Farkle! There's Yahtzee All Over Me, & I'm Headed Down South

Farkle.

I don't know WTF it is, but it stands out, doesn't it?

As in "I farkled all over your face".

"I farkled IN your face".

"I farkled my way to the top".

"I farkled your sister at the laundry mat".

"You shut yer goddamn farklehole!"

And I'm looking at this shit thinking "God, this game's gotta be fuckin' great!"

What if someone goes into like, a Farkle fuckin' fit of rage & grabs you during game play, farkles your shirt all up, & starts farkling off at the mouth....

This is one of those things you gotta play in a bullet proof vest apparently.

Then there are probably different variations of Farkle. Like "Street Farkle", "Farkle All-Stars", and "Farkle Your Mom, She Doesn't Call Me Anymore". Parker Brothers is working on a deal, or an LP.

All I know about Farkle is it's a cup with some dice.

I'm Farkle, and I'm farkin' purple, and if you got a farkin' problem with that I'll farkle your farklin'  face off."

Yet it has one of the best f'n names EVER!

And it's said there are a lot of risks inside that box, so Farkle is somewhat like a hooker too.

And then this lil risk-taker came along & had EVERYTHING to do with Farkle, according to Google.

If I didn't know what Farkle was, but saw this as my first result it would be pretty self-explanatory.

Apparently when a gnome takes a crap it's a Farkle. 

You learn something new everyday.

Which makes me wonder what unicorn manure would do to my garden.

So, next time you see yourself face to face with this wonder, ask yourself  "Farkle.......Why?.... Who sent you?"

It's a magic word. Like, every time you say it, you feel like there should be a glittery trail of fuck sparkling behind it.

I have no idea what that means. 

Or why I'm writing any of this.

A. Giant. Fuck. Rainbow!

Farkling in the sun.

(Sometimes I go into gaming mode & last week was one such time, and after standing in the aisles of Target in a daze, this word started to rape my mind. I could feel it violating me from the shelf, and knew what had to be done. Farkle, I shall commemorate you on ye olde blog, then expose you for the rapist that you are.)

...................................................

Anywho.

Now that I've gotten something off my chest that's been on my mind for weeks after a night of staring this phenomenon square in the face & then watching a game of Monopoly get nasty & go down for 6+ hours & nearly involve the mob....

He looks nice, doesn't he? Cute lil mustache midget with a bow tie, can't seem to find his monocle?

Wait till you don't pay him his money & let his hooker's corners go to shit & next thing you know you're riding to a hospital with one arm, squashed between this Grey Poupon eatin' muthafucka & a loan shark named Barry, getting ready to tuck & roll.

let's get onto the south part already...

Flaaaahrida.

Aside from the gators & the weird shit, my other home.

It seems as though I'll either be driving or flying down within the next week.

I'll keep you posted.

Don't Farkle yourself too much while I'm gone.

A Whole Pile of Gibberish & A Messed Up Paradise

I feel compelled to jump in here all "AAAAYYY" like Fonzi, but really, that's just fucking cheesy & possibly detrimental to my readership, so I'll start by saying "Hi, blog, bloggers. I've truly missed your asses, really."

 I do enjoy staying very busy, but it's just not the same without you. All those lonely, wordless nights I lay in bed, thinking about caressing you and your foul words and insane ramblings and how you say "Don't touch me there! It's harassment".

As some of you may know, over a week ago I packed my bags and ran on down to sunny FLA for a fun in the sun vacation and to get away from this apocalyptic rain forest that is NEW New England, and god knows I'm a whore for the sun, palm tress, beaches, tropics, flip flops, bikinis, surfing, and partying, but mind you, everywhere you go is a world of its own.

Yes, where rednecks molest alligators and you have a 40% chance of being murdered just driving to the post office.

Something tells me this was probably created by some 80 year old golfer in Boca. 

So, I'm thinking of adding a new segment here where I elaborate on some of the things I've tweeted, experienced, and talked about throughout the week because, well, it gives me more shit to post about and I have to mention that they're subjects which were tweeted because many of you have probably seen it tweeted, and that would be lame if you heard about it twice without explanation.

Tonight I was in a restaurant and this guy (probably about 60-70-ish) was stomping around unnecessarily like a buffalo with a family size dinner in his hands and a friend of mine said "He's going to eat that whole plate and break the place down." 

