What Is Up the Ass of America? (Not What You Think)

Just ask E.R nurses; how I found out what's up the ass of Americans, and the anal um "issues" that some people seem to have. You come to the conclusion somethings up, and not only up their asses, but maybe not quite right upstairs - America has ANAL.ISSUES.

There are so many stories & cases, any of these freaks could be amongst our everyday lives, and I definitely say "to each his own", but some preferences are kind of unfathomable & uh, safety first?

Maybe that's why it wasn't a good idea for that guy who was in the E.R once a month with a foreign object lodged in his rectum to go ahead & add a handful of mercury thermometers to his anal arsenal, his "happy storage space" once the nurses backs were turned, because when the thermometers broke, it was the last bit of excitement he ever experienced.

Strangely enough, many hospitals have what they refer to as "frequent flyer's" who continuously show up in the E.R with different objects where the sun don't shine.

Thanks to some of the threads at AllNurses.Com, we have a good list of insanity to go down.

These are true claims from real E.R nurses.

• Budweiser bottle

• Endless varieties of shampoo bottles

• A jar of Grey Poupon (How in the hell?!) That one ended up with a colostomy.

• A Flashlight. And when the doctor inserted the speculum to take a look, his face lit up from the light inside.

•  A cell phone turned on vibrate

• A hairbrush, bristles first.

• A rumor of a guy with a coffee jar full of drawing pins & tacks.

• Eating utensils (Not too sure of the details on that one, don't wanna be)

• Small, furry animals (Not an urban legend, confirmed)

• The end of a curtain rod

• A broom stick handle

• A candlestick

• Fruits of all shapes & sizes

• Bouncy balls

• Curling iron

• Hair dryer

• Crack pipes

• A butter knife from a frat party gone bad

• Polish sausage (We have a....not. winner. Wtf!)

• "I tripped & fell on a" - lamp post, wine bottle, shampoo, and a roll of paper towels.

• Endless vibrators still running when the patient comes in. They went just a lil too far, if you know what I mean.

• A small pistol (Good times if that shits loaded & goes off - YAHOO!)

• Potatoes, sprouted potatoes (Not a myth, confirmed) - "Every time I read one of these I wonder if the pt ever stopped to think that in order to have the potato lodged in his rectum from falling on it in the garden, he would most likely be naked. If he was wearing clothes, the pants would have prevented the potato from lodging in his rectum.

          Unless he was wearing a dress..."

 - "I can just see that 40 y/o biker type guy gardening commando in a sundress..."

• One of those water floaty noodles, the entire thing, all 4 ft. compacted into his rectum & descending colon. (I had no idea of the possibilities, really)

• Remote control

• Mayonnaise jar (Takes the taco from the mustard jar)

• Man with a rectal cucumber

• An orange 

• "An Eggplant in the Rectum!!  He went to surgery for removal!! I've never looked at an eggplant the same!!"  

• A bottle of Brut cologne

Oddly enough, this list is just virtually endless. It would literally never end....

And some of these medical professionals it simply does not phase, and they get the entertainment of their life out of it, so there is a tidbit of an upside to this in a fn' strange, strange world.

"Anal" Americans, I salute you. Just definitely not with a flag up my ass.

The next time I'm sitting on a park bench or something along those lines, in some heavily populated area, I'll try to be more conscious of my surroundings, and wonder what could be lurking up the asses of the people around me.