Time for WTF Theater

I recently got around to thinking about movies that seriously mess up your mind & make you question what the hell happened in the end (or just through the whole damn thing), and I think I got some good mentionables on my lil list here.

We've all seen em'. Those movies that leave you sitting there utterly unable to close your jaw or un-wrinkle your forehead.

I know there are many more movies to add to this fun lil list, and I'll leave that up to you, but I'm going to focus on my top three here.

1. American Psycho

Okay, maybe this ending made sense to most people, but it left me a lil pissed off that I didn't get it.

Patrick Bateman is a wall street yuppie with serious OCD, and a lust for blood & hookers.

It all begins when he murders his co-worker, Paul Allen, in a raincoat in his living room with an axe, the whole time raving about how much he loves Huey Lewis & The News.

Just tell him you love Huey Lewis, dude. He's all bent out of shape.

This leads to a series of bizzare murders, including running down the hallway naked with a chainsaw, chasing a hooker, and dropping it on her ass from three floors up.

"Here's looking at you, hooker. I think I just crapped my pants."

But it all becomes fucky to me towards the end when he supposedly blows up cop cars & has helicopters after him, hiding under a desk, calling his lawyer. Then, meets his buddies for lunch the next day & nobody fucking cares & somehow he's now become Paul Allen, that other yuppie he hacked to death, and omg, why did this whole thing just become more complicated than a confused teenage girl?!

Was he Paul Allen to begin with? Did he imagine himself as Patrick Bateman & the whole thing?

Was that first yuppie back at his apartment a representation of the old him he wanted to kill off?

(Clearly, I just clarified my own confusion. Did I?) 

Maybe. Moving on.

2. The Naked Lunch

Holy NEVER watch this movie on hallucinogens like my girlfriend had me years ago!

This guy's a writer/journalist, I kind of don't remember, and he comes home one night to some dude banging his wife on the couch as another guy is standing by reading excerpts from the bible. He casually walks across the room & she staggers over & places an apple on her head. He then aims with an arrow & misses the apple, shooting his wife in the head, while the whole time the other dude is still reading the bible.

Then he gets turned onto bug powder & starts getting ridiculously high off this stuff.

Like, he was so high on bug powder his typewriter began to turn into this giant beetle type thing & starts talking to him.

At some point I'm sure this thing turns into a giant vagina, but I could have been imagining that!

Don't think it could get worse?

He starts hanging out with this guy next.

Meanwhile, no one has any idea wtf all these drug induced space age creatures are trying to tell this guy, and who cares, because this is just too fucking weird for words.

It makes no sense to me beginning to end, he just keeps getting higher & higher, and shit just gets weirder & weirder. The end.

3. Lost Highway

King of cinematic WTF's

HEYYYYYYYY!! What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On. HERE?!?

They're at home. Some weird tape arrives in the mail. I forget what's on it.

They're at a party. There's that weird guy creeping everybody out, and omg wasn't he that guy that murdered that chick in real life, like, for real, for real?

Phil Specter Murder Trial

My own blog is going to give me horrible nightmares because that's what THAT is the face of, my friends.

Bill Pullman's wife's personality & hair keep changing color (at least he thinks it's his wife), and all you can really gather is that she was somehow involved in porno (with horrible German music) & he didn't know about it.

He's driving down a highway. For like, a really long time.

I think he's lost. He should have been given a titular line.

"I'm so lost on this goddamn highway."

Oh, look there's a house. It's creepy video camera guy again, which is probably a sign you're about to die, and he refuses to tell you about your weird wife's vagina.

How can we really tell how it ends when the whole damn movie just lacks too much damn sense to comprehend or even remember.

Over the top, David Lynch. Over the top.

This one might have been better off at a fucked up mime porno film festival.

And that concludes our episode of WTF Theater.

I know you got some up your sleeve, or have seen one, or all, of these movies.

If you know any good ones, feel free to add them to the WTF list.

How About A Mad-Lib Monday (On A Tuesday)...

Because whatever, and I came up with the idea too late in the day, and the sun isn't up yet, and I'm just a rule breaker.

(Or did I come up with this idea? You never know who's already thought up of something.)

So, I got home, did some for fun & these were the classic winners.


So, I started out emphasizing the words I chose & then I just came to the conclusion I'm too demented & that it looks way funnier if I actually don't emphasize, but rather if it's just read naturally.....

