I know I seem odd to some for my fear of balloons, but honestly, things could be weirder.
I have a fear of balloons because they can be dangerous & I have 10 million mini heart attacks in that moment one of those things pops. I'll be sure to attend no birthday parties if I live to be 80-90. Death by balloons? Nio thank you.
(My mother used to fear balloons & dogs & she once babysat for these kids that kept sending their violent lil Chihuahua to chase her around the table while they popped balloons all over the place. Needless to say she ran home crying.)
However, Billy's reference towards balloon tits & penises in his last comment did remind me that I do love balloon animals. Maybe their likeliness to pop a whole lot less has something to do with it too.
(In honor of Billy. Obviously someone out there knows what a fun time is. Mr. Happy is the perfect gift for your neighbor's doorstep. Puts a whole new spin on ding dong ditch.)
 |
| Who ISN'T going to love making silly or angry balloon penises? |
According to our almighty lord, Google, this is the true definition of balloon penis....
 |
| I added the Groucho glasses. His bush was a lil offensive in the first place. |
Though I did not intend for this to turn into a post about penises & balloon games, so moving on already.....
This balloon thing is about to get a lot less weird.
I know people who fear giraffes, marshmallows, butterflies, pennies.
(And I LOVE them for making me feel a whole lot less crazy.)
Thankfully, some of these fears seem to have much validation, so I guess it's good that I know a lil more than just a bunch of mentally insane people.
"The Giraffe Ate My Jacket"
(A tale of zoo animals, Finkelstein shit kids, and terror)
My best friend growing up, Kerri (A.K.A. Karl Malone), was a lil bastard of a kid. She would run her mouth, taunt things, always do stupid shit for a laugh, and from about the age of 6-10 Kerri had a mushroom cut to boot. She was a lil terror with a bad ass (but funny) haircut & a bad attitude.
One day Karl was at the zoo, standing outside the giraffe exhibit, totally leaving out the fact that she was probably taunting the shit out of this animal. I can hear it now "Haha, longy long neck, ugly ass giraffe, you want a piece of me?!"
Well, I guess before Kerri knew it this giraffe had her by the jacket, literally eating it off her body as this giant ass animal is slamming the lil bastard against the fence that stood between them, floppy mushroom cut n' all.
Kerri had managed to slip out of the jacket just in time but was left scarred for life.
And considering I had now idea about the normal behaviors of these things until now, I would be too.
| Horny, Hungry Giraffes Gone Wild. |
Luckily for her the chances of being sexually assaulted by the giraffe were probably slim considering that according to Sodahead, 50% of all male giraffes are homosexual.
 |
| Turns out he probably just wanted her jacket for his village people shindig. (I bet you that horses name is Ralph.) |
Unfortunately, I have no explanations for the marshmallows, butterflies, pennies, and other things people have personally told me they are afraid of.
So here's where we turn the rest of the work over to the phobia list. Take it away, lunatics....
Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic.
 |
| Log dude isn't half as frightening as flying placenta guy. I can take that asshole in the middle, but happy, flying placenta is just too fucking creepy. |
 |
| "Dicks." |
Aulophobia- Fear of flutes.
Consecotaleophobia- Fear of chopsticks.
Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news.
Geniophobia- Fear of chins.
So, what are you afraid of - Cake, nipples, maybe this post?
(I fear tighty whities as well. I can deal with them if I have to but they're f'n scary. I'm sorry.)
See? You start out with a little post about a penis and it just gets bigger and BIGGER until it bursts like a balloon!
ReplyDeleteMy fear? Robots.
Yeah, my posts seem to take that route often (not always talking about penises of course). Haha.
ReplyDeleteOoh, good one!!
Robots definitely scare me.
Kerrie might have gotten a little payback for being a brat but it could have gone worse. She could have gotten sexually assaulted by Longy Long Neck, The Partially Homosexual Giraffe. That would probably have sucked. I've heard of dolphins raping people, too. Imagine getting boned by Flipper The Overly Friendly Porpoise.
ReplyDeleteDamned funny post. I like how your mind easily jumps from one topic to another.
You asked what our fears are so here goes:
Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises (Good thing I take Valium or I'd be shitting my pants and having strokes all the time in public).
Melissophobia- Fear of bees (I'm allergic to bees and got stung on the throat once and almost died- no shit).
Tomophobia- Fear of surgical operations. (Again, I almost died. It was during my last hernia operation so now I'm afraid of going under the knife again).
Soteriophobia - Fear of dependence on others. (I think most self-respecting people have this fear).
