The Advantages and Disadvantages of Penises and Vaginae

From LilPixi, herself...

It's been a long & winding road between surgeries, hospital stays & at home recoveries, and to say I miss being in the swing of blogging & all of you is a major understatement, and I feel it is unfair to just let this blog sit here & collect dust in the meantime. Fortunately, I have some wonderful friends in the blogosphere who have been more than willing & eager to present a guest post for ya'll while I take my time recovering all woe is me & shit, and today I am ecstatic to announce that we'll all be enjoying a guest post from someone in the blogosphere I consider it such an honor to have a guest post done by.

When it comes to the blogging world, Kelly is like my next of kin, so I am beyond thrilled that he'll be gracing us with such an awesome & humorous guest post today, and if you've yet to visit & follow his outstanding blog of epic proportions, Psycho Carnival make sure to pay him a visit afterwards, or the voices of a thousand souls will haunt you in your sleep eternally (A bit much? I think not.) I fucking love this blogger!! My blogging soulmate to say the least. So pop some popcorn & sit back because you're sure to enjoy this ride. Take it away, Kelly.......

THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF PENISES AND VAGINAE

presented to you by your friendly neighborhood guest poster, Kelly... which would be me... you see, oh-so-modestly

As most of you know, some of us (menfolk) own a penis.

Still, there are others (womenfolk) who have a vagina.

And a few of us have both (hermaphrodites).

Today, we shall discuss the advantages and disadvantages of having either a penis or a vagina.

Penis Advantages include:

* The comfort and anatomical ability of being able to piss against a wall, a urinal, face of a homeless retard, behind a friend, over the railing of a bridge or overpass so that it splatters on the cars below or just about anywhere you can fling your ding-a-ling out. Pretty nifty, eh?

* Penises can also be used to put on amusing and interesting puppet shows. (see below)

* And let's say your hands and arms are full of groceries. That handy dandy penis of yours can be used to ring the doorbell to alert your significant other that you're home and in need of assistance with your bags of goodies- or to simply let them know you want them to open the fucking door! Of course, your penis should probably be erect (try stroking it, vigorously) before attempting this and you should be sure the ringer is at the appropriate height or you will probably be shit out of luck. Unless you're that guy, in the above picture. I don't think he'll have any trouble.

Penis Disadvantages Include:

* Let's face it, guys. Penises are stupid looking. The darn thing looks like a deformed sausage link or some variety of mushroom.

* Penises can be quite cumbersome, difficult to handle and will, at times, prove awkward in public places. Guys are usually tugging at their crotches because their one eyed trouser snake almost constantly needs to be shifted here and there in order to avoid discomfort. Women may show their pity upon poor men by offering them a kindly slob job in order to deflate the penis and make it that much more manageable. Everyone wins then! Peace of mind for the menfolk. Protein shake for the womenfolk.

* And, goodness gracious... Who knows when that rascal will become blood-engorged and ready to spew it's whitish vomit on some unsuspecting bed sheet in the middle of the night? I'm talking, of course, about wet dreams. Oh, the horror.

* Bonus boner fact- Horst Schultz achieved a stream of 18 ft 9 in (6 m) with a ‘substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph. Schultz is Penis Spurting Champion of The Universe! Imagine that!

Moving onward...

Vagina Advantages Include:

* Vaginae can be used for extra storage space. I once went to a bachelor party where a stripper did magic tricks with her pussy. The following is not a joke: The skinny blonde haired stripper put a dozen hard boiled eggs into her fleshy storage unit and like a chicken, went to each guy (there was thirty of us, sitting on couches and chairs) and carefully laid an egg from her twat into our frosty mugs of beer. She continued the show by inserting an entire 12 oz. bottle of Budweiser in her mystery hole, along with a bullwhip (don't ask), and a 14 inch zucchini.

Here's the funny part about the zucchini... The stripper had a friend of mine lay on his back on the hardwood floor. The stripper wedged one end of the zucchini into my friend's mouth. She then commenced to ride it with the force of an enraged rhino until it finally exploded all over my good buddy's face. We laughed at him, called him an idiot and kicked him a couple times, for good measure, as he was blinded by chunks of mashed up zucchini and vaginal juices. Blammo! Jolly fun for one and all.

