Oh Hai, Explosions Anyone?

Bloggers, how the hell ya been?!

*Blows confetti out the back door*
(and not the one with the knob if you know what I mean. Although, I can assure you I have no knob, cept those two that rest atop my chesticles)

As most of you know (unless you're hiding in a cave banging a polar bear), last weekend was the 4th of July here in America - Ya know, when we get all redneck-style drunk, eat sausages, and blow shit up as we tear over how beautiful of a celebration it is, or rather it's just the liquor making us cry. Whatever it may be, it can get emotional. Esp. if the explosions are too much to handle........ and this year in my neck of the woods, they certainly were!

Now, if I hadn't mentioned it before, my next door neighbor works for the light company. A few years back he lost his strict & overbearing father and has since gone right back to the good ol' age of 16, partying in the garage with his grown sons on a daily basis, drinking massive quantities of beer, and blowing up the whole neighborhood with illegal explosives.

So, three years ago Mahk decides he's going to outdo the entire town and their cheesy town fireworks display with his display and a block party that has since expanded to an open house bash between 4 neighborhood houses with an attendance way into the triple digits.

We just happen to have the best seat in the whole neighborhood every year because they go off right over our backyard, and this is only a taste.

That noise after the explosion is the friggin' enormity of the neighborhood shindig.

A bunch of us were watching the fountain of fire shoot up from the trailer while fusion bombs went through the sky & we actually just lost it laughing. You didn't know what else to do. I've seen fireworks shows, big & small, all over the place my whole life, and none of us had ever seen anything like it.

My mother's a bit wild at heart, even pushing 60, and had my poor 80 year old grandparents in the corner sitting through this. My lil nana has very high anxiety & heart rhythm problems, got very scared, and, well, it kind of pissed me off my mother was that stupid.

Now, there were a few friends & family members occupying my house & backyard (about 25 or so), and here you can see the party gone wild & hear my super twit sister suggest we should have opened our yard to hundreds of sweaty drunk college kids with terrible Boston accents. 

Silly bitch....

You're grammatically incorrect, sistarella. It's "YAAAHHHD", not "YARD", queeftaht. Go back to Nebraska!

(We don't really get along too well. She's a flake & I'm a hardass. It's like oil & water)

"I'm gonna spread sum fuckin' butta all over this heah stah spankgled banna, guy. Where's my beeah, and a fourk I can stiab some assbag heah in the face with, guy?"

Gotta. Love. The. North Shore

Did you know I made it through about 10 minutes of "The Depahted" before I started looking for where my vest full of grenades & machine guns were at?

Quit talking like that! It makes you look frackin fucked up & uncivilized.

Boston, Connecticut, Rhode Island, parts of New Hampshah & Maine, you heard me...
(And try not to take offense with this from someone who's been living here their whole life. Unless you have the heavy accent. Then go take some speech classes fer christsake)

Jersey & New Yawk, don't get me stahted. You're certainly not safe.

Whew! You know what... I really flew of topic here, but that explosion's been waiting to happen for a while.
Ever since Lily DiCaprio showed up on my screen trying to be like Chaalie from down the street.

Welcome to the north east! We have baboons & beer! And lots & LOTS of Yuengling, guy!

ONWARD!!

Here are some bewbs to keep your attention.

No. Fucking. Way!
I would beat your ass with your own shoes if you ever came around me wearing these.

You know...... this whole post is just failing terribly! Gawd!


Now, look. Even though last year I was in sunny Florida for 3 weeks during the 4th, I was quite bummed I wasn't here for Mahk's end of the world block pahty, and also that when trying to make the fireworks display down in Seminole County, my GPS took me to an empty church parking lot - "Just shut up & pray for fireworks, buoy. That's how we see light in the sky down here in Molesterville".

I don't know what sort of divine intervention happened next, but my flight to come home was scheduled for the evening of July 4th, and when I tell you that plane came down from over the clouds precisely at 9:00 P.M., I mean just in time for me to see fireworks displays ALL over Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Boston from all the little backyard displays to all the the big shot shows on the water all at once, all from an airplane.

And if that wasn't enough of a dream come true, the Boston Harbor display was in full swing when I landed at Logan.

