Awesome, It's Here.

 Now we can get on with Thanksgiving & Christmas for I.

I am a X-mas DORK of ALL dorks!! I disappear for two weeks just to decorate my house, another two to wrap gifts, look at lights, drink hot cocoa in the snow & every geeky X-mas thing in the book.

If I could walk around in funny elf shoes with jingle bells & a sexy Mrs. Claus costume, and f-ing ornaments in my hair, that would probably be the case.

(What nostalgia makes of us)

I'm not really too into creepy, scary scarecrow children of the corn shit.

Though, I am a crafty geek who enjoys the moods & projects that come with every holiday & season.

And Thanksgiving......

Well, annihilation by Turkey beats inebriation by Meat any day.

Though, it's also just an opportunity for the cybernetic ghost to come back dressed as a turkey, get shitfaced, eat taco pie, and continue his usual holiday rantings of history, terror & doom.

And I may need him this year.

Ya see, I have a list of people who fucked up my turkey day experience one way or another by making it nearly impossible for me to have my turkey dinner, a few years in a row. I got my eye on these people, and if they make any oddball requests of me this year or upset me, getting between me & the turkey, I will lock them in the car with Barry Manilow with the volume knob & doors super glued while I show up at the dining room table like a fn turkey paramedic to be the first one on the scene.

"He's not breathing, oh the humanity! LET'S EAT HIM!!"

Did I mention I love turkey dinner?

The song of the day.

 Rock out with your cock out & jam out with your clam out.

Everybody's Doing It (My Tale of Terror)

What the hell is scarier than a bunch of insane dead people harassing you from the afterlife, haunted insane asylums, and the horrifying thoughts of what people were put through locked up in these places, some of whom were really f-ed up in the first place, you know, really. Smart.

House on Haunted Hill, no thank you. Clean shorts are my thing. Who the fuck let me watch that?

Onward...

Known as Americas most feared & haunted asylum - The castle on the hill, the palace on the hill, the haunted castle.

(And about a 15-20 minute drive from me. Holy scary shitballs! because I'm such a proper lady. You can see this damn thing up on it's damn haunted hill from one of our malls. Uneasiness on a dreary day, I've experienced that.)

I remember going up the highway one night with a few friends in my car, wanting to get a closer look, as much as we could without leaving the car, and turning around on the highway from the feelings we got just being in the area, that we were seconds away from having those spires off in the distance within our view. We all nearly needed Pampers.

It was 1878 & the State Lunatic Hospital at Danvers, in an isolated rural area of Massachusetts, was erected under the means of housing more of the mentally ill than any facility in Massachusetts, possibly in the entire north east, maybe even in the U.S at that time, and to be the first in such a secluded & serene setting, believing this would greatly aid in the treatment of mental illness.

Said to be the birthplace of the pre-frontal lobotomy, the main building (shown here) was referred to as the Kirkbride building, containing towers on each side connecting it to each of its wings, in which the outermost were reserved for the most extreme patients.

Massiveness, you look so much tinier from this height & view.

"The buildings were connected by a confusing labyrinth of underground tunnels as many of the institutions for the developmentally delayed & mentally ill at the time were designed with tunnel systems to be self sufficient in the winter."

Because putting crazy & unstable people in a tunnel is always a great idea.

 (I won't post anymore interior photos simply because I cannot handle them, but if you do feel like shitting your pants, have a ball at http://www.danversstateinsaneasylum.com/home.html but know they leave out the disturbing details & facts here. Perhaps it's run by an evil villain who wants us all to get fucking haunted.)

"The original plan was designed to house 500 patients, with 100 more possible to accommodate in the attic. However, by the late 1930s and 1940s, over 2,000 patients were being housed, and overcrowding was severe. People were even held in the basements of the Kirkbride."

Reports were made that various, and inhumane shock therapies, lobotomies, hydrotherapy, drugs, and straight jackets were being used to keep the crowded hospital under control.

The few & far between houses of the other local residents were unnerved by the sounds of tortured & screaming patients.

If you were the product of either medical experiments gone awry, or simply outstayed your time on this earth while residing at the asylum, you ended up here...

As

A number in the system failed.

"In 1992, when the hospital closed, the National Guard helped by sending 80 ambulances to move the last of the patients to other facilities. Since then, the hospital has been a draw for other people, including dozens who have been arrested for trespassing on the abandoned hill."

