A Whole Pile of Gibberish & A Messed Up Paradise

I feel compelled to jump in here all "AAAAYYY" like Fonzi, but really, that's just fucking cheesy & possibly detrimental to my readership, so I'll start by saying "Hi, blog, bloggers. I've truly missed your asses, really."

 I do enjoy staying very busy, but it's just not the same without you. All those lonely, wordless nights I lay in bed, thinking about caressing you and your foul words and insane ramblings and how you say "Don't touch me there! It's harassment".

As some of you may know, over a week ago I packed my bags and ran on down to sunny FLA for a fun in the sun vacation and to get away from this apocalyptic rain forest that is NEW New England, and god knows I'm a whore for the sun, palm tress, beaches, tropics, flip flops, bikinis, surfing, and partying, but mind you, everywhere you go is a world of its own.

Yes, where rednecks molest alligators and you have a 40% chance of being murdered just driving to the post office.

Something tells me this was probably created by some 80 year old golfer in Boca. 

So, I'm thinking of adding a new segment here where I elaborate on some of the things I've tweeted, experienced, and talked about throughout the week because, well, it gives me more shit to post about and I have to mention that they're subjects which were tweeted because many of you have probably seen it tweeted, and that would be lame if you heard about it twice without explanation.

Tonight I was in a restaurant and this guy (probably about 60-70-ish) was stomping around unnecessarily like a buffalo with a family size dinner in his hands and a friend of mine said "He's going to eat that whole plate and break the place down." 

(Mind you, this isn't a weight thing. He didn't seem that big at all to me. This a "Why the hell are you stampeding across the floor like a buffalo holding a plate to feed a family of four all to yourself" thing)

Surely enough right before we left, the guy broke the chair and fell out of it and tumbled to the the floor in front of the whole restaurant and that's when it hit me like a pile of bricks - "This has absolutely nothing to do with my blog post, but I'm gonna put it in there anyway". Then it hit me like a sack of crab legs - "I'm going to elaborate on some of my interesting and humorous tweets from this week".

So here we go - "Shit I mentioned on Twitter", & "Down the Rabbit Hole".

Down in Florida I had completely forgotten about the consequences of having to share a room with my mother, and it hadn't hit me till after the first night when I was crying and holding myself , pulling my hair out and slapping myself in the head on the bathroom floor with a pillow. 

True story.

My father says the shit my mother says in her sleep is the most screwed up, psychedelic rabbit hole he's ever been down, and with that, I couldn't agree more...... I was reminded.

The second night she wakes up suddenly out of a sound sleep:

- "I just had the worst nightmare!!"

- "What happened, Ma?"

- "We were singing under the lollipop tree and allll the colors broke!"

- "That's a nightmare, mom?"

- "It is to me!

Someone kept screaming 'What about the green one?! What about the green one?!'......... Like, what about it? What the fuck about it?! IT'S JUST LIME!"

This unfortunately just got worse as the week went on.

- "OMG, I just has the biggest Italian fight!

All the chandeliers came down, someone called me a meatball!"

- "Wait a minute, mom........What the hell is going on now?"

- "I......I don't know what to say. We were burglarized by Bird's Eye!"

- "WHAT?"

(I thought this was some secret service shit before I found out she was talking about frozen peas)

- "What's your favorite way to have fish, Ba?"

- "WHAAATTT?! What. the. fuck?!" *In Tears*

- "Ya know........ A lot of people don't realize the value of stewed tomatoes."

- "Really now?"

- "They don't!!"

"Look, Ba, it's a periwinkle!"

- "Oh, god!

What do you mean?" *afraid to ask*

- "Well, you know how the sun sets on a rock? It's setting on a periwinkle. It's just sitting there all fat and stupid."

- "What the ffffffuck!"

- "BA???"

(One of my many nicknames, somehow short for "Bitsy")

- "Yeah, mom?"

- "How's she doing that with the chick peas?"

- "Who?"

- "I wanna be on The Real Housewives of New Jersey."

- "Kill me now."

*************************************

I go to Florida at least once a year to get away from all the humdrum of regular life & spend weeks at a time with my uncles or watch their house while their on vacation, and this time was quite different than the others so far. This new reality with all going on back home and with all going on back there with my uncle's cancer & all was another dimension. In fact, this new reality of mine had driven me to drink.

....Al the way down to the bottom of a 1.75 liter.

The actual bottle

Bottoms up!

I ended up spending most of my week melting like butter at the beach, getting ripped on tequila, compulsively shopping and tweeting, and abusing Foursquare.

Getting word of some goings on back home.

Meanwhile, World War III breaks out down in Florida with an epic drunk and shirtless fight between the uncles, after my one uncle had fallen down onto the floor of the dining room numerous times from too many cuckoo pills and bottles of scotch and a no sugar, no carb, no food diet combo that would make Judy Garland look like Strawberry Shortcake.

Then the Twitter spelling owl came to my aid. Now I don't know what's up with this cockamamie bastard, but he thought he knew how to spell "pinscher" better than me.

So, my vacation was awesome!!!

I'm going to update my Flickr & actually attempt to put the photo stream on the sidebar of my blog here, so you can actually see some of the nice parts of my vacation, but we'll see because there's a strong dose of Murphy's Law going around right now.

And now I can officially say "I hope you're all having a wonderful start to this summer!" =D

Because mine has been as fun as a bonfire on the beach, and as interesting as a bonfire on the beach with burning bodies in it.