tinier from this height & view.

"The buildings were connected by a confusing labyrinth of underground tunnels as many of the institutions for the developmentally delayed & mentally ill at the time were designed with tunnel systems to be self sufficient in the winter."

Because putting crazy & unstable people in a tunnel is always a great idea.

 (I won't post anymore interior photos simply because I cannot handle them, but if you do feel like shitting your pants, have a ball at http://www.danversstateinsaneasylum.com/home.html but know they leave out the disturbing details & facts here. Perhaps it's run by an evil villain who wants us all to get fucking haunted.)

"The original plan was designed to house 500 patients, with 100 more possible to accommodate in the attic. However, by the late 1930s and 1940s, over 2,000 patients were being housed, and overcrowding was severe. People were even held in the basements of the Kirkbride."

Reports were made that various, and inhumane shock therapies, lobotomies, hydrotherapy, drugs, and straight jackets were being used to keep the crowded hospital under control.

The few & far between houses of the other local residents were unnerved by the sounds of tortured & screaming patients.

If you were the product of either medical experiments gone awry, or simply outstayed your time on this earth while residing at the asylum, you ended up here...

As

A number in the system failed.

"In 1992, when the hospital closed, the National Guard helped by sending 80 ambulances to move the last of the patients to other facilities. Since then, the hospital has been a draw for other people, including dozens who have been arrested for trespassing on the abandoned hill."

In pop culture 

From Wikipedia

• The hospital was the setting for the 2001 horror film Session 9, where an asbestos clean-up crew comes to the hospital, and they find a series of nine tapes, which have recorded a patient with multiple personalities, all of them innocent, except for one.
• The asylum was also featured in the 1958 film Home Before Dark.
• In the game Painkiller, one of the levels, called Asylum, is based on the central administration section. While the outside is a faithful reproduction, the inside is not.
• The abandoned asylum was explored on the paranormal investigation–urban exploration series SCARED! in 2004 and again shortly before its demolition in 2006.
• The Danvers State Hospital is largely believed to have served as inspiration for the infamous Arkham sanatorium from H.P. Lovecraft's "The Thing on the Doorstep".

It had stood alone & decaying, boarded up, still peering over the city of Danvers, until a mysterious fire occurred in 2007.

I am liking this fire. Burn that haunted, creepy bitch to the ground!! *Popcorn & elf dancing*

I had heard about the following demolition & I was pretty excited for that place to be gone & done, laid to permanent rest with its history, esp. with all the terrifying stories of the local homes nearby.

Like the echoes they left behind was etched into a rock at the entrance of the cemetery for some Boos & shits & giggles.

So, with the crazier of those historical preservation zealots, they did next with the remains what any logical, haunted, BS historical city would do....

Luxury apartment seekers, welcome home! You wanna jump all over this shit while it's hot... 

You know, before the paranormal shit hits the fan.

LUXURY living (Like bringing The Shining back to life)

And look at the gorgeous, settling view from the pool.

I'd be running right over to Maggie's for that BBQ. Armed to the teeth, holy water & onions in hand. (Don't know why I said onions. Vampires hate garlic, so I figured maybe ghosts hate onions. I wonder what zombies hate. Gotta know these things & be prepared).

But you know what..... It all kind of comes together in the end.

These people are fucking insane, and they're living in an insane asylum. Possibly America's most haunted.

So it fits. It works for them doesn't it.

It's not so disturbing anymore knowing sections still stand, because they're totally gonna haunt these fuckers before they ever bother with me or you, am I wrong?

So, I know you're supposed to be shaking in your boots right now, with chills up your spine, maybe scared to walk to the bathroom, and my comical side kind of flew in & maybe f-ed that up for you.

But it turned comical for me that the people who reside there today are still completely effing insane.

So, this is my early Happy Halloween post to you. Don't eat too much candy, throw up too much liquor or molest too many bimbos walking around in slutty costumes waiting to be molested by lil dudes who are out to wreak havoc & molest bimbos in slutty costumes.

(I love slutty costumes. I'm just bitter from being attacked in one by an entire group of boys, being young & dumb, walking the streets like that on Halloween. Learned that lesson. Uh, who let me out like that & at that age as a French Maid with a trick or treat bag?)