From that night forward, she was known as Vagina Monster.

I've often wondered if Vagina Monster was ever in need of service. In some special, kind-hearted, thoughtful way, I was almost worried about Vagina Monster. And then I would get over it, shift my weiner to the left and continue about on my life's many wonderful journeys.

* I can't really think of any more advantages of owning a vagina. I guess some womenfolk would consider the ability to have a baby with it as some sort of advantage, but I don't see it. I'm glad to have a penis so I don't have to go through all that nasty ol' pain, mess and fuss. A male friend o' mine told me he was in the delivery room when his wife agonizingly popped out a little human critter. I asked, sincerely, "So you witnessed the Miracle of Life, did ya?"

He said, "Miracle of Life? Miracle of Life? It was horrible... absolutely ghastly and disgusting. Oh, and the screaming and..."

I put my hand up. I had heard enough.

Sorry ladies, that you have a vagina. But you still have something to smile about because with your extraordinary vagina... Men will actually want to talk to you. Oh, the joy!

Vagina Disadvantages include:

* Vaginae usually smell like fish or iron or blood or a strange horror-movie type gash between the legs.

* Vaginae bleed for 7 days or more and women are usually experiencing some amount of discomfort and yet they do not die. I do not know whether to congratulate women on living through this every month or running away in fright because, well, let's face it, that's just so supernatural and stuff.

In closing, I would just like to state the obvious that there are advantages and disadvantages of having a veiny dingle or bearded clam. Hermaphrodites, of course, can go fuck themselves, literally. :)

Hey folks, I'm glad I could stop by and help educate and entertain you fine, sophisticated readers. I want to thank LilPixi for the golden opportunity of allowing me to guest host for this excellent, hilarious blog of hers, too. She has been a great and much valued friend for awhile now. I consider her to be a kindred spirit and blogging soulmate, as well. Always kind, supportive and ultra-creative! LilPixi, if you're reading this, (and I'm bettin' you are) I surely hope you are mending well and that you continue to delight and enchant us with future blog posts whenever you acquire the strength to come back to blogging. Take care, Kelly

You're Twisted Too. What's Your Damage?

Because if you didn't find any amusement in some kind of twisted humor, you probably wouldn't be following this blog. Well, today we're talking about a particular category of twisted humor - Accidental Humor.

Now, this has the potential to create some conflicting feedback due to the nature of some the accidental shit I'm about to elaborate on here, and you may find yourself saying "But pixi, there's nothing funny about wheelchair accidents."

Well, put aside all that sucks about it (and yes it does, and we know it does) & focus on funny (because there's funny in everything, there has to be), and yes there is something funny about it, just ask my mom (or your mom). That's mines favorite kind of humor.

In fact, I had to go through hell to find her an episode of "A Thousand Ways to Die" because I made the mistake of telling her somebody in a wheelchair rolled down a ramp smoking a cigarette with an oxygen tank & blew up. I think it made her year. But it worked out for both of us. She loves wheelchair accidents, I love explosions. True mother-daughter bonding time!


But don't tell me if you were sitting in front of your TV, with peripheral view of your picture window, and somebody fell out of a tree in your front yard & thumped on your lawn like a sack of potatoes, you wouldn't piss your pants. I know, or call the police.


But I'd like to argue that we all have some kind of Three Stooges type shit that just tickles our funny bone to tears. Those guys weren't so damn funny for their time for no good reason.

For some it may be explosions or stunts gone wrong. For others it may be people falling down stairs, or people being hit by cars (and obviously surviving unscathed, or you'd just be a sinister sicko, and there is a fine line)


As I've already given away my secret, we'll start with the first one.....

EXPLOSIONS! - How many times I rewound the video of the day some friends & I got together with some Warhead Launchers & Melons was disturbing, laughing till I cried every time. I don't know if I'll ever know what it is.

 

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EVERYTHING about explosions is funny. Cept' when they kill thousands of people, but remember this post is about flowers & funny. And a lil bit about explosive diarrhea as well.

