With the car that was a total hazard & danger to society.
(It could have even been YOU.)
(It could have even been YOU.)
For us that would have been Damien.
(Okay, there were a few but none quite like this.)
(Okay, there were a few but none quite like this.)
Damien was already a lil fucked up, but he was more just one of those kids that didn't always have the best of luck.
He would roll through my door in his wave of teen angst & my ex & I would cheer him up & console him, being his last friendly visit on the way home.
So, you know, finally it happens, and Damien inherits his first car.
We hear about how amazing this mechanical piece of work is, so we stand out on the curb & await the moment.
"Jon, what's that?
"What?"
"Did you hear a gun shot?
Are those birds flying south for the winter?"
And there it was, struggling to turn onto my street worse than a tugboat in despair, with a tailpipe that made it both audibly & visually obvious it was prepared to start the mother of explosions at any moment.
 |
| 1970 Cadillac Eldorado. |
Except Damien's ElDorado was no shiny cool blue. It was beige with rusted spots of brown.
I was so convinced this car could be the start of the apocalypse I had officially tried to ban it from driving up my street.
"He can't come by here in that car.
He's going to kill us all!"
*BANG*
"Cover your ears & DUCK for fucksake! Run! Ruuun!!"
Yes, I'm well aware of the irony that a kid named after the spawn of Satan drove Satan's Cadillac.
I was so convinced this car could be the start of the apocalypse I had officially tried to ban it from driving up my street.
"He can't come by here in that car.
He's going to kill us all!"
*BANG*
"Cover your ears & DUCK for fucksake! Run! Ruuun!!"
 |
| My version of Damien's car. |
Yes, I'm well aware of the irony that a kid named after the spawn of Satan drove Satan's Cadillac.
And although the very first car I owned is now considered a derby favorite...
 |
| Anyone remember the movie "Crazy People" where the guy was madly in love with the Saab Turbo hatchback? Yeah, that's how I felt about this car at the time. That's why I bought it. Don't ask. My sister had the same one. |
It wasn't exactly plotting for world destruction. Actually, all that car needs is a giant over-sized panda in the back window & you're good to go.
Whereas the 1970 ElDorado seemed to have a lust for war & mayhem.
It was mean, cold, and ugly. The beast had a mind of its own.
It probably backed into the woods at night & planned some of the most evil things known to man.
It was out for blood.
A car like that only serves one purpose.
(As long it's far the hell away from me, always, making sounds & expelling gases like that.)
Please observe.
One night it finally happened - Lil Satan was spotted on a main road with the car of death wrapped around a telephone pole like Christmas ribbon as he sat there on the curb in the cloud of black smoke having a pity party for one.
I rejoiced in the reality that the beast could no longer threaten to harm life on this planet.
And I think many of us rejoiced that we wouldn't have to look at it again.
Many first car stories always seem to be entertaining, esp. if you're going back in time to cars from the 70's-early 90's. As much as it produced a few cool cars, this era really knew how to produce fugly.
| You see those tailpipes? BAD. ASS! You'd have to be insane not to drive off of the lot with this beauty brand spankin' new, am I wrong? "Carol, look what I bought today! AWW YEAH." - "Uum, nio....Nope." |
Now if only my first could have been an older BMW bubble car.
Now, imagine if you had to go kick somebody's ass driving this thing.
You'd look so bad ass getting up & out the front of that half a roller skate like that, probably hitting your nuts or what have you on the wheel.
Make sure to honk the horn while you're yelling you're gonna kick their ass. I can imagine what that sounds like. That's gotta strike the fear of god in em'.
I actually just read that they're infamous for the steering wheels coming off. Who woulda thunk?
What does it matter?
If you're ever driving a car like that & you don't look like this...
 |
| My sincerest apologies to Thundercat. It's like not even funny. |
You better not try to get out in front of me cause I'm gonna push your ass right back in & send you.........probably off a cliff.
Back down the mountain, whatever, depends on your attitude.