In pop culture 

From Wikipedia

• The hospital was the setting for the 2001 horror film Session 9, where an asbestos clean-up crew comes to the hospital, and they find a series of nine tapes, which have recorded a patient with multiple personalities, all of them innocent, except for one.
• The asylum was also featured in the 1958 film Home Before Dark.
• In the game Painkiller, one of the levels, called Asylum, is based on the central administration section. While the outside is a faithful reproduction, the inside is not.
• The abandoned asylum was explored on the paranormal investigation–urban exploration series SCARED! in 2004 and again shortly before its demolition in 2006.
• The Danvers State Hospital is largely believed to have served as inspiration for the infamous Arkham sanatorium from H.P. Lovecraft's "The Thing on the Doorstep".

It had stood alone & decaying, boarded up, still peering over the city of Danvers, until a mysterious fire occurred in 2007.

I am liking this fire. Burn that haunted, creepy bitch to the ground!! *Popcorn & elf dancing*

I had heard about the following demolition & I was pretty excited for that place to be gone & done, laid to permanent rest with its history, esp. with all the terrifying stories of the local homes nearby.

Like the echoes they left behind was etched into a rock at the entrance of the cemetery for some Boos & shits & giggles.

So, with the crazier of those historical preservation zealots, they did next with the remains what any logical, haunted, BS historical city would do....

Luxury apartment seekers, welcome home! You wanna jump all over this shit while it's hot... 

You know, before the paranormal shit hits the fan.

LUXURY living (Like bringing The Shining back to life)

And look at the gorgeous, settling view from the pool.

I'd be running right over to Maggie's for that BBQ. Armed to the teeth, holy water & onions in hand. (Don't know why I said onions. Vampires hate garlic, so I figured maybe ghosts hate onions. I wonder what zombies hate. Gotta know these things & be prepared).

But you know what..... It all kind of comes together in the end.

These people are fucking insane, and they're living in an insane asylum. Possibly America's most haunted.

So it fits. It works for them doesn't it.

It's not so disturbing anymore knowing sections still stand, because they're totally gonna haunt these fuckers before they ever bother with me or you, am I wrong?

So, I know you're supposed to be shaking in your boots right now, with chills up your spine, maybe scared to walk to the bathroom, and my comical side kind of flew in & maybe f-ed that up for you.

But it turned comical for me that the people who reside there today are still completely effing insane.

So, this is my early Happy Halloween post to you. Don't eat too much candy, throw up too much liquor or molest too many bimbos walking around in slutty costumes waiting to be molested by lil dudes who are out to wreak havoc & molest bimbos in slutty costumes.

(I love slutty costumes. I'm just bitter from being attacked in one by an entire group of boys, being young & dumb, walking the streets like that on Halloween. Learned that lesson. Uh, who let me out like that & at that age as a French Maid with a trick or treat bag?)

More tales of crazy people.

Keep the kiddos safe, and away from insane asylums, and possibly creepy apartment complexes. No haunted & possessed chocolate in my house thank you.

I'll be......on mushrooms dancing with yarn in the woods in the moonlight?
My nickname is Tinkerbell. So, this was my attempt at finding a Halloween image with her in it. Nothing to do with the post at all, I know. 

How About A Mad-Lib Monday (On A Tuesday)...

Because whatever, and I came up with the idea too late in the day, and the sun isn't up yet, and I'm just a rule breaker.

(Or did I come up with this idea? You never know who's already thought up of something.)

So, I got home, did some for fun & these were the classic winners.


So, I started out emphasizing the words I chose & then I just came to the conclusion I'm too demented & that it looks way funnier if I actually don't emphasize, but rather if it's just read naturally.....

Personal Ad:

"I enjoy long, hairless walks on the beach, getting porked in the rain and serendipitous encounters with lizards. I really like piña coladas mixed with pee, and romantic, candle-lit sharks with laser beams. I am well-read from Dr. Seuss to Wayne Newton. I travel frequently, especially to burker king, when I am not busy with work. (I am a shoe shiner.) I am looking for cheese and beauty in the form of a Hungarian goddess. She should have the physique of Joan Rivers and the hot dog of Princess Peach. I would prefer if she knew how to cook, clean, and wash my shoes. I know I’m not very attractive in my picture, but it was taken 69 days ago, and I have since become more incoherent"

War:

"It was during the battle of sasquatch when I was running through a corn field when a dildo went off right next to my platoon. Our hooker yelled for us to ass-pound to the nearest trailer we could find. When we got to the trailer we farted to start a fire. As we were starting the fire the enemy saw the rhino from the fire and started honking sweater puppets at us. we all quickly ducked behind the chicken at the trailer and returned fire. we quickly eliminated the enemy and were FUBAR'd that we had won the battle."

