I knew in the back of my mind I was up shit's creek without a paddle, or perhaps a blow torch (Even though I convince myself I'm just being smart & not insane in these situations), when just a few months ago I got stuck, trapped if you will............in a bathroom.
See, the trouble is the average person sees this.......
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| Grab it & go, right? Go handle your burrito, or your Johnson & then your burrito. Maybe some dingleberries & chips, no worries. |
I see something kind of like this......
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| Exactly like this, actually. The doorknob has sharp teeth, dripping with germ goo & out to kill me fuckin' dead! And it's threatening me - "I gotcha, bitch!" |
Shit. Balls.
I was CORNERED, paralyzed & terrorized by a DOORKNOB.
No paper towels to grab it with, so I'm standing there observing it from afar like a Rubik's cube or gigantic Geometry problem, but slobbering with fangs, and dripping with a flesh eating fungus.
W.T.F!!
I think most people would remember Bob Wiley...
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| Bill Murray looks so much like my inner child when my parents told me I wasn't circus material in this picture. Though he needs a banjo & a hobo stick. |
He has a panic attack getting onto an elevator, and eventually annoys his shrink so much, he takes him out to the woods & straps a bunch of dynamite to his crazy ass. I know, who hasn't seen that scenario played out? That's why I'm trying to address this now.
The hand washing (now complete with laundry obsessive-compulsion too), the hand sanitizer, the looks in public - "Is she hosing down with lube?"
(Lube shower's on Saturdays, sister. Get with the program. It's like the naked bobsled run....minus the bobsled)
The scare tactics. They scare even me - "Think about this............ Some dude with his hand in his butt crack, or H1N1, coughed & breathed all into his hand, put his hands all over that menu & now you are too, and are gonna eat a burrito!?!!",*Smiles & looks like a walking ad for Purell*
This stuff is as good as holy water, people. It'll cleanse you, rid you of demons, and burn the shit out of a vampire's face! Goes great with cheap, stale bread.
No, wait, that's the wine. I mean, the blood. You know it's really blood right? Maybe I should save that story of magic, tragedy, and leprechauns for another post.
On a side note, I'm actually pretty sure you could kill a leprechaun with Purell.
And luckily, I know better than to put a flame too close to my hands from the time I came so close to lighting them on fire & smoking them. Acid was a wild ride, man.
If anyone ever sees or receives an award for falling off topic, I want ya'll to remember me.
Let's jump back on the crazy horse.
Germaphobia - "Smart thinking", or "Somebody call the doctor".
Maybe time will tell, and I'll be all like "I told you so", in my Hazmat suit, standing in the corner eating an apple all annoying like.
(Don't ask how I'd get the apple under the face shield. This is my vision. Don't ask me those f-ed up questions.)