Actual shot from the airplane window touching down on the runway.

I can check that off from my list now! Fireworks across 3 states from an airplane.


Since I've spent so much time screwing around here, let's get on to This Week In Twitter
(Or last week, or maybe even two weeks ago. I've been a slacker)

Because it's all fun & games until somebody goes insane. Then it's REALLY FUN!!

You're not really gone, though, until you actually turn the photo in with a review.
Not like I actually did that.........
(Though, you should know me better because I totally did)

Your beaver bit my beaver & now there's gonna be words.

Maybe I've gotten too personal here.

Tell me the story of your life. Is that too personal for you?!

Blah, blah.

Ooohh....


JACKPOT!

A step up from my future brother-in-law who falls UP the stairs on a weekly basis.
(He's okay. Sort of. He never really was to begin with)

Right about now, I feel like one of those psychological test subjects in an auditorium full of medical scientists.

What if I told them my fruit turned to sandy clam shells in my hand & the escalator took you through the wall, but rather beat me into the wall because I had magnets in my shoulder, which totally must have manifested from this brilliant & hilarious post by The Snee.

I bet you those scientists would pay big bucks for a test subject who's consumed as much acid as me in the 90's. See, that's the 60's backwards. Think about it.



So, speaking of too much acid in the 90's...

A whole nother subject for its own special post, let's leave it at that, and "Shockin' the Cockin'"
(Speaking of which, I should tell my dear bro I have now seen a new shock plug that'll help him "Shockin' the Colon" too)

So........

Think of Wile E. Coyote, cept' with the bang (or rather, consecutive bangs) before the loud whistle as he plummets into the core of the earth.

Not everything can be perfect. My first car was a lawn mower.

So in concluding this post for today, some of the upcoming posts here should somewhat consist of; my vegetable jungle progress, my sister's bridal shower & preparation for her wedding, a hokey music festival in the slums, and so on...

Now I know this all seems quite lame, but c'mon, guys, it's me. 

(I don't know why I just felt like saying "Crazy Carl")

It's bound to be fucked up & entertaining.

So, I hope ya'll had a really great 4th & of course a happy Canada Day ;~}, and I leave you with our cheesy town fireworks display's grand finale captured in really poor quality. 

You're so welcome!

You're Twisted Too. What's Your Damage?

Because if you didn't find any amusement in some kind of twisted humor, you probably wouldn't be following this blog. Well, today we're talking about a particular category of twisted humor - Accidental Humor.

Now, this has the potential to create some conflicting feedback due to the nature of some the accidental shit I'm about to elaborate on here, and you may find yourself saying "But pixi, there's nothing funny about wheelchair accidents."

Well, put aside all that sucks about it (and yes it does, and we know it does) & focus on funny (because there's funny in everything, there has to be), and yes there is something funny about it, just ask my mom (or your mom). That's mines favorite kind of humor.

In fact, I had to go through hell to find her an episode of "A Thousand Ways to Die" because I made the mistake of telling her somebody in a wheelchair rolled down a ramp smoking a cigarette with an oxygen tank & blew up. I think it made her year. But it worked out for both of us. She loves wheelchair accidents, I love explosions. True mother-daughter bonding time!


But don't tell me if you were sitting in front of your TV, with peripheral view of your picture window, and somebody fell out of a tree in your front yard & thumped on your lawn like a sack of potatoes, you wouldn't piss your pants. I know, or call the police.


But I'd like to argue that we all have some kind of Three Stooges type shit that just tickles our funny bone to tears. Those guys weren't so damn funny for their time for no good reason.

For some it may be explosions or stunts gone wrong. For others it may be people falling down stairs, or people being hit by cars (and obviously surviving unscathed, or you'd just be a sinister sicko, and there is a fine line)


As I've already given away my secret, we'll start with the first one.....

EXPLOSIONS! - How many times I rewound the video of the day some friends & I got together with some Warhead Launchers & Melons was disturbing, laughing till I cried every time. I don't know if I'll ever know what it is.

 

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EVERYTHING about explosions is funny. Cept' when they kill thousands of people, but remember this post is about flowers & funny. And a lil bit about explosive diarrhea as well.

