The Advantages and Disadvantages of Penises and Vaginae

From LilPixi, herself...

It's been a long & winding road between surgeries, hospital stays & at home recoveries, and to say I miss being in the swing of blogging & all of you is a major understatement, and I feel it is unfair to just let this blog sit here & collect dust in the meantime. Fortunately, I have some wonderful friends in the blogosphere who have been more than willing & eager to present a guest post for ya'll while I take my time recovering all woe is me & shit, and today I am ecstatic to announce that we'll all be enjoying a guest post from someone in the blogosphere I consider it such an honor to have a guest post done by.

When it comes to the blogging world, Kelly is like my next of kin, so I am beyond thrilled that he'll be gracing us with such an awesome & humorous guest post today, and if you've yet to visit & follow his outstanding blog of epic proportions, Psycho Carnival make sure to pay him a visit afterwards, or the voices of a thousand souls will haunt you in your sleep eternally (A bit much? I think not.) I fucking love this blogger!! My blogging soulmate to say the least. So pop some popcorn & sit back because you're sure to enjoy this ride. Take it away, Kelly.......

THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF PENISES AND VAGINAE

presented to you by your friendly neighborhood guest poster, Kelly... which would be me... you see, oh-so-modestly

As most of you know, some of us (menfolk) own a penis.

Still, there are others (womenfolk) who have a vagina.

And a few of us have both (hermaphrodites).

Today, we shall discuss the advantages and disadvantages of having either a penis or a vagina.

Penis Advantages include:

* The comfort and anatomical ability of being able to piss against a wall, a urinal, face of a homeless retard, behind a friend, over the railing of a bridge or overpass so that it splatters on the cars below or just about anywhere you can fling your ding-a-ling out. Pretty nifty, eh?

* Penises can also be used to put on amusing and interesting puppet shows. (see below)

* And let's say your hands and arms are full of groceries. That handy dandy penis of yours can be used to ring the doorbell to alert your significant other that you're home and in need of assistance with your bags of goodies- or to simply let them know you want them to open the fucking door! Of course, your penis should probably be erect (try stroking it, vigorously) before attempting this and you should be sure the ringer is at the appropriate height or you will probably be shit out of luck. Unless you're that guy, in the above picture. I don't think he'll have any trouble.

Penis Disadvantages Include:

* Let's face it, guys. Penises are stupid looking. The darn thing looks like a deformed sausage link or some variety of mushroom.

* Penises can be quite cumbersome, difficult to handle and will, at times, prove awkward in public places. Guys are usually tugging at their crotches because their one eyed trouser snake almost constantly needs to be shifted here and there in order to avoid discomfort. Women may show their pity upon poor men by offering them a kindly slob job in order to deflate the penis and make it that much more manageable. Everyone wins then! Peace of mind for the menfolk. Protein shake for the womenfolk.

* And, goodness gracious... Who knows when that rascal will become blood-engorged and ready to spew it's whitish vomit on some unsuspecting bed sheet in the middle of the night? I'm talking, of course, about wet dreams. Oh, the horror.

* Bonus boner fact- Horst Schultz achieved a stream of 18 ft 9 in (6 m) with a ‘substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph. Schultz is Penis Spurting Champion of The Universe! Imagine that!

Moving onward...

Vagina Advantages Include:

* Vaginae can be used for extra storage space. I once went to a bachelor party where a stripper did magic tricks with her pussy. The following is not a joke: The skinny blonde haired stripper put a dozen hard boiled eggs into her fleshy storage unit and like a chicken, went to each guy (there was thirty of us, sitting on couches and chairs) and carefully laid an egg from her twat into our frosty mugs of beer. She continued the show by inserting an entire 12 oz. bottle of Budweiser in her mystery hole, along with a bullwhip (don't ask), and a 14 inch zucchini.

Here's the funny part about the zucchini... The stripper had a friend of mine lay on his back on the hardwood floor. The stripper wedged one end of the zucchini into my friend's mouth. She then commenced to ride it with the force of an enraged rhino until it finally exploded all over my good buddy's face. We laughed at him, called him an idiot and kicked him a couple times, for good measure, as he was blinded by chunks of mashed up zucchini and vaginal juices. Blammo! Jolly fun for one and all.

From that night forward, she was known as Vagina Monster.

I've often wondered if Vagina Monster was ever in need of service. In some special, kind-hearted, thoughtful way, I was almost worried about Vagina Monster. And then I would get over it, shift my weiner to the left and continue about on my life's many wonderful journeys.

* I can't really think of any more advantages of owning a vagina. I guess some womenfolk would consider the ability to have a baby with it as some sort of advantage, but I don't see it. I'm glad to have a penis so I don't have to go through all that nasty ol' pain, mess and fuss. A male friend o' mine told me he was in the delivery room when his wife agonizingly popped out a little human critter. I asked, sincerely, "So you witnessed the Miracle of Life, did ya?"

He said, "Miracle of Life? Miracle of Life? It was horrible... absolutely ghastly and disgusting. Oh, and the screaming and..."

