We've All Heard of Em', Seen Em' in the Movies

The frail, tiny lil old ladies, so dainty for their age, heart of pure gold, smile that lights up a room like a beacon in such a way that you say to yourself "This must be an angel."

Until she opens up her adorable, satanically possessed lil mouth from the third ring of hell, that is.

We all know of em' thanks to such meat fuckers as Betty White, god bless her.

Betty White needs to take my 82 year old grandmother out bowling & for a filet-o-fish. What bosom buddies.

But let's get around to the sweet lil Charlotte.

(Is it odd that when I want some of the most amusing laughs & wild comedy, visiting my grandparents is just what the doctor ordered?)

Let's get down to the examples, shall we.

That Christmas dinner a few years ago, not the one where mom shit her pants in the basement & we had to evacuate the house, but the one where dear old nan thought it would be funny to announce she needed vibrators for the bedroom in addition to her remote car starter for the Caddie.

(Oh yes, they are all super charming, btw!)

She then proceeded to go over to the stove, bend over & tell my sister & I she had pains in her "pussy"

You know those moments where you literally choke a lil from the shock? An evening with my grandmother would choke the hell out of you. 

And as my grandfather (& that whole side) is also funny as HELL, this is about those lil old ladies we've all heard of or come across once in a blue moon, except for me, this outrageous lil old lady has been right by my side my whole life. This is the norm.

There once was this whole dinner scene with the 300+ lb. next door neighbor, facing towards us in a skin tight dress with no underwear on. Better yet, moving her leg all around, fighting a piece of bubble gum stuck to her shoe.

(Are you serious? Do you know this our dining room window & it's 5:00 p.m. Yes, that fucking happened.)

What does lil nan do in a situation like that while all of our eyes are burning out in horror?

She goes off about how she's lucky if "She could find one guy to fuck her"

No horizontal bop, or whatever the fuck people from the 1920's-1930's say, just raw dog fn grandma, flyin' off at the mouth again.

She was a lot of fun on Anesthesia this past summer.

She told her nurse that she bets her boyfriend is an asshole & to leave him while she can & told us all to "Get the fuck out" at the sight of us, thinking her admittance was a conspiracy & that somehow we had all given her colon cancer.

See, I have had yet to blog about this 100% Italian lunatic side of the family, but with the holidays coming up, I know that = goooood material.

Mom - How do I sum her up? Wildly fun, insanely immature, raised a spoiled only daughter the world can't seem to help but adore. And I think she's seriously under 5 feet, which makes her all the more destructive & adorable. Looks like my Uncle Mike with a wig.

You know, it just occurred to me that if I wrote about my father's side of the family, it would be like some kind of really twisted episode of Cops (How DID he make it out normal, but the only one?), which is definitely something to talk about for another time, but the Guido side.....Well, that's just how I've spent all my holidays all my life.

I am ready for this insanity at the end of the month, and a good trip to grandma's house!!