Romeo & Juliet

"Two testicles, both alike in dignity,
In fair Hoboken, where we lay our scene,
From ancient shart break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross`d fish tacos take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their water balloon bury their parents` strife.
The fearful passage of their retarded love,
And the continuance of their parents` rage,
Which, but their children`s end, nought could smack,
Is now the 420 hours` traffic of our stage;
The which if you with smoked scrotum attend,
What here shall molest, our toil shall strive to mend."

                                                                                                       

 Okay, I have the humor of a strange child at times, but I get a damn kick out of these things, and yep, it had me laughing just like a child.

What Is Up the Ass of America? (Not What You Think)

Just ask E.R nurses; how I found out what's up the ass of Americans, and the anal um "issues" that some people seem to have. You come to the conclusion somethings up, and not only up their asses, but maybe not quite right upstairs - America has ANAL.ISSUES.

There are so many stories & cases, any of these freaks could be amongst our everyday lives, and I definitely say "to each his own", but some preferences are kind of unfathomable & uh, safety first?

Maybe that's why it wasn't a good idea for that guy who was in the E.R once a month with a foreign object lodged in his rectum to go ahead & add a handful of mercury thermometers to his anal arsenal, his "happy storage space" once the nurses backs were turned, because when the thermometers broke, it was the last bit of excitement he ever experienced.

Strangely enough, many hospitals have what they refer to as "frequent flyer's" who continuously show up in the E.R with different objects where the sun don't shine.

Thanks to some of the threads at AllNurses.Com, we have a good list of insanity to go down.

These are true claims from real E.R nurses.

• Budweiser bottle

• Endless varieties of shampoo bottles

• A jar of Grey Poupon (How in the hell?!) That one ended up with a colostomy.

• A Flashlight. And when the doctor inserted the speculum to take a look, his face lit up from the light inside.

•  A cell phone turned on vibrate

• A hairbrush, bristles first.

• A rumor of a guy with a coffee jar full of drawing pins & tacks.

• Eating utensils (Not too sure of the details on that one, don't wanna be)

• Small, furry animals (Not an urban legend, confirmed)

• The end of a curtain rod

• A broom stick handle

• A candlestick

• Fruits of all shapes & sizes

• Bouncy balls

• Curling iron

• Hair dryer

• Crack pipes

• A butter knife from a frat party gone bad

• Polish sausage (We have a....not. winner. Wtf!)

• "I tripped & fell on a" - lamp post, wine bottle, shampoo, and a roll of paper towels.

• Endless vibrators still running when the patient comes in. They went just a lil too far, if you know what I mean.

• A small pistol (Good times if that shits loaded & goes off - YAHOO!)

• Potatoes, sprouted potatoes (Not a myth, confirmed) - "Every time I read one of these I wonder if the pt ever stopped to think that in order to have the potato lodged in his rectum from falling on it in the garden, he would most likely be naked. If he was wearing clothes, the pants would have prevented the potato from lodging in his rectum.

          Unless he was wearing a dress..."

 - "I can just see that 40 y/o biker type guy gardening commando in a sundress..."

• One of those water floaty noodles, the entire thing, all 4 ft. compacted into his rectum & descending colon. (I had no idea of the possibilities, really)

• Remote control

• Mayonnaise jar (Takes the taco from the mustard jar)

• Man with a rectal cucumber

• An orange 

• "An Eggplant in the Rectum!!  He went to surgery for removal!! I've never looked at an eggplant the same!!"  

• A bottle of Brut cologne

Oddly enough, this list is just virtually endless. It would literally never end....

And some of these medical professionals it simply does not phase, and they get the entertainment of their life out of it, so there is a tidbit of an upside to this in a fn' strange, strange world.

"Anal" Americans, I salute you. Just definitely not with a flag up my ass.

The next time I'm sitting on a park bench or something along those lines, in some heavily populated area, I'll try to be more conscious of my surroundings, and wonder what could be lurking up the asses of the people around me.

The Struggle With Life Choices

 On another more serious note...

