Well, it's official. The apples are ripe, crisps are being made, hoodies are being worn, and I'm another year closer to Keith Richards, which is inspiring.
I seem to think I'm on Iron Chef lately.
Thank YOU, Google image!
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This is totally what happens when the coffee runs out in my house. |
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| Disclaimer: I am definitely not cooking babies. Thank the mystery behind the machine. |
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| You ain't just whistlin' dixie, and they ain't just pounding cutlets. |
I spend hours in the kitchen cooking & working on insane baking projects. It makes harvesting from your garden much more fun too. Which is why next year I'll have the whole yard dug up, and cows & chickens, and how fuckin' cool would it be to never run out of milk, and cheese, and eggs, and psilocybin?!
Anyway, this isn't about running through fields of buttercups & teets & shit.
It's just a passing thought I had today. Fuck, butter for baking gets expensive. How does Paula Dean do it? She must have lil garden gnomes outside the door churning that shit like clockwork.
So, there's something I failed to mention.
As I have mentioned before, I live in the top half of the large multi-family New England home my parents bought when I was born.
Now, not only did I grow up spending my weekends basically living on a boat, but we always had a pool. We also always had a cherry tree that was planted when my sister was born, and a peach tree that was planted when I was born.
Well, there was devastation when my dad had decided to cut down those trees because supposedly he didn't like how all the leaves fell in the pool. So, a few years after that he also got rid of the pool right along with everything else good about our yard; raspberry bushes too. They send people to hell for destroying these things.
Don't give a drunk man the wrong types of tools to play with. Or just, probably not any for that matter.
(Though dad wasn't a drunk per say, he liked to drink on the weekends & work on the house/land/cars & fuck everything up, thinking he was doing a job well done.)
Here's where I get to the point.
He put in a new pool with a heater & all 2 years ago. He has since built a deliberate orchard around it.
A. Whole. Fucking. Orchard.
(2 apple, 2 peach, 1 nectarine, 2 pear, 2 plum)
That's 9 trees, buddy
Is he just rubbing his hands waiting for the day they get big enough for him to go chainsaw happy?
They're investing in another home in Florida within the year. Maybe their plan is to stick me with the maintenance back here.
In that case, thanks for the orchard. It's beautiful.
What the hell is wrong with you?
One man's leaf infested pool is another man's.....orchard?
The same man's in another time?
Either way, no need to go to an apple farm.
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| Hey there, peaches. |
Dig in.
Anyone know how to press & make hard cider?
No pumpkins makes me angry.
Now I have to go finish building a junk yard out of gingerbread.
Did someone say hard cider? Oooh! Since me up for a cask!
ReplyDeleteAnd I wish I knew how to make it. I'd help.
You have your own heated swimming pool, why didn’t you say, Mrs B and I are heading in your general direction for our next holiday (I might not be kidding)
ReplyDelete9 trees that is a proper orchard, we have one fruiting tree in our garden. Which turned out to be a real fruit cake, having an identity crisis a few years back and stopped producing plums (probably got fed up with my constant testicul jokes…), saved up for a fruit change operation and now produces green gages for a living….I hope it changes its mind again and goes for something more useful like cherries….
One thing I can highly recommend in a garden is a bird feeder it really brings the garden to life – The cats also get some much needed exercise and now have the fittest eyeballs in the neighbourhood – fortunately the rest of them stay pretty much stationary so our little feathered friends are free to eat us out of house and home…
I was a bit disappointed that you have not decided to cook the baby it has a glint in his eye similar to Hitler* at the same age so you might have been doing the planet a favour
* Although to be honest that might just be trapped wind…
chickens - how fuckin' cool would it be to never run out of milk, and cheese, and eggs,**
It has always been belief that you have not truly lived until you try chicken milk and cheese and I’m going to make it one of my life goals to bring it to the gullible market place. I’m sure it would be worth its own weight in gold….
** I may have misquoted your original statement – but hey all the best things in life start out with misquotes
“Lay it again Sam….” The legendry twice laid egg
P.S. Happy birthday and well done for starting to catch up with Keith Richards – just one word of warning don’t touch him when you do - or at least wash yourself and everyone you have ever met from head to foot, you never know where he’s been….
I'll let you have your post back and sorry for borrowing it for so long....
Mmm, hard cider. Any cider pressed on your own!
ReplyDeleteI've brewed beer. I can swing the cider with the right equipment.
Niel - If you & the Mrs. did visit New England some time in the future, I'd have to insist.
Those plums trees take the longest to produce. There's one that's been in the front yard for as long as I've lived here, and it took 20 years for it to start producing plums. The cherry tree was the best tree we ever had.
A bird feeder does sound nice, even though they were the bastards who ate all the cherries off the tree.
Baby tastes too much like frog to me. I always spit it back out.
Chickens for the eggs, but cows for the dairy, and then for the meat once they get old & senile.
And I need a chemical shower now after just hearing about Keith Richards. Thank you for the birthday wishes. =)
I'll be over to your places at some point today. I got lots to do until later tonight.
Niel - If you & the Mrs. did visit New England sometime in the future, I'd have to insist.
ReplyDeleteBe careful what you wish for…We did visit in 2001 but I think you and the snow we were chasing were out….
Those plums trees take the longest to produce. There's one that's been in the front yard for as long as I've lived here, and it took 20 years for it to start producing plums. The cherry tree was the best tree we ever had.
