A Whole Pile of Gibberish & A Messed Up Paradise

I feel compelled to jump in here all "AAAAYYY" like Fonzi, but really, that's just fucking cheesy & possibly detrimental to my readership, so I'll start by saying "Hi, blog, bloggers. I've truly missed your asses, really."

 I do enjoy staying very busy, but it's just not the same without you. All those lonely, wordless nights I lay in bed, thinking about caressing you and your foul words and insane ramblings and how you say "Don't touch me there! It's harassment".

As some of you may know, over a week ago I packed my bags and ran on down to sunny FLA for a fun in the sun vacation and to get away from this apocalyptic rain forest that is NEW New England, and god knows I'm a whore for the sun, palm tress, beaches, tropics, flip flops, bikinis, surfing, and partying, but mind you, everywhere you go is a world of its own.

Yes, where rednecks molest alligators and you have a 40% chance of being murdered just driving to the post office.

Something tells me this was probably created by some 80 year old golfer in Boca. 

So, I'm thinking of adding a new segment here where I elaborate on some of the things I've tweeted, experienced, and talked about throughout the week because, well, it gives me more shit to post about and I have to mention that they're subjects which were tweeted because many of you have probably seen it tweeted, and that would be lame if you heard about it twice without explanation.

Tonight I was in a restaurant and this guy (probably about 60-70-ish) was stomping around unnecessarily like a buffalo with a family size dinner in his hands and a friend of mine said "He's going to eat that whole plate and break the place down." 

(Mind you, this isn't a weight thing. He didn't seem that big at all to me. This a "Why the hell are you stampeding across the floor like a buffalo holding a plate to feed a family of four all to yourself" thing)

Surely enough right before we left, the guy broke the chair and fell out of it and tumbled to the the floor in front of the whole restaurant and that's when it hit me like a pile of bricks - "This has absolutely nothing to do with my blog post, but I'm gonna put it in there anyway". Then it hit me like a sack of crab legs - "I'm going to elaborate on some of my interesting and humorous tweets from this week".

So here we go - "Shit I mentioned on Twitter", & "Down the Rabbit Hole".

Down in Florida I had completely forgotten about the consequences of having to share a room with my mother, and it hadn't hit me till after the first night when I was crying and holding myself , pulling my hair out and slapping myself in the head on the bathroom floor with a pillow. 

True story.

My father says the shit my mother says in her sleep is the most screwed up, psychedelic rabbit hole he's ever been down, and with that, I couldn't agree more...... I was reminded.

The second night she wakes up suddenly out of a sound sleep:

- "I just had the worst nightmare!!"

- "What happened, Ma?"

- "We were singing under the lollipop tree and allll the colors broke!"

- "That's a nightmare, mom?"

- "It is to me!

Someone kept screaming 'What about the green one?! What about the green one?!'......... Like, what about it? What the fuck about it?! IT'S JUST LIME!"

This unfortunately just got worse as the week went on.

- "OMG, I just has the biggest Italian fight!

All the chandeliers came down, someone called me a meatball!"

- "Wait a minute, mom........What the hell is going on now?"

- "I......I don't know what to say. We were burglarized by Bird's Eye!"

- "WHAT?"

(I thought this was some secret service shit before I found out she was talking about frozen peas)

- "What's your favorite way to have fish, Ba?"

- "WHAAATTT?! What. the. fuck?!" *In Tears*

- "Ya know........ A lot of people don't realize the value of stewed tomatoes."

- "Really now?"

- "They don't!!"

"Look, Ba, it's a periwinkle!"

- "Oh, god!

What do you mean?" *afraid to ask*

- "Well, you know how the sun sets on a rock? It's setting on a periwinkle. It's just sitting there all fat and stupid."

- "What the ffffffuck!"

- "BA???"

(One of my many nicknames, somehow short for "Bitsy")

- "Yeah, mom?"

- "How's she doing that with the chick peas?"

- "Who?"

- "I wanna be on The Real Housewives of New Jersey."

- "Kill me now."

*************************************

I go to Florida at least once a year to get away from all the humdrum of regular life & spend weeks at a time with my uncles or watch their house while their on vacation, and this time was quite different than the others so far. This new reality with all going on back home and with all going on back there with my uncle's cancer & all was another dimension. In fact, this new reality of mine had driven me to drink.

....Al the way down to the bottom of a 1.75 liter.

The actual bottle

Bottoms up!

I ended up spending most of my week melting like butter at the beach, getting ripped on tequila, compulsively shopping and tweeting, and abusing Foursquare.

Getting word of some goings on back home.

Meanwhile, World War III breaks out down in Florida with an epic drunk and shirtless fight between the uncles, after my one uncle had fallen down onto the floor of the dining room numerous times from too many cuckoo pills and bottles of scotch and a no sugar, no carb, no food diet combo that would make Judy Garland look like Strawberry Shortcake.

Then the Twitter spelling owl came to my aid. Now I don't know what's up with this cockamamie bastard, but he thought he knew how to spell "pinscher" better than me.

So, my vacation was awesome!!!

I'm going to update my Flickr & actually attempt to put the photo stream on the sidebar of my blog here, so you can actually see some of the nice parts of my vacation, but we'll see because there's a strong dose of Murphy's Law going around right now.

And now I can officially say "I hope you're all having a wonderful start to this summer!" =D

Because mine has been as fun as a bonfire on the beach, and as interesting as a bonfire on the beach with burning bodies in it.

They Can Drive Us Insane

Sometimes they nitpick, and demand, and disapprove, and they sometimes want to make us pull our hair right out....

But we'll miss that when they're gone.

So, no matter how small or unimportant you think it may be....