This post would get way too long, blah & tiring if I went into great detail & branched off in every different direction for my reasoning, but there are choices I struggle with badly at times....

My natural-born inclination to be a part of the medical field for example here...

 

I have talked, walked & permeated the part since being a 5 year old in a lab coat playing with anatomy & pharmacology books, needing to learn everything there is to know. My friends & family call me "doctor" & come to me for all medical advice. I get frustrated & tell them to actually go see a real doctor after so much questioning.

But it is interesting for me to think about......

I'm into too many different things & this is another issue.

I'm a Biology nerd & I'd be happy as something along the lines of an environmental engineer or horticulturalist as well. 

Something from home is ultimately the most ideal for this lifestyle.

The medical issues I struggle with myself do not make it easier.

On another note, if you plan to become one of the people who would like to conclude that I am eligible to give proper medical advice, feel free to call: 1-800-555-GetYourselfALawyerDoctor.

The number won't work & there's nobody there to answer, but that's what you get for being within the mind frame that someone in a back alley with a hacksaw is suited to perform surgery on you.

Being a Hypocrite on Random Shit Tuesday

But maybe we can turn something kind of blah, but that can be cool, into something a lil more interesting. 

Courtesy of McGriddle Pants

I gave in. I snagged a pumpkin off our porch & went the carving knives.

Not only that, I went & got some cookie cutters for "spooky cookies"

When insanity calls the shots, and Fall creeps up behind you & strangles you, forcing you to celebrate it, maybe out of the f-ing boredom of the seasons of doom & gloom.

And if I really wanted to be effective in creeping people out with cookies, they'd be better off decorated like so...

Not much creeps me out like Liza fucking Minnelli.

As far as the whole pumpkin thing goes, I need a lot of em', so I can really do pumpkins my way...

Sometimes you learn some interesting new things in a Google search.

Also, I think it's time for the urban dictionary to get with the program & add my term "Cuntpumpkin". I'm very proud of it.

And I take it these poor bastards didn't know what to carve.

Though, 10 points for being determined to make it interesting...

This is just fn' wrong. He's causing a scene out there on the front lawn.

Watermelon Woman's gonna call the cops on your coke-raging pumpkin ass.

I think I just completely fucked up random shit Tuesday by not being so random, considering I had mentioned the pumpkin thing in my last post. But the 360 I've taken on it is random enough for me.

My ass is planted here at least for the rest of this month. Might as well give in.

Dicken's Cider (that time of year again)

http://new.wavlist.com/humor/001/dickens.wav

"A Dicken Cider may not keep the Doctor away, but it will make him happy.
Get the 10oz. Dicken Cider Mug for your Hot Dicken Cider.
Better Yet get the Dicken Cider Stein.. when size really does matter."

 http://www.hotdickencider.com/

Now if someone could just somehow come up with something similar for cider donuts holes, they would truly be a match made in heaven. Donut hole is just fun to say anyway. Almost offensive, and that's fun. I'd use it - "Fuck off, donut hole." Not quite dill hole but close enough, better, with frosting & sprinkles.

Doughnuts? Not even gonna get into that.

But anyway, I raise my Dicken Cider to you & wish ya'll a Happy Fall.

Wordless Wednesday

Si, Senor.

Fuckin' A, I'm all fucked up now.

Inebriation by Meat

Protein intoxicated, meat drunk, beef happy. What?

Beef happy was unacceptable. It's the meat talking.

"Randy, I AM the meat."

I love cows. LOVE em'. I think they're adorable & serene, harmless creatures that can be put to good use aside from being topped with a pretty pickle & served as a trucker's lunch.

But like a pig on a spit, I'd bite it's ass right off in a carnal thirst for blood. Watch it, Wilbur.

If you were raised a carnivore, chances are you are instinctively a carnivore. Don't argue it.

But for the past year, a different type of reaction has started to take place.

I cannot finish one cut nor type of meat without feeling seriously grossed out sick right in the midst of eating these things.

When nearly every experience is a bad one, it may actually be time to quit meat. Which is INSANE to me, regarding myself. I didn't even just say that. All in your meat drunk mind.

How about just going out to the garden & biting the head off a celery when you know the same shits gonna happen when you try to eat a cheeseburger.

The one you crave every once in a while, but don't even fucking know why.

Because your parents raised you on meat & you're now a psychotic, blood-thirsty vampire, that's why.

Maybe the celery would satisfy if it bled from it's ears (I don't think celery has ears, but corn does), but bleeding vegetables in a possessed garden is another subject for another time & place.