I put my hand up. I had heard enough.

Sorry ladies, that you have a vagina. But you still have something to smile about because with your extraordinary vagina... Men will actually want to talk to you. Oh, the joy!

Vagina Disadvantages include:

* Vaginae usually smell like fish or iron or blood or a strange horror-movie type gash between the legs.

* Vaginae bleed for 7 days or more and women are usually experiencing some amount of discomfort and yet they do not die. I do not know whether to congratulate women on living through this every month or running away in fright because, well, let's face it, that's just so supernatural and stuff.

In closing, I would just like to state the obvious that there are advantages and disadvantages of having a veiny dingle or bearded clam. Hermaphrodites, of course, can go fuck themselves, literally. :)

Hey folks, I'm glad I could stop by and help educate and entertain you fine, sophisticated readers. I want to thank LilPixi for the golden opportunity of allowing me to guest host for this excellent, hilarious blog of hers, too. She has been a great and much valued friend for awhile now. I consider her to be a kindred spirit and blogging soulmate, as well. Always kind, supportive and ultra-creative! LilPixi, if you're reading this, (and I'm bettin' you are) I surely hope you are mending well and that you continue to delight and enchant us with future blog posts whenever you acquire the strength to come back to blogging. Take care, Kelly

Irrational Fears, the Post

I know I seem odd to some for my fear of balloons, but honestly, things could be weirder.

I have a fear of balloons because they can be dangerous & I have 10 million mini heart attacks in that moment one of those things pops. I'll be sure to attend no birthday parties if I live to be 80-90. Death by balloons? Nio thank you.

(My mother used to fear balloons & dogs & she once babysat for these kids that kept sending their violent lil Chihuahua to chase her around the table while they popped balloons all over the place. Needless to say she ran home crying.)

However, Billy's reference towards balloon tits & penises in his last comment did remind me that I do love balloon animals. Maybe their likeliness to pop a whole lot less has something to do with it too.

(In honor of Billy. Obviously someone out there knows what a fun time is. Mr. Happy is the perfect gift for your neighbor's doorstep. Puts a whole new spin on ding dong ditch.)

Who ISN'T going to love making silly or angry balloon penises?

According to our almighty lord, Google, this is the true definition of balloon penis....

I added the Groucho glasses. His bush was a lil offensive in the first place.

Though I did not intend for this to turn into a post about penises & balloon games, so moving on already.....

This balloon thing is about to get a lot less weird.

I know people who fear giraffes, marshmallows, butterflies, pennies.

(And I LOVE them for making me feel a whole lot less crazy.)

Thankfully, some of these fears seem to have much validation, so I guess it's good that I know a lil more than just a bunch of mentally insane people.

"The Giraffe Ate My Jacket"

(A tale of zoo animals, Finkelstein shit kids, and terror)

My best friend growing up, Kerri (A.K.A. Karl Malone), was a lil bastard of a kid. She would run her mouth, taunt things, always do stupid shit for a laugh, and from about the age of 6-10 Kerri had a mushroom cut to boot. She was a lil terror with a bad ass (but funny) haircut & a bad attitude.

One day Karl was at the zoo, standing outside the giraffe exhibit, totally leaving out the fact that she was probably taunting the shit out of this animal. I can hear it now "Haha, longy long neck, ugly ass giraffe, you want a piece of me?!"

Well, I guess before Kerri knew it this giraffe had her by the jacket, literally eating it off her body as this giant ass animal is slamming the lil bastard against the fence that stood between them, floppy mushroom cut n' all.

Kerri had managed to slip out of the jacket just in time but was left scarred for life.

And considering I had now idea about the normal behaviors of these things until now, I would be too.

Horny, Hungry Giraffes Gone Wild.

Luckily for her the chances of being sexually assaulted by the giraffe were probably slim considering that according to Sodahead, 50% of all male giraffes are homosexual.

Turns out he probably just wanted her jacket for his village people shindig.
(I bet you that horses name is Ralph.)

Unfortunately, I have no explanations for the marshmallows, butterflies, pennies, and other things people have personally told me they are afraid of.

So here's where we turn the rest of the work over to the phobia list. Take it away, lunatics....

phobialist.com

Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic.

Anthrophobia or Anthophobia- Fear of flowers.

Log dude isn't half as frightening as flying placenta guy. I can take that asshole in the middle, but happy, flying placenta is just too fucking creepy.

Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.

Apeirophobia- Fear of infinity.

Apotemnophobia- Fear of persons with amputations.

"Dicks."

Aulophobia- Fear of flutes.

Consecotaleophobia- Fear of chopsticks.

Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news.

Geniophobia- Fear of chins.

Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises.

So, what are you afraid of - Cake, nipples, maybe this post?

(I fear tighty whities as well. I can deal with them if I have to but they're f'n scary. I'm sorry.)

7 Facts (Or "Confessions" Because It's Just A Juicier Word)

So, I've been tagged by the lovely Marty of The Many Faces of Me for 7 Facts.

I just recently started following her & think she is awesome, so you should go check her out!