More tales of crazy people.

Keep the kiddos safe, and away from insane asylums, and possibly creepy apartment complexes. No haunted & possessed chocolate in my house thank you.

I'll be......on mushrooms dancing with yarn in the woods in the moonlight?
My nickname is Tinkerbell. So, this was my attempt at finding a Halloween image with her in it. Nothing to do with the post at all, I know. 

How About A Mad-Lib Monday (On A Tuesday)...

Because whatever, and I came up with the idea too late in the day, and the sun isn't up yet, and I'm just a rule breaker.

(Or did I come up with this idea? You never know who's already thought up of something.)

So, I got home, did some for fun & these were the classic winners.


So, I started out emphasizing the words I chose & then I just came to the conclusion I'm too demented & that it looks way funnier if I actually don't emphasize, but rather if it's just read naturally.....

Personal Ad:

"I enjoy long, hairless walks on the beach, getting porked in the rain and serendipitous encounters with lizards. I really like piña coladas mixed with pee, and romantic, candle-lit sharks with laser beams. I am well-read from Dr. Seuss to Wayne Newton. I travel frequently, especially to burker king, when I am not busy with work. (I am a shoe shiner.) I am looking for cheese and beauty in the form of a Hungarian goddess. She should have the physique of Joan Rivers and the hot dog of Princess Peach. I would prefer if she knew how to cook, clean, and wash my shoes. I know I’m not very attractive in my picture, but it was taken 69 days ago, and I have since become more incoherent"

War:

"It was during the battle of sasquatch when I was running through a corn field when a dildo went off right next to my platoon. Our hooker yelled for us to ass-pound to the nearest trailer we could find. When we got to the trailer we farted to start a fire. As we were starting the fire the enemy saw the rhino from the fire and started honking sweater puppets at us. we all quickly ducked behind the chicken at the trailer and returned fire. we quickly eliminated the enemy and were FUBAR'd that we had won the battle."

Romeo & Juliet

"Two testicles, both alike in dignity,
In fair Hoboken, where we lay our scene,
From ancient shart break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross`d fish tacos take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their water balloon bury their parents` strife.
The fearful passage of their retarded love,
And the continuance of their parents` rage,
Which, but their children`s end, nought could smack,
Is now the 420 hours` traffic of our stage;
The which if you with smoked scrotum attend,
What here shall molest, our toil shall strive to mend."

                                                                                                       

 Okay, I have the humor of a strange child at times, but I get a damn kick out of these things, and yep, it had me laughing just like a child.

What Is Up the Ass of America? (Not What You Think)

Just ask E.R nurses; how I found out what's up the ass of Americans, and the anal um "issues" that some people seem to have. You come to the conclusion somethings up, and not only up their asses, but maybe not quite right upstairs - America has ANAL.ISSUES.

There are so many stories & cases, any of these freaks could be amongst our everyday lives, and I definitely say "to each his own", but some preferences are kind of unfathomable & uh, safety first?

Maybe that's why it wasn't a good idea for that guy who was in the E.R once a month with a foreign object lodged in his rectum to go ahead & add a handful of mercury thermometers to his anal arsenal, his "happy storage space" once the nurses backs were turned, because when the thermometers broke, it was the last bit of excitement he ever experienced.

Strangely enough, many hospitals have what they refer to as "frequent flyer's" who continuously show up in the E.R with different objects where the sun don't shine.

Thanks to some of the threads at AllNurses.Com, we have a good list of insanity to go down.

These are true claims from real E.R nurses.

• Budweiser bottle

• Endless varieties of shampoo bottles

• A jar of Grey Poupon (How in the hell?!) That one ended up with a colostomy.

• A Flashlight. And when the doctor inserted the speculum to take a look, his face lit up from the light inside.

•  A cell phone turned on vibrate

• A hairbrush, bristles first.

• A rumor of a guy with a coffee jar full of drawing pins & tacks.

• Eating utensils (Not too sure of the details on that one, don't wanna be)

• Small, furry animals (Not an urban legend, confirmed)

• The end of a curtain rod

• A broom stick handle

• A candlestick

• Fruits of all shapes & sizes

• Bouncy balls

• Curling iron

• Hair dryer

• Crack pipes

• A butter knife from a frat party gone bad

• Polish sausage (We have a....not. winner. Wtf!)