I've wandered off topic once again, but with clowns & bubble cars & I really do apologize for that.
If you have a story like I have with Damien, well, you know just how funny that shit is.
It hit me the other day how I haven't seen anything on the road like it since, and how glad I am about that.
My first car was a rust-orange Volkswagen Thing. And now those ugly pieces of crap are collectors items? Ugh...
ReplyDeleteThe bubble car, totally horrendous but pretty funny, especially if the steering wheel comes off, which doesn't make it too funny, actually. That car reminds me of the smart car, which seems to be so fragile for big cities but here in NY, I've seen it in action against taxis and trucks. Totally rocks.
ReplyDeleteMy first car was a Chrysler, some type of model from 1987, cream color and I loved it. It was so smooth to drive but when closing the doors, it felt as if the car was going to end up in pieces.
Leslie Neilson looked like he was having a fucking seizure towards the end of that clip. Poor ol' Leslie. I miss that funny bastard.
ReplyDeleteI know what ya mean about first cars. Mine was a doozy. One of those big, long 1970's cars I "inherited" from my parents when I was in high school. It was purple with a black top. The only thing it had going for it was speed. Still, I thought it was the cat's ass. Or something like that. One night, some thieves stole it out of our driveway on top of the hill. And then they let it coast down the hill until it went over the embankment. I guess they didn't think it was the cat's ass or meow or barbed winkie or whatever.
They're making cars that are really small now (like the air pod cars that run on air and Smart cars). I don't think either are too awful goddamn smart because if either one of them get hit with so much as a tricycle, everyone in the car (which means someone and possibly a midget) will be crushed to a peanut buttery paste.
Hilarious post on first cars that brings back memories, LilPixi. You've done it again. I don't mean cut the cheese, either. Your description and picture of Damien's car from hell made me shoot coffee outta my nose and onto the head of my cat, which is looking at me, obviously displeased. Have a super day!
I love your version of the Cadillac! LOLZ. Some of the young boys here at home seem to relish in buying the hunkiest junkiest pieces and fix it up in hopes they create a master pieced. Shit is shit no matter what colour right? I remember my cousin in Boston last fall when I was there....rushed home to announce he just got his 'baby'. I was ooohhhhh snap, it's about to go down - His mother is gonna KILL Him! Until he said uhhh not a kid my car. I was happy until I looked outside at some piece of shit car. But to see the pride on his stupid face was priceless. He's studying auto-mechanics and is so excited to fix it up. I heard he got it road worthy too! Go figure.....lolz
ReplyDeleteIf you're ever driving a car like that & you don't look like a clown, you better not try to get out in front of me cause I'm gonna push your ass right back in & send you.........probably off a cliff.
ReplyDeleteNo need to worry about pushing them off a cliff….Those things are death traps:-
1.) No reverse gear (something to do with being licensed like a motorbike (well a tricycle really, three wheels) so not allowed to have reverse….)
2.) Door opens at the front
3.) Drive into a garage or even park against a wall and you are going to starve to death unless someone chooses to come to your rescue.
My first car was a Fiat 132, that was built like a tank, just as well the number of things I hit with it. The best was a 10 day old Volvo, the owners were well chuffed with that. Apart from the paint on the Fiat which, flaked like the contents of a box of Kellogg’s the Fiat had no damage. The Volvo had a deep gash down the whole of one side. The paint was almost unbroken though, just a few stretch marks like a well toned new mother….if the mother was blue and metallic that is…
P.S. Glad that you seem to be a bit more like your old self*. I thought I was going to have to send you a bunch of dead clowns to cheer you up.
* I feel qualified to say this as we have know each other for over half a month
I love how you're all sharing your car stories. Good stuff to read this afternoon.
ReplyDeleteL.I.I - That's was of my dad's first cars prior to his Road Runner.