(Mind you, this isn't a weight thing. He didn't seem that big at all to me. This a "Why the hell are you stampeding across the floor like a buffalo holding a plate to feed a family of four all to yourself" thing)

Surely enough right before we left, the guy broke the chair and fell out of it and tumbled to the the floor in front of the whole restaurant and that's when it hit me like a pile of bricks - "This has absolutely nothing to do with my blog post, but I'm gonna put it in there anyway". Then it hit me like a sack of crab legs - "I'm going to elaborate on some of my interesting and humorous tweets from this week".

So here we go - "Shit I mentioned on Twitter", & "Down the Rabbit Hole".

Down in Florida I had completely forgotten about the consequences of having to share a room with my mother, and it hadn't hit me till after the first night when I was crying and holding myself , pulling my hair out and slapping myself in the head on the bathroom floor with a pillow. 

True story.

My father says the shit my mother says in her sleep is the most screwed up, psychedelic rabbit hole he's ever been down, and with that, I couldn't agree more...... I was reminded.

The second night she wakes up suddenly out of a sound sleep:

- "I just had the worst nightmare!!"

- "What happened, Ma?"

- "We were singing under the lollipop tree and allll the colors broke!"

- "That's a nightmare, mom?"

- "It is to me!

Someone kept screaming 'What about the green one?! What about the green one?!'......... Like, what about it? What the fuck about it?! IT'S JUST LIME!"

This unfortunately just got worse as the week went on.

- "OMG, I just has the biggest Italian fight!

All the chandeliers came down, someone called me a meatball!"

- "Wait a minute, mom........What the hell is going on now?"

- "I......I don't know what to say. We were burglarized by Bird's Eye!"

- "WHAT?"

(I thought this was some secret service shit before I found out she was talking about frozen peas)

- "What's your favorite way to have fish, Ba?"

- "WHAAATTT?! What. the. fuck?!" *In Tears*

- "Ya know........ A lot of people don't realize the value of stewed tomatoes."

- "Really now?"

- "They don't!!"

"Look, Ba, it's a periwinkle!"

- "Oh, god!

What do you mean?" *afraid to ask*

- "Well, you know how the sun sets on a rock? It's setting on a periwinkle. It's just sitting there all fat and stupid."

- "What the ffffffuck!"

- "BA???"

(One of my many nicknames, somehow short for "Bitsy")

- "Yeah, mom?"

- "How's she doing that with the chick peas?"

- "Who?"

- "I wanna be on The Real Housewives of New Jersey."

- "Kill me now."

*************************************

I go to Florida at least once a year to get away from all the humdrum of regular life & spend weeks at a time with my uncles or watch their house while their on vacation, and this time was quite different than the others so far. This new reality with all going on back home and with all going on back there with my uncle's cancer & all was another dimension. In fact, this new reality of mine had driven me to drink.

....Al the way down to the bottom of a 1.75 liter.

The actual bottle

Bottoms up!

I ended up spending most of my week melting like butter at the beach, getting ripped on tequila, compulsively shopping and tweeting, and abusing Foursquare.

Getting word of some goings on back home.

Meanwhile, World War III breaks out down in Florida with an epic drunk and shirtless fight between the uncles, after my one uncle had fallen down onto the floor of the dining room numerous times from too many cuckoo pills and bottles of scotch and a no sugar, no carb, no food diet combo that would make Judy Garland look like Strawberry Shortcake.

Then the Twitter spelling owl came to my aid. Now I don't know what's up with this cockamamie bastard, but he thought he knew how to spell "pinscher" better than me.

So, my vacation was awesome!!!

I'm going to update my Flickr & actually attempt to put the photo stream on the sidebar of my blog here, so you can actually see some of the nice parts of my vacation, but we'll see because there's a strong dose of Murphy's Law going around right now.

And now I can officially say "I hope you're all having a wonderful start to this summer!" =D

Because mine has been as fun as a bonfire on the beach, and as interesting as a bonfire on the beach with burning bodies in it.

No Funny Here Today, I Am Sorry (Devastation Content)

No, I don't feel I should limit what I blog about if I really want to speak up about something.

Granted, nothing is better for the heart & soul like comedy, but I am a human being who lives through other emotions as well.

(If you don't like it & absolutely must laugh through everything, I'm sorry you're weird. You'll have to excuse me. I get over emotional sometimes.)

And I particularly apologize to new followers. This is not my usual content at all.

Fear.

