Grandpa's Goin' Away for A While

The title has nothing to do with the post. Sorry if I was misleading.

Grandpa's fine. It's a line my father used on Thanksgiving after his father started coughing at the table, and it's been stuck in my head. Maybe it was all the uncontrollable howling after he wheeled him away. Poor grandpa. I say it all the time, old doesn't mean senile. The man has ears.

Though I guess when you go from a Nuclear Physicist to Depenz, it's pretty much all over.

Why do I love explosions again? In the blood? (I am the great, great niece of Ireland's most revolutionary leader as well, and a cousin of Tony Bennett, but whatever) Hmm. You learn something new everyday.

(*Cough. Add Louie DeLuigi to the list. Yes the sausage guy. I guess he was hit by a tractor trailer. Lawd, that's funny & I'm going to hell)

Anywho, this post is really about my delirious absence. I've spoken of this absence before. And here we are, not even December 1st & what I've already gotten myself into.....

This thing lights up at nigh, and it has windows made out of lollipops & butterscotch. It's outta control.

 

It hasn't even freakin' begun is the scariest part!!

I am a very crafty person, and I become very engulfed by my projects.

For at least one month in the winter with me, it's Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, like a goddamn crusade.

And then for at least one month in the spring, it's gardening, gardening, gardening, when I'm getting all my seeds in.

But every year, my dad would make me wait in total impatience for the day after Thanksgiving, and even as a wee one, I would throw on my Santa hat & start lugging all the shit up from the basement.

Now that I can do it my way, I've got my indoor garland lights up & one gingerbread house down already, and getting my tree(s) during the week. Sorry, dad. That rule was torture.

Christmas is a psychedelic, joyous fucking wonderland, and that simply doesn't last enough.

I don't even give a shit about presents. You got fn lights & chipmunks singing happy songs, falling from lollipop trees on strings & bright fn colors everywhere, people all happy with warm hearts & cookies & cake rolls & shit? We're. Good!!

So, in case I'm not posting for many days at a time, it's not because worms have eaten through my brain.

I'm just busy, high on Christmas crack. Still tweeting nearly everyday, though. Who has the strength to fight that addiction? I mean, c'mon.

Now I can't make any promises that you won't see much of me posting. I know, sucks for you.

Because if/when the urge & inspiration knocks me out of my X-mas coma, I'm headed straight here.

I'm sure as my seasonal run-ins with humor & disaster pick up, so will my posting, but right now the elves have me in lock down, vomiting cheer all over the walls.

I have to make trains & shit. Not because I'm being held at gunpoint, but because.........well, yes, the little people in pointy shoes living in my head are indeed holding me at gunpoint. "Make the train, bitch, or the reindeer gets it."

Can you see the disaster in store? The fate of X-mas lies on my nut sack.

I'm sorry, but that was so much so much better than shoulders. And now you've all seen mine, so I can never surprise you with it. F'n great

You're Twisted Too. What's Your Damage?

Because if you didn't find any amusement in some kind of twisted humor, you probably wouldn't be following this blog. Well, today we're talking about a particular category of twisted humor - Accidental Humor.

Now, this has the potential to create some conflicting feedback due to the nature of some the accidental shit I'm about to elaborate on here, and you may find yourself saying "But pixi, there's nothing funny about wheelchair accidents."

Well, put aside all that sucks about it (and yes it does, and we know it does) & focus on funny (because there's funny in everything, there has to be), and yes there is something funny about it, just ask my mom (or your mom). That's mines favorite kind of humor.

In fact, I had to go through hell to find her an episode of "A Thousand Ways to Die" because I made the mistake of telling her somebody in a wheelchair rolled down a ramp smoking a cigarette with an oxygen tank & blew up. I think it made her year. But it worked out for both of us. She loves wheelchair accidents, I love explosions. True mother-daughter bonding time!


