Don't Eat Barbiturates and Drive, Kids.

So, I know I haven't posted all week, and honestly, I had a few really great ideas at one point, but they completely slipped my mind like boobs in a pool of Jello.

I do, however, have many insane stories in my back pocket, so I figured I'd pop in & share one of those in the meantime, till some of those maybe come flying back to me.

Have you ridden in a car up on a wall?

You should try it. It's exhilarating!

This was an incident that very few pics out there could help in describing, so I doubted myself on if I could draw the scenario out, and this morning it just kind of flowed like wine into Julia Child's cup.

It was a sunny day in Fall, circa 1997. My good friends, whom I guess for legal purposes we'll refer to as Saul & Matty, and myself were having a jolly old time hanging around my homestead.

At one point Saul had decided to take us over to his house in his Impala (which back in that day, was really the pimp of American cars). 

Oh 1997, you're so sexy.
Like, kind of detective with a handlebar mustache sexy.

Before we walked out the door we really had no idea how much Phenobarbital Saul had taken. Just that his current girlfriend had recently turned alternating shades of green & as purple as Violet Beauregarde from one of her binges on a balloon full of "candy" he gave her (which nothing says "Darling, I love you. In fact, so much that I'd like to give you this pretty balloon & see you change colors like a goddamn Iguana." as much) & we probably should have known.

All was good until we got to the rail road tracks (you know, where you're supposed to go 20 mph.), and he floors it & starts going 80, and all of a sudden.......

.

.

We're. Driving. On. A. Effing. WALL

.

.

And as I hear the ruckus in the back & quickly look behind me...

.

.

No effing way were his jeans that skinny.
Also, his left leg was way going the other way. Tell Charlie Sheen you can't always win.
Also, I don't know wtf is up with the car here. Just go with it.

Nope, the side of the car wasn't scraping the wall. We were somehow remarkably driving sideways, on a wall, with the car bouncing on the rough stone, pouncing Matty completely around the back seat like a rubber ball, left to right.

It gets better.

We finally escape the wall & Saul turns us onto a side street & decides to turn his head to the back of the car to get a good look at the wall.

I wasn't even messed up, and when I tell you this mofo's face looked as melted as a Van Gogh painting...

Holy Shit!

Lookin' good, man. Lookin'. Damn. F'n. GOOD!!

.

.

.

So here's where I'm wondering who's watching the goddamn road in front of us & figured maybe it was my job to step in here.

.

.

And that's how you could tell the weird shit, bug power or whatever the hell he was on, had taken full effect.

.

.

Is it needless to say I grabbed the steering wheel & swerved us all from certain death or brain damage?

Now, I know what you're thinking & probably going to say.

But that's the thing about good ol' Saul. He's fucking IMMORTAL.

There are HUNDREDS of incidents where the dip shit, by the laws of nature, should have died.

Among those we've literally seen him fall off a cliff, blow his arm up with explosive gas, smash through glass doors, survive 5+ car accidents, wake up naked on his landlord's couch after hours of trudging waist deep through a swamp in the dead of night, getting his ass kicked while naked hiding in the bushes on his front lawn on angel dust, and I don't have all goddamn day here.

In fact, there should be a series or even a book about the wonderful adventures of Saul, the immortal moron.

There were a few others among the crew almost as messed up as Saul, but he takes the golden taco.

(If you ask me what that means, I cannot tell you. I have no idea!)

So, let that be a lesson to you. If you're going to Liza Minnelli it up

 Don't get behind the wheel.

And don't tell me what's possible if you get the right footing.

Also, there could be someone like this where you live.

Have a safe & comfortable weekend!

WTF Happens Here (Applesauce & Shiz)

It's not a myth - Most kids hate vegetables!

Notice I didn't say "all" and I do love how I hear more & more these days about youngens loving their vegetables, but in my opinion this is kind of like a new trend such as the whole foods craze, because growing up when I did you signed the petition & hopped on the anti-vegetable committee, if only in your mind, but you still made a pact with yourself.

I remember my grandmother in Florida threatening me to eat her string beans as I cried & pouted & rebelled for over two hours.

I think I eventually ended up snorting some up my nose in dismay.

(Not limited to just veggies...)

Things like applesauce, Spinach, Squash, Zucchini, Tapioca, and Kidney Beans made me want to cry at the mere thought of them.

Things like turnip were unheard of, but you'd give the word a lil giggle

("Mofos & old people food." That's what you were thinking, right?)

And now?........

NOW?!?

Better watch your back cause I'll come up on your ass in the grocery store & run you down on one of them scooters like Santa on the way to his Amphetamine dealer.

Gimme all your vegetables!

This dude's packing some serious drugs in those boxes, not dollies & chocolates.

I've come for your brussels sprouts.

Just kidding. I don't even like brussell sprouts. 

I'll never like those. I'm not that crazy.

In fact, brussels sprouts & cabbage should get together for a suicide orgy.
I'm pretty sure brussels sprouts are actually just the evil demon spawns of the unholy that is cabbage.

I'm also pretty sure this is what an adult candy store looks like...

Not even sure if they both are cabbage. Who cares, it is the Antichrist.

But my taste buds go into frenzies for crisp, fresh bell peppers, tomato slices, stalks of celery, grilled asparagus & corn, piles of plain, boiled spinach with nothing on it.

It goes deeper - I require applesauce. I wouldn't be insane enough to have pork chops without it.

I love tapioca balls, and I so have to refrain from making a statement here about them in my mouth.

(*Wipes sweat off brow*)

I didn't......but I like, did......Know what I mean?

But back to the topic at hand, could you pass me those turnips? Because I seem to have left my entire dinner just to eat the whole bowl.

In fact, every thing's dead in the garden because I was out there earlier eating all the seedlings out of the ground like a fuckin' Brontosaurus.

More re-fried beans, please!!

How long before I'm using my senior discount card to enjoy a nice, cold prune juice on tap?

Maybe garnished with a radish. *Vomit*

It kind of just progresses- Loving the things we once had an absolute hatred for as we grow older.

And you know it goes much deeper than vegetables because it's happened to you too.

Don't deny it. We all have things we love that we once hated or turned us off.

Now I'm thinking I should cut this off before it goes where the tapioca thing went...

Ever had something you've grown more fond of that you maybe once despised?

(Did you hate your damn veggies? Did you snort pole beans? Cause I totally didn't, although I can't remember what had happened to those things that night. The trauma that was blanked it out.)

Or better yet, some tastes you just know will never change for you? Like cabbage & lentils.

Could you hand me that bag please?  Thanks.