The rules are as follows......

* Copy and paste this award to your blog
* Thank and link to the person that tagged you with it. 
* List 7 facts about yourself
* Give the award to 5 other bloggers and tell them they have it.

I know I've started a new habit of receiving awards & passing them on under my F'n Flair page rather than in a post, but I am trying to get my readers & others to know a lil more about me, as well as posting a lil more often, and it is an easier way of passing it on.

So, let the horror games begin.

1. I am shit scared of the dark, ghosts, and balloons.

2. I'm an adrenaline junkie & into X-treme sports. I've had my fair share of skateboarding friends, and I'm the only person I/they know who can ride a skateboard goofy foot (Meaning I always put my right foot on the board first & push with my left. It takes skateboarders ages to master this, yet I can't skate the normal way), and barefoot.

3. I grew up on boats. When I was a tot my grandparents lived on a houseboat & then owned a marina in the Florida Keys, and every summer weekend back home my immediate family & I would spend the whole time on our cabin cruiser (even sleeping). We would get up on the water with the sunrise & go everywhere by boat. I was actually surprised when I learned you could even get to some of those places by car about 20 years later.

4.  Supposedly the average man thinks about sex every seven seconds. I think I got em' beat.

(I'm the furthest thing from whorey, though. I call it monogamously slutty.)

5. I haven't slept a night in over 2-3 years without my stuffed monkey

6. I took piano lessons for a few years, then went on to teach myself guitar for about 6 more, and there's not much I can't learn/play on that thing. (Now I got stars in my eyes for the drums.) I'm a music FANATIC.

7. My hobbies are nearly endless from clothes making to baking to gardening to decorating, and an ongoing list of crafting & designing whatever I can. And those are just some of my at home hobbies. I love to be out & about just as much. The list is way too long.

My Tagged Five

(Should they choose to accept)

Kelly from Psycho Carnival

Thundercat832 from Colorful Rants of A Fed Up Sista

Israel Carrasco of Israel Carrasco Monologue Jokes

Lynnora from Thoughts of A Randomista

Jenny from My Life As Jenny

What About Bob? What About ME...

Amongst the many things that have lately been spiraling out of control for me, such as my funk in blogging from being overwhelmed by all that's been going on and in my mind, my classic obsessive-compulsive germaphobia has started to reach very possibly ludicrous new heights........

I knew in the back of my mind I was up shit's creek without a paddle, or perhaps a blow torch (Even though I convince myself I'm just being smart & not insane in these situations), when just a few months ago I got stuck, trapped if you will............in a bathroom.

See, the trouble is the average person sees this.......

Grab it & go, right? Go handle your burrito, or your Johnson & then your burrito. Maybe some dingleberries & chips, no worries.

I see something kind of like this......

Exactly like this, actually. The doorknob has sharp teeth, dripping with germ goo & out to kill me fuckin' dead! And it's threatening me - "I gotcha, bitch!"

Shit. Balls.

I was CORNERED, paralyzed & terrorized by a DOORKNOB.
No paper towels to grab it with, so I'm standing there observing it from afar like a Rubik's cube or gigantic Geometry problem, but slobbering with fangs, and dripping with a flesh eating fungus.

W.T.F!!


I think most people would remember Bob Wiley...

Bill Murray looks so much like my inner child when my parents told me I wasn't circus material in this picture. Though he needs a banjo & a hobo stick.

He has a panic attack getting onto an elevator, and eventually annoys his shrink so much, he takes him out to the woods & straps a bunch of dynamite to his crazy ass. I know, who hasn't seen that scenario played out? That's why I'm trying to address this now.

The hand washing (now complete with laundry obsessive-compulsion too), the hand sanitizer, the looks in public - "Is she hosing down with lube?"
(Lube shower's on Saturdays, sister. Get with the program. It's like the naked bobsled run....minus the bobsled)

The scare tactics. They scare even me - "Think about this............ Some dude with his hand in his butt crack, or H1N1, coughed & breathed all into his hand, put his hands all over that menu & now you are too, and are gonna eat a burrito!?!!",*Smiles & looks like a walking ad for Purell*

This stuff is as good as holy water, people. It'll cleanse you, rid you of demons, and burn the shit out of a vampire's face! Goes great with cheap, stale bread.

No, wait, that's the wine. I mean, the blood. You know it's really blood right? Maybe I should save that story of magic, tragedy, and leprechauns for another post.

On a side note, I'm actually pretty sure you could kill a leprechaun with Purell.

And luckily, I know better than to put a flame too close to my hands from the time I came so close to lighting them on fire & smoking them. Acid was a wild ride, man.

If anyone ever sees or receives an award for falling off topic, I want ya'll to remember me.

Let's jump back on the crazy horse.

Germaphobia - "Smart thinking", or "Somebody call the doctor".

Maybe time will tell, and I'll be all like "I told you so", in my Hazmat suit, standing in the corner eating an apple all annoying like.

(Don't ask how I'd get the apple under the face shield. This is my vision. Don't ask me those f-ed up questions.)