There's nothing like a mother. Take this weekend to show her that, if you're fortunate enough to still have her around.

And send the BIGGEST hugs, love, and respects ever to those who do no longer.

I don't know how much longer we'll have dear ol' Betty White lil nana, but if it were less than a year, I couldn't have lived with myself if I hadn't put the smile of being loved & appreciated on her face that she'll have today when that delivery truck pulls up & rings the doorbell with this arrangement which is actually almost three times bigger than her adorable lil head. 

And you don't need to say it with flowers. You can say it with anything.

Just think about what this day means, and what a mom truly is, and make it genuine.

Regardless of the times they may make us want to stab ourselves in the face with a soldering iron, who do we call out for in pain & despair?, who do we feel inclined to call up with that remarkable, good, or even unsettling news? Who do most of us always want to turn to for that ultimate comfort or sage advice?

Who do you have to thank that you're here, and who had the strength & decency to raise you in a way that you didn't end up a serial killer?
(My apologies to the uni bomber & all those fuck faces alike. I don't know, maybe their moms were cool. Maybe Uncle Carl molested them in the closet. Wherever shit went wrong...)

Mine drives me fucking NUTS!!

(In a way that I'm surprised that I don't have a Valium gum ball machine)

But boy, am I gonna miss that when it's gone.

That's a huge understatement. I don't know what I'll do or how I'll carry on when she's not around to drive me nuts along with all the good moms do.

So, I took her for that fancy Chinese dinner, had them bring a cake to the table for her (Her b-day is right around Mother's Day), and I'm going to get her that insane list of things she wants, right down to that fucking magnolia tree, so she can always see it flower & be reminded of my unconditional love & appreciation.

This may be a humor blog, but I'm a human as well as a freak, and this is a subject/message that hits close to home & is significant to me.

Moms drive us nuts BECAUSE they want to be that #1 person in our lives, and important enough to be that person, as we were in theirs from day 1 of our very existence.

Mother's Day is really something special.

It's our time to give back, for all those diapers, tantrums, and times they stayed by our side & took care of us when we were sick & hurting. For all those fits of teen angst & worrisome nights we brought them. For all they may have had to work all those years to keep food on our tables & clothes on our backs.

And if you don't have the time &/or the resources, MAKE the time, and don't worry about the resources.

They just want to hear, know, and feel how much we love & are grateful for them. They've worked so hard loving & raising us to deserve that.

So, if she's still with you, show your mom (and your mother figures) how much she means.

So to all the moms out there...

P.S My deepest apologies if I haven't been doing much blog catching up this week. Things have been insane, hectic, and busy, but I'll be getting around to rounds this weekend. XoXo. Until then, enjoy the lovely weather, and showering mom with love.

You got every other day of the year to hide in the car/basement, and scream (maybe even cry) & pull your hair out.

This is the day you suck it up & throw that all out the window.

We've All Heard of Em', Seen Em' in the Movies

The frail, tiny lil old ladies, so dainty for their age, heart of pure gold, smile that lights up a room like a beacon in such a way that you say to yourself "This must be an angel."

Until she opens up her adorable, satanically possessed lil mouth from the third ring of hell, that is.

We all know of em' thanks to such meat fuckers as Betty White, god bless her.

Betty White needs to take my 82 year old grandmother out bowling & for a filet-o-fish. What bosom buddies.

But let's get around to the sweet lil Charlotte.

(Is it odd that when I want some of the most amusing laughs & wild comedy, visiting my grandparents is just what the doctor ordered?)

Let's get down to the examples, shall we.

That Christmas dinner a few years ago, not the one where mom shit her pants in the basement & we had to evacuate the house, but the one where dear old nan thought it would be funny to announce she needed vibrators for the bedroom in addition to her remote car starter for the Caddie.

(Oh yes, they are all super charming, btw!)

She then proceeded to go over to the stove, bend over & tell my sister & I she had pains in her "pussy"

You know those moments where you literally choke a lil from the shock? An evening with my grandmother would choke the hell out of you. 

And as my grandfather (& that whole side) is also funny as HELL, this is about those lil old ladies we've all heard of or come across once in a blue moon, except for me, this outrageous lil old lady has been right by my side my whole life. This is the norm.

There once was this whole dinner scene with the 300+ lb. next door neighbor, facing towards us in a skin tight dress with no underwear on. Better yet, moving her leg all around, fighting a piece of bubble gum stuck to her shoe.

(Are you serious? Do you know this our dining room window & it's 5:00 p.m. Yes, that fucking happened.)

What does lil nan do in a situation like that while all of our eyes are burning out in horror?

She goes off about how she's lucky if "She could find one guy to fuck her"

No horizontal bop, or whatever the fuck people from the 1920's-1930's say, just raw dog fn grandma, flyin' off at the mouth again.

She was a lot of fun on Anesthesia this past summer.

She told her nurse that she bets her boyfriend is an asshole & to leave him while she can & told us all to "Get the fuck out" at the sight of us, thinking her admittance was a conspiracy & that somehow we had all given her colon cancer.

See, I have had yet to blog about this 100% Italian lunatic side of the family, but with the holidays coming up, I know that = goooood material.

Mom - How do I sum her up? Wildly fun, insanely immature, raised a spoiled only daughter the world can't seem to help but adore. And I think she's seriously under 5 feet, which makes her all the more destructive & adorable. Looks like my Uncle Mike with a wig.

You know, it just occurred to me that if I wrote about my father's side of the family, it would be like some kind of really twisted episode of Cops (How DID he make it out normal, but the only one?), which is definitely something to talk about for another time, but the Guido side.....Well, that's just how I've spent all my holidays all my life.

I am ready for this insanity at the end of the month, and a good trip to grandma's house!!