Sadness.

Devastation.

August 29th, 2005, a dreadful day as you may remember, a category 3 hurricane (A.K.A. Katrina) struck New Orleans, Louisiana.

My ignorance held me under the impression that nothing this catastrophic could happen, and most certainly not right here in the U.S.

Your home? Your great city? The foundation on which you had built your entire life?

It was an extreme awakening for most of the country.

It CAN happen. It HAS happened to people you know & love, just like it's happened to others in other countries, and maybe now we can acquire some damn sympathy for the devastation which takes place beyond our own "turf".

(This is a problem with many Americans, don't try to deny that shit.)

At this very moment I am watching our cozy, dolled up lil anchorwomen smile & discuss this catastrophe with the look of a thrill in their eyes, as families in Japan are full of tears, pain, and utter devastation.

I'm sure a wave of debris & bodies crashing through the building & sweeping your peachy looking ass away would give you something to smile & crack jokes about.

"Winter's been tough, lemme tell ya. Hahaha!"

Fuck you, lady.

You don't know tough besides trying to find a new hairstyle that's not from 1983 & where you're gonna meet your posh ass friends for lunch this week.

(Excuse me, that pisses me off.)

Whether there was a possibility of it happening to us or not (and there is without a doubt), this country needs to develop a keener sense of empathy. As well as some major concern.

As many earthquakes & cyclones that have occurred in Haiti since the 1700's with it's last major catastrophic event recorded in 1946, "A magnitude 8.0 earthquake that struck the Dominican Republic and shook Haiti on 4 August, producing a tsunami that killed 1,790 people and injured many others." courtesy of Wikipedia...

The new & technologically advanced  (and ignorant, my honest apologies but I have been one of those people too) world saw devastation the likes of which we never thought we would - January 10th, 2010 a 7.0 earthquake hits Haiti. "An estimated three million people were affected by the quake; the Haitian government reported that an estimated 316,000 people had died, 300,000 had been injured and 1,000,000 made homeless. The death toll has also been suggested to be much lower at somewhere between 92,000 and 220,000, with around 1.5 million to 1.8 million homeless. The government of Haiti also estimated that 250,000 residences and 30,000 commercial buildings had collapsed or were severely damaged."  90% of the town at the epicenter was utterly destroyed.

(Do you think about how these people have been living when you prance out onto your tile floor in the morning, in your snuggy, and smear jelly all over your delicious fresh baked bagel? You think those people would like some of that just as you would if you were homeless, trudging through dangerous infested waters? You think about when their last meal was, when their last peaceful sleep might have been?)

And with very recent events in Japan along with reports of tsunami waves possibly headed for multiple other countries, including the west coast of The Unitied States, perhaps some will wake up a bit more now?

Right now residents of low lying U.S. communities have been urged to evacuate.

Ask yourself "How long before events like this hit someone I love or right where I live?"

"What are these people really going through as we sit here comfortably & sip our gourmet coffee watching the news?"

Do you think something may be going on with our planet, particularly over the past 10 years or so that we can ignore awareness of?

(Did you know that on Jupiter, on which there is a visible belt of various latitudes, there is a constant anticyclonic storm that may now be a permanent feature of the planet? A storm "large enough to contain two or three planets of Earth's diameter". Who knows what it once was.)

Back to the topic at hand, I felt it when it happened in NOLA. I felt it when it hit Haiti, and it's becoming evermore apparent now. Geological devastation is more rampant.

I am of the opinion something is slowly changing that we need to take heed of.

Put down the fish tacos & wake the fuck up, America. Just because it doesn't happen doesn't mean it can't, and suddenly.

How long do you think we're going to live in our lil bubble while comets & cyclones fly by & shit, not to mention the ever so popularly ignored blood spilling all over foreign soil.

Ah, I know, I got it - We're so damn special the gods built us an invisible shield dome, therefore we don't have to worry about that shit.

Fucked up as it is, it's not far from what most people believe.

I LOVE my country more than any other I could ever love, but my disappointment, and sometimes disgust, in some of its inhabitants is something I'll never at times be able to fathom.

Now, please pray for Japan, and every region affected by such tragedy in the not-so-distant pass, and all the folks it could possibly still affect.

Please feel some damn empathy for your fellow humans.

And count your blessings, people. Count your blessings. They're precious.

Be thankful you don't have to flee nor start your life from the ground up today & live through all that comes with that.