Porkstar - I know exactly the kind of car you're talking about with the door. haha
Kelly - It was the way you told the story & definitely not the fact that anybody had disrespected the car you loved, but I couldn't help laughing. I'm sorry. Maybe it was something as simple as the cat's ass reference.
Although, if you were in high school in the 70's you could definitely get away better with driving a car made in the 70's over those kids that had them passed down 20 + years later. lol
The image of that car colliding with a tricycle made my day.
Kitty - I know, back in my day they used to rave about the Cutlass Supreme & the like. lol
That was funny.
Mr. B - Ya'll really make me laugh with the comments & part of the reason being that I'm such a visual reader & thinker, so when you say things like #3, I picture a guy squashed against the wall in that lil car, crying for a sandwich.
You are most certainly qualified & I appreciate it. ;~} You even know that a bunch of dead clowns would cheer me up. I mean, that's just uncanny. You already know my favorite surprises.
With you on the visuals - I now have visions of that same man condensed inside his bubble, eating his right arm ....While saying "I told you I would give my right hand for a snack" .
ReplyDeleteJust as well you don’t need cheering up, I was trying to gift wrap Dead Clowns but Amazon said they could only deliver within my own country. Something about being illegal to export expired comedy over international boarders…..If that’s the case how come you guys keep sending us trash like Jim Carrey movies….
You have a real talent for comedy, I'm tellin' ya. Expired comedy & Jim Carrey - That was hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI guess, though, stuck in the bubble car situation, one would want to start with an arm rather than a leg in case they have a chance of running away from the situation (And this is where I feel compelled to make a Jersey Shore reference but will refrain). Albeit, they'd be running armless & full of shame, but it's better than walking on your hands.
P.S. My apologies to Lost. In. Idaho. I just went over & explained how I was getting you confused with someone I had followed the exact same day. lol
ReplyDeleteSee, ya'll, lately when I follow a new site, I often wonder why I don't see that person posting afterwards, and then I scroll down & realize they're not even in my reader, so I have to follow a site TWICE to get it in my reader & sometimes it takes me a bit to notice it. So, dude, my apologies on being a lil late with realizing. lol
lmfao this was hilarious! My first car was a capris classic nicknamed BUCK SHOT! It would back fire every morning when I went to warm it up! I would shake in horror as all the neighborhood gangsters would duck for cover and almost pull out their guns...only to look at me with disgust! Some would point and laugh at me as I drove off :(
ReplyDeleteOh, do I know about embarrassing cars, mama.
ReplyDeleteBefore my father developed any sense of style, I grew up asking to be dropped off away from the school, riding in a 1980 yellow Cutlass Supreme.
My father was so stubborn in getting a new car that when I become a teenager a friend of mine was tripping his off ass & sat & pointed & laughed to tears at that thing for 4 hours straight.
What a fantastic trip down auto-memory lane. My first in college....we all have one....was a sunshine yellow VW bug....But my most favorite childhood car in the 1970s was the one my dad inherited, a black Oldsmobile Toronado sedan. It had automatic windows, leather upholstery and automatic locks. I think it also yawned when you started it up. Really fun post and great story!
ReplyDeleteMy first car was a sweet 1971 Monte Carlo.
ReplyDeleteIt was a faded mint green and the paint had completely lost any sheen it once had. Had to put a chunk of cardboard in front of the rad in the winter so it'd throw just enough heat to defrost the windshield and not any harder or hotter - wore a blanket over my knees for 2 winters before I could afford better.
New reader here - glad to have found you, and thanks for following VSL!
The Snee - I think my parents had the exact same Olds at one point. It was the first (& only) nice one they got. hahaha
ReplyDeleteVenom - I know people who would have died for one of those Monte Carlos to refurbish. The old & new ones were all the hype when I was a teen.
Glad I found your blog, sister. I know when I've stumbled upon someone who's a kindred spirit.
I remember my high school friends, assuming the Grim Reaper was an opportunist and forcing me to ride in the hatch back of a Ford Pinto.
ReplyDelete