Admittedly, as a youngster I never laughed at the clown, though I laughed at the pie in the face simply because it made a BAM sound & basically exploded in the scary fucking clown's face.

But if you wanted to see a child such as me amused (or laughing like a crazy hyena) for hours, you would have given me a toy like this.

 True story.

 And that's how kids grow up to be terrorists, folks.

Aaand now I just totally gave myself away.

(Can you say that on the Internet? Should I lock my doors?)

Anywho, next up.....

FALLING! - You people are fuckin' sick. But hey, like I said, I'm not gonna judge. Something about it strikes you as inexplicably funny as explosions do for me. Okay, and A LOT of times it's funnier than fuckin' HELL. Or funny as all hell. I don't wtf's ever been funny about hell.

It's just that being that I'm 28 yet on some days feel like a f-ing 80 year old with osteoarthritis (& a medical buff, always have to be the one to take care of every dumb ass mofo), I'm just afraid of falling, and particularly that my life will end on a staircase. No, I'm not clumsy in bed. Just frail, okay.

Look at him GO!

(Now, sadly, as traumatic & gruesome it would be & the years of therapy it would take to heal, if his head were like that of a watermelon & exploded all over the stairs, I'd maybe pee my pants a lil. Strictly from explosive impact, which is highly unlikely)

Now tell me you've seen a grown man purposely sled down the stairs, but unintentionally get up to speeds of 90mph as you swore smoke bellowed from his asshole, because I know that was the closest I ever truly came to peeing my pants in my adult years.

I talk a lot about peeing my pants, huh. Great expression. Is it awkward for you?

Now you should know that it wasn't exactly the stunt itself that triggered the response (nor the magic mushrooms that night), but the fact that his head smacked. every. step on the way down. Oh LORDY!!

Keep it together my ass.

Or it's like watching your girlfriend fly sideways through the air like a human Frisbee with wings, off of a skateboard, and classic belly flop out onto the middle of the street as her board flies through the air in the opposite direction, heading for the window of a nearby truck.

And you know she's probably really hurt, but you're still falling apart on the sidewalk, unable to even catch your breath or move because WTF was THAT?!

We're all going to hell, but it sounds like a fun place, doesn't it.

Onward....

MOBILE ACCIDENTS - And not necessarily limited to automobiles, but mobility of many kinds; Go-Karts, flying saucers, roller skates.

This shit is pure gold, and we all fucking know it. 

Now I recall getting run over by a sled & being in an eye patch like a sad pirate for three weeks, but according to Google this is more common on a sled/saucer/what have you...

Turkey's Done!

OH! You're fucked.

What is it that we all love so much about that helpless forward stumbling motion of a dip shit falling on roller skates.

Though, oddly enough, I had one hell of a time finding pics of dip shits falling forward on roller skates, so I had to go with drunken roller slut seeing it was much more pleasant than the monsters of the roller derby. (I think I just came up with a good 2012 calendar)

Or why is it always the smaller the vehicle, the funnier the crash.

BOUNCE, you rolling lil sausage! Watch your vertebrae. It's all fun & games till someone gets a metal plate & a Percocet addiction.

 

And for another old favorite....

THE WALL/OBJECT CRASH - IMPACT (Which kind of goes hand & hand with all the above)

People driving into & through things, or people themselves hitting or going through walls, etc...

He's a person too, man, and he will fuck you UP!

 More of that BANG that tickles me so much. My whole life I've been crashing into things for entertainment purposes, whether it be on sleds, Rollerblades, bikes, skateboards, jumping over fences, yes, even throwing myself down stairs to make people laugh as a wee wee one.

Sure I was a normal child. Out of all my 10,000 nicknames over the years, lil crash cup was a classic. I was going for more of a stunt girl thing, but whatever.

There's got to be some I'm missing, I'm sure. I called my mother with this subject earlier just cause I knew it would make her day & her comments were endless, even getting into hot air balloon accidents.

I think I covered I the basics. What does it to you?
Unless you've never laughed at an accident in your life. In which case you should probably stop reading & join a convent.

Cuz I heart explosions. <3