Admittedly, as a youngster I never laughed at the clown, though I laughed at the pie in the face simply because it made a BAM sound & basically exploded in the scary fucking clown's face.

But if you wanted to see a child such as me amused (or laughing like a crazy hyena) for hours, you would have given me a toy like this.

 True story.

 And that's how kids grow up to be terrorists, folks.

Aaand now I just totally gave myself away.

(Can you say that on the Internet? Should I lock my doors?)

Anywho, next up.....

FALLING! - You people are fuckin' sick. But hey, like I said, I'm not gonna judge. Something about it strikes you as inexplicably funny as explosions do for me. Okay, and A LOT of times it's funnier than fuckin' HELL. Or funny as all hell. I don't wtf's ever been funny about hell.

It's just that being that I'm 28 yet on some days feel like a f-ing 80 year old with osteoarthritis (& a medical buff, always have to be the one to take care of every dumb ass mofo), I'm just afraid of falling, and particularly that my life will end on a staircase. No, I'm not clumsy in bed. Just frail, okay.

Look at him GO!

(Now, sadly, as traumatic & gruesome it would be & the years of therapy it would take to heal, if his head were like that of a watermelon & exploded all over the stairs, I'd maybe pee my pants a lil. Strictly from explosive impact, which is highly unlikely)

Now tell me you've seen a grown man purposely sled down the stairs, but unintentionally get up to speeds of 90mph as you swore smoke bellowed from his asshole, because I know that was the closest I ever truly came to peeing my pants in my adult years.

I talk a lot about peeing my pants, huh. Great expression. Is it awkward for you?

Now you should know that it wasn't exactly the stunt itself that triggered the response (nor the magic mushrooms that night), but the fact that his head smacked. every. step on the way down. Oh LORDY!!

Keep it together my ass.

Or it's like watching your girlfriend fly sideways through the air like a human Frisbee with wings, off of a skateboard, and classic belly flop out onto the middle of the street as her board flies through the air in the opposite direction, heading for the window of a nearby truck.

And you know she's probably really hurt, but you're still falling apart on the sidewalk, unable to even catch your breath or move because WTF was THAT?!

We're all going to hell, but it sounds like a fun place, doesn't it.

Onward....

MOBILE ACCIDENTS - And not necessarily limited to automobiles, but mobility of many kinds; Go-Karts, flying saucers, roller skates.

This shit is pure gold, and we all fucking know it. 

Now I recall getting run over by a sled & being in an eye patch like a sad pirate for three weeks, but according to Google this is more common on a sled/saucer/what have you...

Turkey's Done!

OH! You're fucked.

What is it that we all love so much about that helpless forward stumbling motion of a dip shit falling on roller skates.

Though, oddly enough, I had one hell of a time finding pics of dip shits falling forward on roller skates, so I had to go with drunken roller slut seeing it was much more pleasant than the monsters of the roller derby. (I think I just came up with a good 2012 calendar)

Or why is it always the smaller the vehicle, the funnier the crash.

BOUNCE, you rolling lil sausage! Watch your vertebrae. It's all fun & games till someone gets a metal plate & a Percocet addiction.

 

And for another old favorite....

THE WALL/OBJECT CRASH - IMPACT (Which kind of goes hand & hand with all the above)

People driving into & through things, or people themselves hitting or going through walls, etc...

He's a person too, man, and he will fuck you UP!

 More of that BANG that tickles me so much. My whole life I've been crashing into things for entertainment purposes, whether it be on sleds, Rollerblades, bikes, skateboards, jumping over fences, yes, even throwing myself down stairs to make people laugh as a wee wee one.

Sure I was a normal child. Out of all my 10,000 nicknames over the years, lil crash cup was a classic. I was going for more of a stunt girl thing, but whatever.

There's got to be some I'm missing, I'm sure. I called my mother with this subject earlier just cause I knew it would make her day & her comments were endless, even getting into hot air balloon accidents.

I think I covered I the basics. What does it to you?
Unless you've never laughed at an accident in your life. In which case you should probably stop reading & join a convent.

Cuz I heart explosions. <3