But don't tell me if you were sitting in front of your TV, with peripheral view of your picture window, and somebody fell out of a tree in your front yard & thumped on your lawn like a sack of potatoes, you wouldn't piss your pants. I know, or call the police.


But I'd like to argue that we all have some kind of Three Stooges type shit that just tickles our funny bone to tears. Those guys weren't so damn funny for their time for no good reason.

For some it may be explosions or stunts gone wrong. For others it may be people falling down stairs, or people being hit by cars (and obviously surviving unscathed, or you'd just be a sinister sicko, and there is a fine line)


As I've already given away my secret, we'll start with the first one.....

EXPLOSIONS! - How many times I rewound the video of the day some friends & I got together with some Warhead Launchers & Melons was disturbing, laughing till I cried every time. I don't know if I'll ever know what it is.

 

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EVERYTHING about explosions is funny. Cept' when they kill thousands of people, but remember this post is about flowers & funny. And a lil bit about explosive diarrhea as well.

Admittedly, as a youngster I never laughed at the clown, though I laughed at the pie in the face simply because it made a BAM sound & basically exploded in the scary fucking clown's face.

But if you wanted to see a child such as me amused (or laughing like a crazy hyena) for hours, you would have given me a toy like this.

 True story.

 And that's how kids grow up to be terrorists, folks.

Aaand now I just totally gave myself away.

(Can you say that on the Internet? Should I lock my doors?)

Anywho, next up.....

FALLING! - You people are fuckin' sick. But hey, like I said, I'm not gonna judge. Something about it strikes you as inexplicably funny as explosions do for me. Okay, and A LOT of times it's funnier than fuckin' HELL. Or funny as all hell. I don't wtf's ever been funny about hell.

It's just that being that I'm 28 yet on some days feel like a f-ing 80 year old with osteoarthritis (& a medical buff, always have to be the one to take care of every dumb ass mofo), I'm just afraid of falling, and particularly that my life will end on a staircase. No, I'm not clumsy in bed. Just frail, okay.

Look at him GO!

(Now, sadly, as traumatic & gruesome it would be & the years of therapy it would take to heal, if his head were like that of a watermelon & exploded all over the stairs, I'd maybe pee my pants a lil. Strictly from explosive impact, which is highly unlikely)

Now tell me you've seen a grown man purposely sled down the stairs, but unintentionally get up to speeds of 90mph as you swore smoke bellowed from his asshole, because I know that was the closest I ever truly came to peeing my pants in my adult years.

I talk a lot about peeing my pants, huh. Great expression. Is it awkward for you?

Now you should know that it wasn't exactly the stunt itself that triggered the response (nor the magic mushrooms that night), but the fact that his head smacked. every. step on the way down. Oh LORDY!!

Keep it together my ass.

Or it's like watching your girlfriend fly sideways through the air like a human Frisbee with wings, off of a skateboard, and classic belly flop out onto the middle of the street as her board flies through the air in the opposite direction, heading for the window of a nearby truck.

And you know she's probably really hurt, but you're still falling apart on the sidewalk, unable to even catch your breath or move because WTF was THAT?!

We're all going to hell, but it sounds like a fun place, doesn't it.

Onward....

MOBILE ACCIDENTS - And not necessarily limited to automobiles, but mobility of many kinds; Go-Karts, flying saucers, roller skates.

This shit is pure gold, and we all fucking know it. 

Now I recall getting run over by a sled & being in an eye patch like a sad pirate for three weeks, but according to Google this is more common on a sled/saucer/what have you...

Turkey's Done!

OH! You're fucked.

What is it that we all love so much about that helpless forward stumbling motion of a dip shit falling on roller skates.

Though, oddly enough, I had one hell of a time finding pics of dip shits falling forward on roller skates, so I had to go with drunken roller slut seeing it was much more pleasant than the monsters of the roller derby. (I think I just came up with a good 2012 calendar)

Or why is it always the smaller the vehicle, the funnier the crash.

