Tis the Frickin' Season

The one where all the crazies who don't seem to be out all year crawl out of the f-ing woodwork & infiltrate the earth with (even more) weirdness for two months. The two months leading up to the new year for some reason.

They are upon us. The circus is in town. Cousin Eddie's coming home...

The realization kicked in today with a seemingly harmless trip to Suck-Mart for some new Christmas lights that I need to re-string my garlands with.

Once a certain time of year hits, my nostalgic geek ass always reaches for AccuRadio Holidays from my PC or iPhone.

So, today I kicked on a lil AccuJazz, some Vince Gueraldi comes on to start psyching me up with holiday cheer, until my friend signals me to make sure I check out the chick in the lane next to me if I have a chance to pull up.

I really thought this mofo was f-ing with me & I wasn't in the mood for jokes & empty promises of chicks with sideburns.

But lo & behold, this chick had some of the biggest sideburns I have ever seen. Full-on melon chops.


But seriously, props to you, girl. That's a bold fucking fashion statement right there. Hey, it's the time of year anything goes.

Except this next bit. This shit never flies.....

Now look, I don't like to have to beat up anyone. But the deranged douche bag who brought back the 80's, pray I don't find you in a dark alley.

These two hookers........and I'm pretty sure the same ones in the exact same clothing, staring me down as if I were spreading bad fashion since I don't look like I made my clothes at Plaster Fun Time, obviously don't own a bedazzler, nor am in any position to qualify for a Debbie Gibson video.

Maybe they were scouting me out for Devo or Robert Palmer, who knows. I would guess they were pissed I was making them look bad. Though, I could have pulled that off in fishing overalls. AWK-WARD.

This can never have a positive impact on society.

 (Hey, fucker who thought this idea was cool, do you realize this shit HAUNTS me?!)

Now the 80's is trying to step in & fuck with my motherflippin' X-mas, ya'll?!

I HATE the 80's. They ruin everything. I try to block em' out best as I can. Put it back in its box & blast that shit into outer space.

This freak show is quite literally the walking dead, and it is everywhere. These are the zombies you fear, people. Wake up, before it's too late.

I know the future is here & all, but even the Jetsons didn't look that farkin'' crazy. Or "We've simply run out of ideas & styles. Let's go backwards & put a new twist on the ugliest we can remember."

Those freaks weren't revolutionizing anything. They just did too much coke & lost ALL f-ing sense of normalcy. True story. I was there. Kind of. Not really. I told you I block it out.

Anywho, I had thought about maybe running the hookers over (though not really, but maybe just showing off a bit) with my sexy steed in the parking lot (B/c I'm awesome like that & trying to help you bring down the 80's. You can thank me later), but their Delorean was nowhere to be found.

It was after that, when I got stuck behind a 90 year old woman (Seemingly drunk & with Parkinson's, & a car full of dwarfs) & left em' to give chase to DJ Smacks & his penismobile, that I started to consider maybe doing every bit of shopping, big or small, online for the next few months.

Yep, oddly enough, every confusing lil bit of that last sentence is true.

They're out there. And they're giving you dirty looks, wanting to tease your bangs, & growing facial hair, & driving around in giant penises, fornicating with dwarfs. And don't say I didn't warn you.