And I am now shitfaced on 100 proof meatballs, and I'm really not so fucking beef happy about it.

Enwritten

Upon the leaf where now are peering

Eyes, scintillating soul, there lie perdus

  

Three eloquent words oft uttered in the hearing

    

  Of poets, by poets-as the name is a poet's, too.

With this more dark & dreary time of year, I have taken it as the opportunity to page homage to whom was (IMO) one of the most profound people to ever live.

Poe dug deeper than deep & put into words the most raw forms of human psyche, emotion, spirituality, intellect, discovery, depiction, & insight. From the all-laid-out-on-the-table, undressed, untamed, winding roads of human exploration in his stories, to the insurmountable depth of this man's metaphorical sense, neatly wrapped up into the alluring & exciting lil packages that were his poems.

No need to delve into The Raven here. I could recite it from memory as a kid, and I think it's incredibly bandwagon that someone always has to get all Raven up in this bitch, wherever this bitch may be.

I do try here & there, every once in a great while, to turn others onto his different works. Reading his poetry is a great teacher to meditate on in grasping the art of the language that is.

In "The Poetic Principle" Poe explains:

"I hold that a long poem does not exist. I maintain that the phrase, "a long poem," is simply a flat contradiction in terms.

I need scarcely observe that a poem deserves its title only inasmuch as it excites, by elevating the soul. The value of the poem is in the ratio of this elevating excitement. But all excitements are, through a psychal necessity, transient. That degree of excitement which would entitle a poem to be so called at all, cannot be sustained throughout a composition of any great length. After the lapse of half an hour, at the very utmost, it flags- fails- a revulsion ensues- and then the poem is, in effect and in fact, no longer such."

And these snippets, these gems, pierce & tantalize the very soul with a love & understanding of the language. To a degree of nearly dumbfounded intoxication. an inexplicable awe, a beauty you feel blow through you like a breeze, a fire in the soul - A candle is lit, the burning inferno of the human essence, transformed to a primitive eloquence we call poetry.

A homage to the heart of Poe, with golden quotes.

Take this kiss upon the brow!

and in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night or in a day,

In a vision or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

_________________

Thou wast that all to me, love,

For which my soul did pine-

A green isle in the sea, love,

A fountain & a shrine,

All wreathed with fairy fruits & flowers,

And all the flowers were mine.

A dream to bright to last!

Ah, starry hope! that didst arise

But to be overcast!

A voice from out the future cries "On! on!"-but o'er the Past

My spirit hovering lies mute, motionless, aghast.

And all my days are trances,

And all my nightly dreams

Are where thy dark eye glances,

And where thy footstep gleams-

In what ethereal dances,

By what eternal streams!

________________

  It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea. 

And here is where I absolutely urge iPhone users & Poe lovers to get this, completely free. More than any of my paper books ever contained & therefore one hell of a gem. Complete collection right in your palm, & they ain't pullin' your leg this time.....

http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/the-complete-edgar-allan-poe/id370950927?mt=8

Ooh, this is inappropriate - Let's Have At It.

It's not so much about defacing a penis as it is the pain & horror of it all.

But you can have so much fun with just the imagination here.

GENITAL TATTOOS. WHY?!

It's crazy, it's almost unfathomable, but good enough for me, something about it is funny as hell.

A million & one ideas. Or at least 5-10 if we're good. A million & one is just more fun to say.

• A genuine skin flute, flute holes n' all, with a diagram of where to blow.

• A hot dog with the bun, ketchup & mustard squigglies

• A Dirty Harry handgun with the trigger at the shaft.

• A shark carrying a peach torpedo.

• Half peeled banana. "Banana split surprise"

• A Mr. Potato Head  (Groucho glasses, however, don't suffice. That's lame.)

• And if you wanna skip the genital mutilation, but still make it stand out, guys. You could always get your favorite set of eyes tattooed on each underside of your happy trail, and pretend your dong's his nose.

They're just plain old hard to come up with for vagina's. The subliminal message here is hard for vagina's.

Vagina's are weird, and they rock, but they don't wave through the air at you like a.......Wait, there it is.
A viking hat, with the braids, and the beard, or the boobs, or the bearded lady.

Point is, you can't tattoo these things on a vagina, but they'd look great, or just outright hilarious on a penis.

Craziest two words in the English fuckin' language.