From LilPixi, herself...
When it comes to the blogging world, Kelly is like my next of kin, so I am beyond thrilled that he'll be gracing us with such an awesome & humorous guest post today, and if you've yet to visit & follow his outstanding blog of epic proportions, Psycho Carnival make sure to pay him a visit afterwards, or the voices of a thousand souls will haunt you in your sleep eternally (A bit much? I think not.) I fucking love this blogger!! My blogging soulmate to say the least. So pop some popcorn & sit back because you're sure to enjoy this ride. Take it away, Kelly.......
THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF PENISES AND VAGINAE
presented to you by your friendly neighborhood guest poster, Kelly... which would be me... you see, oh-so-modestly
As most of you know, some of us (menfolk) own a penis.
Still, there are others (womenfolk) who have a vagina.
And a few of us have both (hermaphrodites).
Today, we shall discuss the advantages and disadvantages of having either a penis or a vagina.
Penis Advantages include:
* The comfort and anatomical ability of being able to piss against a wall, a urinal, face of a homeless retard, behind a friend, over the railing of a bridge or overpass so that it splatters on the cars below or just about anywhere you can fling your ding-a-ling out. Pretty nifty, eh?
* Penises can also be used to put on amusing and interesting puppet shows. (see below)
* And let's say your hands and arms are full of groceries. That handy dandy penis of yours can be used to ring the doorbell to alert your significant other that you're home and in need of assistance with your bags of goodies- or to simply let them know you want them to open the fucking door! Of course, your penis should probably be erect (try stroking it, vigorously) before attempting this and you should be sure the ringer is at the appropriate height or you will probably be shit out of luck. Unless you're that guy, in the above picture. I don't think he'll have any trouble.
Penis Disadvantages Include:
* Let's face it, guys. Penises are stupid looking. The darn thing looks like a deformed sausage link or some variety of mushroom.
* Penises can be quite cumbersome, difficult to handle and will, at times, prove awkward in public places. Guys are usually tugging at their crotches because their one eyed trouser snake almost constantly needs to be shifted here and there in order to avoid discomfort. Women may show their pity upon poor men by offering them a kindly slob job in order to deflate the penis and make it that much more manageable. Everyone wins then! Peace of mind for the menfolk. Protein shake for the womenfolk.
* And, goodness gracious... Who knows when that rascal will become blood-engorged and ready to spew it's whitish vomit on some unsuspecting bed sheet in the middle of the night? I'm talking, of course, about wet dreams. Oh, the horror.
* Bonus boner fact- Horst Schultz achieved a stream of 18 ft 9 in (6 m) with a ‘substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph. Schultz is Penis Spurting Champion of The Universe! Imagine that!
Moving onward...
Vagina Advantages Include:
* Vaginae can be used for extra storage space. I once went to a bachelor party where a stripper did magic tricks with her pussy. The following is not a joke: The skinny blonde haired stripper put a dozen hard boiled eggs into her fleshy storage unit and like a chicken, went to each guy (there was thirty of us, sitting on couches and chairs) and carefully laid an egg from her twat into our frosty mugs of beer. She continued the show by inserting an entire 12 oz. bottle of Budweiser in her mystery hole, along with a bullwhip (don't ask), and a 14 inch zucchini.
Here's the funny part about the zucchini... The stripper had a friend of mine lay on his back on the hardwood floor. The stripper wedged one end of the zucchini into my friend's mouth. She then commenced to ride it with the force of an enraged rhino until it finally exploded all over my good buddy's face. We laughed at him, called him an idiot and kicked him a couple times, for good measure, as he was blinded by chunks of mashed up zucchini and vaginal juices. Blammo! Jolly fun for one and all.
From that night forward, she was known as Vagina Monster.
I've often wondered if Vagina Monster was ever in need of service. In some special, kind-hearted, thoughtful way, I was almost worried about Vagina Monster. And then I would get over it, shift my weiner to the left and continue about on my life's many wonderful journeys.
* I can't really think of any more advantages of owning a vagina. I guess some womenfolk would consider the ability to have a baby with it as some sort of advantage, but I don't see it. I'm glad to have a penis so I don't have to go through all that nasty ol' pain, mess and fuss. A male friend o' mine told me he was in the delivery room when his wife agonizingly popped out a little human critter. I asked, sincerely, "So you witnessed the Miracle of Life, did ya?"
He said, "Miracle of Life? Miracle of Life? It was horrible... absolutely ghastly and disgusting. Oh, and the screaming and..."
I put my hand up. I had heard enough.
Sorry ladies, that you have a vagina. But you still have something to smile about because with your extraordinary vagina... Men will actually want to talk to you. Oh, the joy!
Vagina Disadvantages include:
* Vaginae usually smell like fish or iron or blood or a strange horror-movie type gash between the legs.
* Vaginae bleed for 7 days or more and women are usually experiencing some amount of discomfort and yet they do not die. I do not know whether to congratulate women on living through this every month or running away in fright because, well, let's face it, that's just so supernatural and stuff.
In closing, I would just like to state the obvious that there are advantages and disadvantages of having a veiny dingle or bearded clam. Hermaphrodites, of course, can go fuck themselves, literally. :)
Hey folks, I'm glad I could stop by and help educate and entertain you fine, sophisticated readers. I want to thank LilPixi for the golden opportunity of allowing me to guest host for this excellent, hilarious blog of hers, too. She has been a great and much valued friend for awhile now. I consider her to be a kindred spirit and blogging soulmate, as well. Always kind, supportive and ultra-creative! LilPixi, if you're reading this, (and I'm bettin' you are) I surely hope you are mending well and that you continue to delight and enchant us with future blog posts whenever you acquire the strength to come back to blogging. Take care, Kelly