There has to be a joke about losing your cherry in here somewhere…..
A bird feeder does sound nice, even though they were the bastards who ate all the cherries off the tree.
That’s because they were hungry and there was nothing else to eat. One thing you could do is check the Birth certificate of all birds coming into the garden to make sure that their parents were married…to each other….
Baby tastes too much like frog to me. I always spit it back out.
I got chicken rather than frog…
Chickens for the eggs, but cows for the dairy, and then for the meat once they get old & senile.
That sounds like I can now eat my mother….She has been suffering from Mad Cow disease for years
And I need a chemical shower now after just hearing about Keith Richards. Thank you for the birthday wishes. =)
You realise that those chemicals will probably have been through Keith’s body at least twice
I'll be over to your places at some point today. I got lots to do until later tonight.
I’ll put the kettle on….
Oooh, that looks surprisingly good on me, perhaps I should try putting the toaster and microwave on as well…
If your dad is anything like my dad then he will never say, "oops, I think I totally screwed up cutting down those trees because of the pool." Instead he'll just put it all back and act like it was part of the plan all along. I don't know, I've never met your dad, but I'm just thinking out loud here. Maybe he decided he'd made a mistake and thought he was fixing it?
ReplyDeleteOkay, okay, so I'm sucking at this, but I have been crazy busy once again the past few days, so my apologies if I haven't kept up to par.
ReplyDeleteNiel - I can't wait for that snow! =)
You can make a joke about something out of anything if one is good enough at it. ;~}
I could pay a midget to sit there in a lil midget-sized booth & check birth certificates, for squirrels too.
If we're gonna start counting, then I'm afraid there are limitless amounts of old & senile folks I can eat. Though, that would taste horrific. This is starting to turn me on, and I have no barf bags.
Keith is like....a living science experiment gone terribly awry. Either that, or the unlocked secret to eternal life, without the aesthetics perfected.
Love the new outfit, btw!
Steve - Haha, that could very well be it. You just may have hit the nail right on the head there. Running around with trees like a drunk ninja trying to fill the yard back in.
The leaves haven't reached the pool area yet. Let's hope he strategized a lil better this time.
WOW, I meant to say "Turn ON me".
ReplyDeleteOh dear god, I'm going to throw up from my own comment.
keith richards snorted his own dad's ashes up his nose...what more is there to say? :)
ReplyDeleteNiel - I can't wait for that snow! =)
ReplyDeleteThat is so refreshing to hear, most people moan like hell – I guess it might stem the rise of those tomato plants of yours
You can make a joke about something out of anything if one is good enough at it. ;~}
Sadly I’m not…
I could pay a midget to sit there in a lil midget-sized booth & check birth certificates, for squirrels too.
Just don’t short change them, they can get a bit touchy about that sort of thing….Are you nuts those squirrels never get married…
If we're gonna start counting, then I'm afraid there are limitless amounts of old & senile folks I can eat. Though, that would taste horrific. This is starting to turn me on, and I have no barf bags.
An interesting thing to get turned on by….glad I read your retraction below…..
Keith is like....a living science experiment gone terribly awry. Either that, or the unlocked secret to eternal life, without the aesthetics perfected.
I must admit if I looked like Keith after paying for eternal life I would demand a refund….
Love the new outfit, btw!
Not bad, although people keep wanting me to toast them as I clatter by….
WOW, I meant to say "Turn ON me".
It sounds like a Freudian slip to me….. “so turned on by the horrific taste of old senile folk…” you probably could have kept a whole wardrobe full of psychiatrists busy for the next 10 years with that one…with their earning it would probably be enough to boost the world economy and get us all out of this dammed recession…Are you sure you want to retract?
Oh dear god, I'm going to throw up from my own comment.
Not on the new carpet, I’ve just had the BlackLOG decorated after your last visit…
Happy Birthday Lil Pixi!
ReplyDeleteDid you bake your own cake from the harvested wheat in your back yard. And when you say pool....you aren't talking about cues and balls, right? Dropping leaves in either case would be a pain to clean up. I used to have an orchard in our old place, but now I have a pool. Next year, I will plant an orchard since we're far enough south to grow peaches, plums and cherries. Apples and Pears were always abundant up North.
Thanks for the laugh. I sometimes feel like the Iron Chef, but without the proper equipment.
Phoenix - Maybe that was his secret.
ReplyDeleteNiel I'm just going to pop my grilled cheese into your (shirt?) there as we carry on conversation.
I like where you're going with this therapy thing. I go in, say how I puked on some really old people who were eating some viagra oranges & trying to have eye bleeding zombie sex & that my weird neighbor touched my wiener on the merry-go-round.
Or, I don't tell them all that. But wait, now I just told all of you all that.
Rebecca - Exactly. Exactly. lol. Though, I am trying to slowly build my iron chef arsenal.
Peaches, plums, and cherries - Now that's what I'm talking about! =)
I could be fully self-sustainable. I'd love to make my own flour.
Thank you so much for the birthday wishes.
That's funny about your Dad getting a lil' tanked while working on projects around your place. Odd about putting all the trees around a swimming pool, but hey, you'll likely never run out of fruit. Cool news about the pool. As you can see, my comments are short and to the point here. I'm desperately trying to play catch up after my long hiatus from the blog world. Take care. And HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!
ReplyDelete