BOUNCE, you rolling lil sausage! Watch your vertebrae. It's all fun & games till someone gets a metal plate & a Percocet addiction.

 

And for another old favorite....

THE WALL/OBJECT CRASH - IMPACT (Which kind of goes hand & hand with all the above)

People driving into & through things, or people themselves hitting or going through walls, etc...

He's a person too, man, and he will fuck you UP!

 More of that BANG that tickles me so much. My whole life I've been crashing into things for entertainment purposes, whether it be on sleds, Rollerblades, bikes, skateboards, jumping over fences, yes, even throwing myself down stairs to make people laugh as a wee wee one.

Sure I was a normal child. Out of all my 10,000 nicknames over the years, lil crash cup was a classic. I was going for more of a stunt girl thing, but whatever.

There's got to be some I'm missing, I'm sure. I called my mother with this subject earlier just cause I knew it would make her day & her comments were endless, even getting into hot air balloon accidents.

I think I covered I the basics. What does it to you?
Unless you've never laughed at an accident in your life. In which case you should probably stop reading & join a convent.

Cuz I heart explosions. <3

Do I HaveWhat It Takes? Or the Sauce? I Have A Meatball.

There is a particular category of blogs out there that I envy - Cartoon blogs.

And I think one of the things that intrigues me most about these blogs is that, even though I'm not too impressive freehand on actual paper, for some strange reason, since the dawn of my having a computer, I could always draw well with simple MS Paint & other paint programs.

So, while I'm not sure if I'll ever really come up with a good enough comic & characters for it someday, which would be my particular objective for my drawings (which would, without a doubt, probably be the most twisted on the net), in my spare time on the computer I've been once again testing my abilities.

Well, now my concern is that the men in white coats are going to find me & haul me away - I'm sure you can only imagine where this is going....... (I think I even surprised myself)

Any of you crazy darling enough to follow me on Twitter may have already seen most of these as I've been sharing them as I go along.


Allow me to share my random mind with the rest of ya'll.

It all began when I wanted to show someone a screen shot of how well my blog was coming along, but then decided I didn't want them reading/seeing any content, and wanted to make it more interesting of an experience for them, which got out of control quickly. Because that's how randomly f-ed up I am.

(Click to view images larger)

Cheese beaver wears a tu-tu simply because his deformed legs are that of a squirrel, like his arms. If he could talk, I'm sure he'd say "Kill me". I think the rest is self-explanatory. Not really.

Oddly enough, I think the adorkable web-footed toaster works for the mob.

This F'n cheeseburger gave me so much shit. That's when I started to get pretty down on myself, and scared for my life.

Van Gogh doesn't got shit on me. 

Cept' maybe a pretty lil white coat of my own with shiny lil buckles.

Comic strip - Not so sure if I'll get there.

But watch, guys, my art is gonna be HUGE someday. Featured in fine art museums all over the world.

Tis the Frickin' Season

The one where all the crazies who don't seem to be out all year crawl out of the f-ing woodwork & infiltrate the earth with (even more) weirdness for two months. The two months leading up to the new year for some reason.

They are upon us. The circus is in town. Cousin Eddie's coming home...

The realization kicked in today with a seemingly harmless trip to Suck-Mart for some new Christmas lights that I need to re-string my garlands with.

Once a certain time of year hits, my nostalgic geek ass always reaches for AccuRadio Holidays from my PC or iPhone.

So, today I kicked on a lil AccuJazz, some Vince Gueraldi comes on to start psyching me up with holiday cheer, until my friend signals me to make sure I check out the chick in the lane next to me if I have a chance to pull up.

I really thought this mofo was f-ing with me & I wasn't in the mood for jokes & empty promises of chicks with sideburns.

But lo & behold, this chick had some of the biggest sideburns I have ever seen. Full-on melon chops.


But seriously, props to you, girl. That's a bold fucking fashion statement right there. Hey, it's the time of year anything goes.

Except this next bit. This shit never flies.....