• "I tripped & fell on a" - lamp post, wine bottle, shampoo, and a roll of paper towels.

• Endless vibrators still running when the patient comes in. They went just a lil too far, if you know what I mean.

• A small pistol (Good times if that shits loaded & goes off - YAHOO!)

• Potatoes, sprouted potatoes (Not a myth, confirmed) - "Every time I read one of these I wonder if the pt ever stopped to think that in order to have the potato lodged in his rectum from falling on it in the garden, he would most likely be naked. If he was wearing clothes, the pants would have prevented the potato from lodging in his rectum.

          Unless he was wearing a dress..."

 - "I can just see that 40 y/o biker type guy gardening commando in a sundress..."

• One of those water floaty noodles, the entire thing, all 4 ft. compacted into his rectum & descending colon. (I had no idea of the possibilities, really)

• Remote control

• Mayonnaise jar (Takes the taco from the mustard jar)

• Man with a rectal cucumber

• An orange 

• "An Eggplant in the Rectum!!  He went to surgery for removal!! I've never looked at an eggplant the same!!"  

• A bottle of Brut cologne

Oddly enough, this list is just virtually endless. It would literally never end....

And some of these medical professionals it simply does not phase, and they get the entertainment of their life out of it, so there is a tidbit of an upside to this in a fn' strange, strange world.

"Anal" Americans, I salute you. Just definitely not with a flag up my ass.

The next time I'm sitting on a park bench or something along those lines, in some heavily populated area, I'll try to be more conscious of my surroundings, and wonder what could be lurking up the asses of the people around me.

The Struggle With Life Choices

 On another more serious note...

This post would get way too long, blah & tiring if I went into great detail & branched off in every different direction for my reasoning, but there are choices I struggle with badly at times....

My natural-born inclination to be a part of the medical field for example here...

 

I have talked, walked & permeated the part since being a 5 year old in a lab coat playing with anatomy & pharmacology books, needing to learn everything there is to know. My friends & family call me "doctor" & come to me for all medical advice. I get frustrated & tell them to actually go see a real doctor after so much questioning.

But it is interesting for me to think about......

I'm into too many different things & this is another issue.

I'm a Biology nerd & I'd be happy as something along the lines of an environmental engineer or horticulturalist as well. 

Something from home is ultimately the most ideal for this lifestyle.

The medical issues I struggle with myself do not make it easier.

On another note, if you plan to become one of the people who would like to conclude that I am eligible to give proper medical advice, feel free to call: 1-800-555-GetYourselfALawyerDoctor.

The number won't work & there's nobody there to answer, but that's what you get for being within the mind frame that someone in a back alley with a hacksaw is suited to perform surgery on you.

Being a Hypocrite on Random Shit Tuesday

But maybe we can turn something kind of blah, but that can be cool, into something a lil more interesting. 

Courtesy of McGriddle Pants

I gave in. I snagged a pumpkin off our porch & went the carving knives.

Not only that, I went & got some cookie cutters for "spooky cookies"

When insanity calls the shots, and Fall creeps up behind you & strangles you, forcing you to celebrate it, maybe out of the f-ing boredom of the seasons of doom & gloom.

And if I really wanted to be effective in creeping people out with cookies, they'd be better off decorated like so...

Not much creeps me out like Liza fucking Minnelli.

As far as the whole pumpkin thing goes, I need a lot of em', so I can really do pumpkins my way...

Sometimes you learn some interesting new things in a Google search.

Also, I think it's time for the urban dictionary to get with the program & add my term "Cuntpumpkin". I'm very proud of it.

And I take it these poor bastards didn't know what to carve.

Though, 10 points for being determined to make it interesting...

This is just fn' wrong. He's causing a scene out there on the front lawn.

Watermelon Woman's gonna call the cops on your coke-raging pumpkin ass.

I think I just completely fucked up random shit Tuesday by not being so random, considering I had mentioned the pumpkin thing in my last post. But the 360 I've taken on it is random enough for me.

My ass is planted here at least for the rest of this month. Might as well give in.