Because it's that time of year again. You know the one, when that drunk, naked lil shit with wings comes around with his bow & arrows, attempting to shoot you in the chest, resulting in a massive coronary.
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| "Teehee." Omg, aren't you f-ing hilarious you naked lil asshole... |
Naked, flying, unstable dude with an arsenal of weapons, and this is supposed to be the day of love.
Sounds way more like a domestic violence call, to be followed up with quite the intervention.
Sounds way more like a domestic violence call, to be followed up with quite the intervention.
If you're single with Valentine's Day coming up, forget all that romantic sorrow bullshit that will happen for you when the time is right (the romance, not the sorrow), and use this bubbly, heart filled holiday to display your love & appreciation towards other types in your life.
If every single mofo gifts another single mofo; friend or family member, dog, lizard, nobody will feel half as bad & focus on wtf wasn't done for them for this day of hormonal drama & inner turmoil.
Also, who isn't all tickled by the thought of having a secret admirer?
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| Wrong holiday altogether, huh? |
Plus, he'll already be there when he calls, so he's steps ahead of most other men.
Maybe this is where the title becomes relevant.
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| Good for you. You're probably going to die. |
Look, I'm happy just painting hearts on cookies in my kitchen & shit, and receiving some cinnamon hearts from dear mom. I've had plenty of Valentine's Days, some great & everything you could ever want, some terrible, whether spent hanging naked out of a hotel window with a bottle of champagne in hand or tossing pennies into a Chinese restaurant fountain, wishing your date would disappear, snowed in having sex for a week straight in front of a fireplace, or on a couch all day not speaking a word like a 90 year old couple.
So forget all that shit we're programmed to feel & take this day to celebrate the love you have for a parent or your kids, friends, pets, blow up dolls, butterflies & cucumbers, what have you.
Or you could just beat the shit out of yourself sexually & take you out to dinner.
Hint to self: My favorite is Mexican.
Just don't propose this to the dog or your mom.
Save that freaky sex shit for the Internet, or just write me a rain check.
Just don't propose this to the dog or your mom.
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Whether you have it in your life romantically or not, you've got to love that thing called love, and pay tribute to the power of it. Fucking. magic.
*Poof*
(I totally just blinded you with lube.)
That dead chick with the duct tape is totally freaking me out.
Oh that cupid is one hilarious bastard. I'd like to shove each and every one of those arrows up his box of chocolates until he squeals like a little pig with wings.
ReplyDeleteThis post is a great and very humorous commentary and rant on the expectations of society. Personally, I was always freaked out a little by "secret admirers" when they'd send me a card. If I couldn't figure out where it was coming from, I'd break out in a sweat, wondering if it was the hygienically-challenged school janitor.
You're right on with saying people should celebrate V-Day the way they want. Screw the tired routines and hoops society and the media wants us to jump through with these "important" calendar days. LOVE, like you say in so many words, is "where it's really at, baby."
Well, I'm off to hang naked out of a hotel room, in my harness, while throwing pennies at my blow up doll below. That's how I celebrate V-Day. Have a very nice, perfectly suitable for you kind of Valentine's Day! :-O
I fucking HATE Valentine's Day, and I haven't been single for almost 20 years.
ReplyDeleteI swear your comments are better than my posts. Haha! That last vision is worth a million words.
ReplyDeleteYou know Janitor Bill? That's amazing. Just when I thought I was special. That guy gets around. Well, you know, he tries.
I guess you could say I have kind of a secret admirer, if you count some anonymous weirdo who sends pics of their junk to your email & in turn tries to coax you for pictures of your hoo-ha.
I can't believe I just said "hoo-ha"
And same to you, my friend. Same to you.
Love & Farts. <3
That's the spirit, Jill!
ReplyDeleteJust like I fucking hate the Stephen Stills song "Love the One You're With" & dunno why it influenced the title of this post.
Not only is it just a torturous song that's highly annoying, it's so fucking wrong!
Hell yeah I agree 100%. True love is expressed in every day things like being there for your family, friends, special people. I;m glad you reminded single people that it isn't about the corny shit you see on t.v. It's about loving those that deserve it.
ReplyDeleteAnd truer words have never been spoken!!
ReplyDeleteI love this... you totally have me cracking up lady!
ReplyDeleteValentines day...bah!! Fucking Hallmark holiday! In fact, my wife just said not more than 10 minutes ago to me "I hate Valentines Day!"... good girl...
ReplyDeleteI especially hated Valentines day when I was single too... Imagine me (as horrifying as it might be) sitting alone and naked in my room with a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps (which I drank straight!!), listening to Pink Floyd CDs, giving myself a Valentines day card, eating a hot dog, and then fapping it while looking at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue...
and that wasn't even JUST Valentines Day! Shittttttttt!!!
I just had to stop by and piss some love on your blog! Happy Valentine's Day sista! Love ya crazy ass to death! I'll kill anyone who fucks with you...that's love ;) xoxo
ReplyDeleteS.I.F. - I'm a lil untamed like that. *Blush*
ReplyDeleteOmg, Meatbag, you are right up there with the comments too. So classic!
Falen - Happy Valentine's Day, mama!! Every word right back atcha!! XOXO
Just found your blog and wanted to say hi...Valentine's Day, wtf ever dude...I did laundry and shampooed carpets all day, go figure.
ReplyDeleteHope to chat more.
First you take the butterfly, you tape the cucumber onto the blowup doll, a cat worrks best for this procedure..but a dog will do but it's best to use the tongue. Then you take the butterfly and carefully insert it into...ohhh my god..sorry got to go the butterfly is stuck..
ReplyDeleteHappy valentines day! How did you know about the cucumber, the butterfly, the blow-up doll and the pets... are you my secret admirer?
I could have dealt with a more productive day myself, Marty.
ReplyDeleteGreg - I'm psychic. Either that or the whole world's just gone mad.
I could be your secret admirer too. What color is your llama?
I Love this post.....I just stumbled across your blog (where the 'freak' have I been) thru Sandra at 'Absolutely Narcissism!' You're freakin' hilarious and I can't wait to get to know you better...I love to laugh, so I'm already addicted to your blog..........and I'll be hangin' out a lot more - be warned! :):)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Jenny! So glad you found me & vice versa.
ReplyDeleteThat's great to hear! =) Just went over & checked out your blog. I love it and am now following.
I got nothing for Valentines Day but my dog did shit on the floor in the shape of a pretzel....does that count? I think she was trying to spell out "I love you" but ran out of crap.
ReplyDeletesmilES
lIbbY
It's always a pretzel OR the mustard isn't it?
ReplyDeleteWhy can't it be both? Okay, for the sake of those of us who have to clean it.
Chocolate covered pretzels. Sounds like a labor of love to me.