Personal Ad:

"I enjoy long, hairless walks on the beach, getting porked in the rain and serendipitous encounters with lizards. I really like piña coladas mixed with pee, and romantic, candle-lit sharks with laser beams. I am well-read from Dr. Seuss to Wayne Newton. I travel frequently, especially to burker king, when I am not busy with work. (I am a shoe shiner.) I am looking for cheese and beauty in the form of a Hungarian goddess. She should have the physique of Joan Rivers and the hot dog of Princess Peach. I would prefer if she knew how to cook, clean, and wash my shoes. I know I’m not very attractive in my picture, but it was taken 69 days ago, and I have since become more incoherent"

War:

"It was during the battle of sasquatch when I was running through a corn field when a dildo went off right next to my platoon. Our hooker yelled for us to ass-pound to the nearest trailer we could find. When we got to the trailer we farted to start a fire. As we were starting the fire the enemy saw the rhino from the fire and started honking sweater puppets at us. we all quickly ducked behind the chicken at the trailer and returned fire. we quickly eliminated the enemy and were FUBAR'd that we had won the battle."

Romeo & Juliet

"Two testicles, both alike in dignity,
In fair Hoboken, where we lay our scene,
From ancient shart break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross`d fish tacos take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their water balloon bury their parents` strife.
The fearful passage of their retarded love,
And the continuance of their parents` rage,
Which, but their children`s end, nought could smack,
Is now the 420 hours` traffic of our stage;
The which if you with smoked scrotum attend,
What here shall molest, our toil shall strive to mend."

                                                                                                       

 Okay, I have the humor of a strange child at times, but I get a damn kick out of these things, and yep, it had me laughing just like a child.

What Is Up the Ass of America? (Not What You Think)

Just ask E.R nurses; how I found out what's up the ass of Americans, and the anal um "issues" that some people seem to have. You come to the conclusion somethings up, and not only up their asses, but maybe not quite right upstairs - America has ANAL.ISSUES.

There are so many stories & cases, any of these freaks could be amongst our everyday lives, and I definitely say "to each his own", but some preferences are kind of unfathomable & uh, safety first?

Maybe that's why it wasn't a good idea for that guy who was in the E.R once a month with a foreign object lodged in his rectum to go ahead & add a handful of mercury thermometers to his anal arsenal, his "happy storage space" once the nurses backs were turned, because when the thermometers broke, it was the last bit of excitement he ever experienced.

Strangely enough, many hospitals have what they refer to as "frequent flyer's" who continuously show up in the E.R with different objects where the sun don't shine.

Thanks to some of the threads at AllNurses.Com, we have a good list of insanity to go down.

These are true claims from real E.R nurses.

• Budweiser bottle

• Endless varieties of shampoo bottles

• A jar of Grey Poupon (How in the hell?!) That one ended up with a colostomy.

• A Flashlight. And when the doctor inserted the speculum to take a look, his face lit up from the light inside.

•  A cell phone turned on vibrate

• A hairbrush, bristles first.

• A rumor of a guy with a coffee jar full of drawing pins & tacks.

• Eating utensils (Not too sure of the details on that one, don't wanna be)

• Small, furry animals (Not an urban legend, confirmed)

• The end of a curtain rod

• A broom stick handle

• A candlestick

• Fruits of all shapes & sizes

• Bouncy balls

• Curling iron

• Hair dryer

• Crack pipes

• A butter knife from a frat party gone bad

• Polish sausage (We have a....not. winner. Wtf!)

• "I tripped & fell on a" - lamp post, wine bottle, shampoo, and a roll of paper towels.

• Endless vibrators still running when the patient comes in. They went just a lil too far, if you know what I mean.

• A small pistol (Good times if that shits loaded & goes off - YAHOO!)

• Potatoes, sprouted potatoes (Not a myth, confirmed) - "Every time I read one of these I wonder if the pt ever stopped to think that in order to have the potato lodged in his rectum from falling on it in the garden, he would most likely be naked. If he was wearing clothes, the pants would have prevented the potato from lodging in his rectum.

          Unless he was wearing a dress..."

 - "I can just see that 40 y/o biker type guy gardening commando in a sundress..."

• One of those water floaty noodles, the entire thing, all 4 ft. compacted into his rectum & descending colon. (I had no idea of the possibilities, really)

• Remote control

• Mayonnaise jar (Takes the taco from the mustard jar)

• Man with a rectal cucumber

• An orange 

• "An Eggplant in the Rectum!!  He went to surgery for removal!! I've never looked at an eggplant the same!!"  

• A bottle of Brut cologne

Oddly enough, this list is just virtually endless. It would literally never end....

And some of these medical professionals it simply does not phase, and they get the entertainment of their life out of it, so there is a tidbit of an upside to this in a fn' strange, strange world.

"Anal" Americans, I salute you. Just definitely not with a flag up my ass.

The next time I'm sitting on a park bench or something along those lines, in some heavily populated area, I'll try to be more conscious of my surroundings, and wonder what could be lurking up the asses of the people around me.

Wordless Wednesday

Si, Senor.

Fuckin' A, I'm all fucked up now.