The greatest fear, not listed I believe, would have to be losing one's spouse. After I lost mom, half of me hit the bottom for a lot of reasons. If my wife goes before I do, I don't think I'll be around much longer. Not because I'd do anything stupid, but just because the grief would overwhelm my sorry ass. Damn, I'm cheery, aren't I? Sorry. Take care, LilPixi.
Nothing to be sorry about. I agree with that 110%. I'm the SAME exact way. Even in my last relationship of over a decade, my fears of that were almost irrational because I thought about & feared it daily. "What if something happens to him? I'll die. I'll never make it from the heart ache." Worst thought ever. (I considered us married. We were convinced we would be.)
ReplyDeleteI have a TERRIBLE fear of bees. The one thing that can make me run indoors in the summertime.
I can understand the fear of loud noises completely. It's just that every time I see those words I think of Brick Tamland screaming, so I had to utilize that opportunity.
Very valid fears. A relief you're not afraid of things like paper plates & yo yos.
I can see it now, I would instinctively attempt to masturbate with the cock-balloon, but once it popped, I think I would immediately become a lesbian! No more cock for me after that! I HATE BALLOONS!!
ReplyDelete.....hellloooooo....Gnomophobia: The fear of Garden Gnomes! :):)
ReplyDeleteFalen - Rolmfao. Now that's some freaky clown sex, even if solo when cock balloons with faces are exploding all over the room.
ReplyDeleteJenny - It's too hilarious. Oh, it's great though. lol. I hope you don't wanna throw a gnome at me for saying that.
Maybe a fear of itinerant moyls. Hrmph...
ReplyDeleteHow scary would that be if they were standing over your bed when you woke up?
ReplyDeleteFirst, I just found you (thx thundercat) and I am instantly in love with your blog. I'm going to be spending a LOT of time this weekend digging deeper and laughing my ass off.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I want to make Flying Placenta Guy my mascot. Do you think he would look good in a cape and batman-esque mask?
Thank you so much, LII, what a compliment. Welcome!
ReplyDeleteI checked out your blog and I'm following back as well. I'm going to read up this weekend.
As far as flying placenta guy - I think that's brilliant!! I now actually think he *requires & mask & cape or it won't be right.
Hi, new blog reader here. I love your rudeness and crudeness. I wish I had the courage to speak my mind like you! I recently began my own blog. Would love a visit! I am also posting a link to your blog on mine, I love it here that much!
ReplyDeletehttp://hereishappy.blogspot.com/
Hi, T! Glad you found me & like the site so much.
ReplyDeleteHow cool, thank you for linking to my blog as well.
I just made it over to your blog and am now following. It's lovely! Thank you for all the kind words!
Girl, it's like a damn train wreck these horder shows....We watch the animal one too...ONLY when I feel I can stomach it!
ReplyDeleteLOL Gnomephobia...Jenny you are too much.
I am a great believer in ”there is nothing to fear except fear itself“ which I believe is called Phobophobia
ReplyDeleteWhich is better than panophobia, which is not a fear of cooking utensils (now that would be a great one for a chef to suffer from) but a fear of everything…
Autophobia would be a good one as well, no not the fear of cars but the fear of yourself. I’m not sure how you would live with that unless you had a fear of suicide but I could not find a phobia name for that – It’s a shame as that probably holds the secret of perpetual motion… I hate myself I must end it all….I can’t I hate suicide…but I hate myself I must end it all etc…etc
Marty, I want to catch the animal one. I hope it doesn't make me sad. I have to admit, though, I have fallen victim to getting sucked into those shows. Hoarders is like an epidemic.
ReplyDeleteBlackLOG, psyched you found me & that I found my way to your blog as well.
Getting all technical & philosophical on me. I like it! There were some interesting names & things on the phobia list.
Okay, I've stared at that giraffe on donkey photo for five minutes now and I'm trying to figure out how in the world did the giraffe get that low!!!??? Talk about "where there's a will, there's a way!"
ReplyDeleteAnyhoo, I don't fear much other than the usual suspect: snakes. Anything that doesn't have legs and moves that swiftly isn't right.
BTW, do they make vagina balloons?
I guess giraffes are more freaky deaky than we knew. lol
ReplyDeleteOh, forget snakes!! MUTHAFUCKIN' SNAKES!! (You just have to. That movie was epic funny)
I'd sure hope so. You can't make a penis balloon without a vagina balloon, that's what I say.
I didn't read this I only looked at the pictures. Those had me crying laughing before I could make my brain work to read. HAHAHA
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I stole your button, on my button love page. You're welcome love <3
Aww, thank you so much, mama!! <3
ReplyDeleteTell me you have a button I can give some love to too. I'm gonna go check.