Now look, I don't like to have to beat up anyone. But the deranged douche bag who brought back the 80's, pray I don't find you in a dark alley.

These two hookers........and I'm pretty sure the same ones in the exact same clothing, staring me down as if I were spreading bad fashion since I don't look like I made my clothes at Plaster Fun Time, obviously don't own a bedazzler, nor am in any position to qualify for a Debbie Gibson video.

Maybe they were scouting me out for Devo or Robert Palmer, who knows. I would guess they were pissed I was making them look bad. Though, I could have pulled that off in fishing overalls. AWK-WARD.

This can never have a positive impact on society.

 (Hey, fucker who thought this idea was cool, do you realize this shit HAUNTS me?!)

Now the 80's is trying to step in & fuck with my motherflippin' X-mas, ya'll?!

I HATE the 80's. They ruin everything. I try to block em' out best as I can. Put it back in its box & blast that shit into outer space.

This freak show is quite literally the walking dead, and it is everywhere. These are the zombies you fear, people. Wake up, before it's too late.

I know the future is here & all, but even the Jetsons didn't look that farkin'' crazy. Or "We've simply run out of ideas & styles. Let's go backwards & put a new twist on the ugliest we can remember."

Those freaks weren't revolutionizing anything. They just did too much coke & lost ALL f-ing sense of normalcy. True story. I was there. Kind of. Not really. I told you I block it out.

Anywho, I had thought about maybe running the hookers over (though not really, but maybe just showing off a bit) with my sexy steed in the parking lot (B/c I'm awesome like that & trying to help you bring down the 80's. You can thank me later), but their Delorean was nowhere to be found.

It was after that, when I got stuck behind a 90 year old woman (Seemingly drunk & with Parkinson's, & a car full of dwarfs) & left em' to give chase to DJ Smacks & his penismobile, that I started to consider maybe doing every bit of shopping, big or small, online for the next few months.

Yep, oddly enough, every confusing lil bit of that last sentence is true.

They're out there. And they're giving you dirty looks, wanting to tease your bangs, & growing facial hair, & driving around in giant penises, fornicating with dwarfs. And don't say I didn't warn you.

We've All Heard of Em', Seen Em' in the Movies

The frail, tiny lil old ladies, so dainty for their age, heart of pure gold, smile that lights up a room like a beacon in such a way that you say to yourself "This must be an angel."

Until she opens up her adorable, satanically possessed lil mouth from the third ring of hell, that is.

We all know of em' thanks to such meat fuckers as Betty White, god bless her.

Betty White needs to take my 82 year old grandmother out bowling & for a filet-o-fish. What bosom buddies.

But let's get around to the sweet lil Charlotte.

(Is it odd that when I want some of the most amusing laughs & wild comedy, visiting my grandparents is just what the doctor ordered?)

Let's get down to the examples, shall we.

That Christmas dinner a few years ago, not the one where mom shit her pants in the basement & we had to evacuate the house, but the one where dear old nan thought it would be funny to announce she needed vibrators for the bedroom in addition to her remote car starter for the Caddie.

(Oh yes, they are all super charming, btw!)

She then proceeded to go over to the stove, bend over & tell my sister & I she had pains in her "pussy"

You know those moments where you literally choke a lil from the shock? An evening with my grandmother would choke the hell out of you. 

And as my grandfather (& that whole side) is also funny as HELL, this is about those lil old ladies we've all heard of or come across once in a blue moon, except for me, this outrageous lil old lady has been right by my side my whole life. This is the norm.

There once was this whole dinner scene with the 300+ lb. next door neighbor, facing towards us in a skin tight dress with no underwear on. Better yet, moving her leg all around, fighting a piece of bubble gum stuck to her shoe.

(Are you serious? Do you know this our dining room window & it's 5:00 p.m. Yes, that fucking happened.)

What does lil nan do in a situation like that while all of our eyes are burning out in horror?

