Tis the Frickin' Season

The one where all the crazies who don't seem to be out all year crawl out of the f-ing woodwork & infiltrate the earth with (even more) weirdness for two months. The two months leading up to the new year for some reason.

They are upon us. The circus is in town. Cousin Eddie's coming home...

The realization kicked in today with a seemingly harmless trip to Suck-Mart for some new Christmas lights that I need to re-string my garlands with.

Once a certain time of year hits, my nostalgic geek ass always reaches for AccuRadio Holidays from my PC or iPhone.

So, today I kicked on a lil AccuJazz, some Vince Gueraldi comes on to start psyching me up with holiday cheer, until my friend signals me to make sure I check out the chick in the lane next to me if I have a chance to pull up.

I really thought this mofo was f-ing with me & I wasn't in the mood for jokes & empty promises of chicks with sideburns.

But lo & behold, this chick had some of the biggest sideburns I have ever seen. Full-on melon chops.


But seriously, props to you, girl. That's a bold fucking fashion statement right there. Hey, it's the time of year anything goes.

Except this next bit. This shit never flies.....

Now look, I don't like to have to beat up anyone. But the deranged douche bag who brought back the 80's, pray I don't find you in a dark alley.

These two hookers........and I'm pretty sure the same ones in the exact same clothing, staring me down as if I were spreading bad fashion since I don't look like I made my clothes at Plaster Fun Time, obviously don't own a bedazzler, nor am in any position to qualify for a Debbie Gibson video.

Maybe they were scouting me out for Devo or Robert Palmer, who knows. I would guess they were pissed I was making them look bad. Though, I could have pulled that off in fishing overalls. AWK-WARD.

This can never have a positive impact on society.

 (Hey, fucker who thought this idea was cool, do you realize this shit HAUNTS me?!)

Now the 80's is trying to step in & fuck with my motherflippin' X-mas, ya'll?!

I HATE the 80's. They ruin everything. I try to block em' out best as I can. Put it back in its box & blast that shit into outer space.

This freak show is quite literally the walking dead, and it is everywhere. These are the zombies you fear, people. Wake up, before it's too late.

I know the future is here & all, but even the Jetsons didn't look that farkin'' crazy. Or "We've simply run out of ideas & styles. Let's go backwards & put a new twist on the ugliest we can remember."

Those freaks weren't revolutionizing anything. They just did too much coke & lost ALL f-ing sense of normalcy. True story. I was there. Kind of. Not really. I told you I block it out.

Anywho, I had thought about maybe running the hookers over (though not really, but maybe just showing off a bit) with my sexy steed in the parking lot (B/c I'm awesome like that & trying to help you bring down the 80's. You can thank me later), but their Delorean was nowhere to be found.

It was after that, when I got stuck behind a 90 year old woman (Seemingly drunk & with Parkinson's, & a car full of dwarfs) & left em' to give chase to DJ Smacks & his penismobile, that I started to consider maybe doing every bit of shopping, big or small, online for the next few months.

Yep, oddly enough, every confusing lil bit of that last sentence is true.

They're out there. And they're giving you dirty looks, wanting to tease your bangs, & growing facial hair, & driving around in giant penises, fornicating with dwarfs. And don't say I didn't warn you.

Theories of Evolution

No, this is not a post on how we came to be. Better yet it's on wtf we are to become........

George Jetson, flying cars, contraptions that feed, bathe & molest your dog all in one.....Could it be?

I was once a skeptic on such a whacked out, robotic-like, 80's coming back in the WRONG way (Actually meaning it's just wrong for them to come back at all) type of future society, but the more I think about it, the more I'm shit scared of these floating neon rings & things.

(And what will the goddamn music be like?)

Sometimes it feels almost as if we've reached the pinnacle of technological advances, or rather that we don't have much further to go till we've reached the sky, but even just a short walk through history will prove that limit is infinite, way beyond the skyline when you see how far we've come.

You laugh at those poor bastards who were big in 2000, listening to The Verve in their Jnco jeans, don't you?
(Even if you were one, you're laughing) And how they were laughing at those clowns in Z Cavariccis & high tops, after those foot loose, plastic covered, Cocaine freaks whippin' it to Devo. Back to Saturday Night Fever 70's & the hippies before them they were laughing at for not breathing cocaine & having terrible taste. The soda shop, high school hop, knocked up in the back of a 57 Chevy era. Swingin' fuckin' 1940's, hello Hitler, Wtf happened here.

My great grandma was born in 1907. They had no car. but she had a horse.

"Why don't you get on your fn horse, go to the office & fax this over for me." Sounds good nowadays.

I'm just glad she wasn't here. 

SEE, what fuckin' went on before people had the internet to cure their boredom.

Technology in general. Bet you the whole thing started because some mofo couldn't call up another mofo over a misunderstanding, so the other mofo got pissed & was like "Fine, I'm just gonna fuckin' blow em' up now." Therefore, it's no doubt evolution has done much in the way of good. But what is "good" as we know it these days? We could all give ourselves goddamn brain cancer for all we know, blow ourselves up in the long run, before the science of nature even gets to us...

(Or is it the nature of science? Either way, it's one of them that's gonna say it's time to go)

I think my point here is I see things getting too strange too fast, and at the same time on the way to achieving what only seemed the wildest dreams to previous generations (all part of that strangeness). Thus, my conclusion is that we walk blindly into this headset hooked, GPS fiber-optic dog future, yet advancing at an amazingly rapid rate too fast to even keep up with.....

So wtf are the clowns ten years from now, laughing at the "in-advanced" way we're living in the present going to be/look like? And who was the asshole to run out in leggings, giant plastic jewelry & neon plastic sunglasses with a fn zebra purse like "OMG, you guys, we gotta bring this shit back!"

And who were the idiots to follow? If all your friends had sex with goats, would you?

So who had it right?........

Only time will tell...