Because it's that time of year again. You know the one, when that drunk, naked lil shit with wings comes around with his bow & arrows, attempting to shoot you in the chest, resulting in a massive coronary.
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| "Teehee." Omg, aren't you f-ing hilarious you naked lil asshole... |
Naked, flying, unstable dude with an arsenal of weapons, and this is supposed to be the day of love.
Sounds way more like a domestic violence call, to be followed up with quite the intervention.
Sounds way more like a domestic violence call, to be followed up with quite the intervention.
If you're single with Valentine's Day coming up, forget all that romantic sorrow bullshit that will happen for you when the time is right (the romance, not the sorrow), and use this bubbly, heart filled holiday to display your love & appreciation towards other types in your life.
If every single mofo gifts another single mofo; friend or family member, dog, lizard, nobody will feel half as bad & focus on wtf wasn't done for them for this day of hormonal drama & inner turmoil.
Also, who isn't all tickled by the thought of having a secret admirer?
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| Wrong holiday altogether, huh? |
Plus, he'll already be there when he calls, so he's steps ahead of most other men.
Maybe this is where the title becomes relevant.
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| Good for you. You're probably going to die. |
Look, I'm happy just painting hearts on cookies in my kitchen & shit, and receiving some cinnamon hearts from dear mom. I've had plenty of Valentine's Days, some great & everything you could ever want, some terrible, whether spent hanging naked out of a hotel window with a bottle of champagne in hand or tossing pennies into a Chinese restaurant fountain, wishing your date would disappear, snowed in having sex for a week straight in front of a fireplace, or on a couch all day not speaking a word like a 90 year old couple.
So forget all that shit we're programmed to feel & take this day to celebrate the love you have for a parent or your kids, friends, pets, blow up dolls, butterflies & cucumbers, what have you.
Or you could just beat the shit out of yourself sexually & take you out to dinner.
Hint to self: My favorite is Mexican.
Just don't propose this to the dog or your mom.
Save that freaky sex shit for the Internet, or just write me a rain check.
Just don't propose this to the dog or your mom.
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Whether you have it in your life romantically or not, you've got to love that thing called love, and pay tribute to the power of it. Fucking. magic.
*Poof*
(I totally just blinded you with lube.)
That dead chick with the duct tape is totally freaking me out.