She goes off about how she's lucky if "She could find one guy to fuck her"

No horizontal bop, or whatever the fuck people from the 1920's-1930's say, just raw dog fn grandma, flyin' off at the mouth again.

She was a lot of fun on Anesthesia this past summer.

She told her nurse that she bets her boyfriend is an asshole & to leave him while she can & told us all to "Get the fuck out" at the sight of us, thinking her admittance was a conspiracy & that somehow we had all given her colon cancer.

See, I have had yet to blog about this 100% Italian lunatic side of the family, but with the holidays coming up, I know that = goooood material.

Mom - How do I sum her up? Wildly fun, insanely immature, raised a spoiled only daughter the world can't seem to help but adore. And I think she's seriously under 5 feet, which makes her all the more destructive & adorable. Looks like my Uncle Mike with a wig.

You know, it just occurred to me that if I wrote about my father's side of the family, it would be like some kind of really twisted episode of Cops (How DID he make it out normal, but the only one?), which is definitely something to talk about for another time, but the Guido side.....Well, that's just how I've spent all my holidays all my life.

I am ready for this insanity at the end of the month, and a good trip to grandma's house!!

With Much Thanks

To Kelly over at Psycho Carnival (One of the absolute best humor blogs with such wildly funny & interesting content, and the best name ever to boot) For recognition of my bringing laughs to the table. HaHA!!

He has presented me with The Laugh Out Loud Award

That I must pass onto 5 other bloggers of my choice, and wishing he could be one of them.

Seriously, I'm gonna spread the cheese on here, with a side of sappy syrup, and state that laughter is the best & most powerful medicine on earth besides love, imo.

I know when I'm down & out nothing saves my soul like a good, genuine, hearty laugh, so to me, you fellow humor bloggers are life savers, heroes if you will.

Am I taking it too far?

Hell no!!

It's true....

And with that said, now to get around to the next 5 recipients I would like to present with The Laugh Out Loud Award.


Midwestern Mamah, author of Are You Serious?. Oh, does she crack me up with her laid back demeanor, quick wit & funny headers doused with seasonal spirit. Never a dull moment nor post.

Next up is Jillsmo, author of Yeah. Good times..
How can I put Jill's energy into words? She's too freaking awesome, and such a wonderful, dedicated mother who makes me fall over with laughter. She never holds back, and has the best self-portrait I've ever seen.

And next we have Lynn, author of All Fooked Up.
Lynn is simply a diamond in the rough. I knew it the moment I discovered her. She is funny as hell, with such great character & big ambition I have great faith she will succeed at someday. Spunky, witty & intelligent, she engages you with some of the best stories & conversation.

Falen (A.K.A Thundercat832), author of Colorful Rants of A Fed Up Sista.
Not only was Falen one of the very first people to seemingly enjoy my blog & follow my weird ass, she is seriously one of the coolest & funniest chicks to ever live. I feel a real connection to this chica I can't explain. She just understands it all, and brings some of the most interesting posts to the table, chock full o' Laugh Out Loudness.

And last, but definitely not least, Copyboy, author of Not Worth Mentioning.
Though I have not been following this blog long & have been a slacker on letting him know how damn funny his blog is with all the confusion of all the blogs to keep up with now, this is one guy WORTH MENTIONING & receiving this award for his super funny material.

Just go check it out for yourself, all of em'. I am honored to receive this & pass it onto these wonderful, funny ass bloggers. There are so many more, but I had to pick a Fab 5 I felt really deserved this award as of lately.

I'm not too sure of the rules of passing these things on; if it's required that you pass them on in a post, whether it's acceptable to just take your award & leave the building like Elvis {Though we all know I'm not one for rules. Heh Heh. ;~}, but you are supposed to pass this onto 5 bloggers you think are worthy. I certainly couldn't pass up that opportunity.

And I couldn't be more honored than to receive it from the person I did. Thanks again, Kelly. You rock my bloggin' world!