Last I wrote here, I was headed to sunny Florida to see my uncle who was battling cancer, excited (to see him & be there w/ him), being myself..... And In DENIAL.
Once I got there & realized the reality of the situation, sat with the hospice nurses, heard the phone call from the doctor giving him a few weeks, everything instantly changed in me, right there, forever.
Less than two weeks after getting home & winding down, the universe took from me the greatest person I ever had, or had known. The person I was the most proud to have in my life, my family, and the person I loved the most. Someone who refreshed my soul, loved all the same things in life, taught me like no other, got me away from all the humdrum of everyday life to my favorite place in the world (which will now never be the same without him), and loved me like the daughter they never had. Someone I spent so much quality time with, esp. In the past 3 years (since I was much younger), and whom I was looking forward to many more years with more than anyone else.
(I must say, I do apologize for the 80's, although it wasn't my fault.)
I was in denial that cancer would ever fucking take him......then I watched him diminish, from the beginning to the last few weeks, and he was gone in a blink, in under a year.
This was my mother's lil brother & best friend in the world, and really the last good person we had, and I became so fucked up from this. More than anyone can understand. It's been 3 months since I could even write about this.
But Then......
THEN....
Right after this tragedy, the worst news & circumstances in the world came flying at me from every direction. Unspeakable things, so not I'm not speaking of them. All of them.
To frost this cake, there is the internet stalker troll. He has finally leaked into this world of mine that I ran to to get the fuck away from him & his 7 years of shit.
Everywhere. He spreads into everywhere like a fatal disease. It's something I swore never to speak of here (my happy place), or other places, but the constant enviously hateful/self hateful taunting rages on, and how long can you go on without getting just completely disgusted, or get sick of being watched, and how can you not fight back against endless mountains of hilarious, sick, sad, super delusion & bullshit commentary about you from a total fucked up, bitter loser.
And now that I'm thinking about, this will all be too much to keep your attention in one post.
Many times no one ever really knows what to say about it. I guess it's just too fucked up. They just agree this person is a shithead, and that's along w/ a few other royally ridiculous people who condone & fuel the behavior. How sad do you have to be to bitterly envy someone that much.
I guess I'm trying to explain the reasons I've had to duck out of all this for a while.
I MISS my blogging buddies.
I MISS this blog.
And, I MiSS myself. I love you people to pieces, and finding you was like finding gold.
I'm not self-absorbed. I can't find myself at the moment, lost my footing. My light temporarily went out, and I'm being tortured by this thing called growing up, the tree of life, the order of things & all that jazz. Maybe it's 29's fault.
I also love y'all too much to let you see my ugly side from arguing & defending myself all over the place from a constant pathetic shit talker with no life. Which I will be elaborating on some time. That cat's out of the bag.
Sorry if I couldn't make you laugh. It sucks for me shit's been no laughing matter either. But, IMO, you deserve an explanation for this madness.
It's been hard for me to read other blogs too because my head's been in such a fucked up place. I start & then fall away again. I gotta work on getting back to myself for a while & make this all better.
I miss this world & all my crazy loves in it like mad. I WILL be back, and I'm sorry if I let you down by just skipping out & going mad. I let myself down too, but life happens, good or bad.
