The Advantages and Disadvantages of Penises and Vaginae

From LilPixi, herself...

It's been a long & winding road between surgeries, hospital stays & at home recoveries, and to say I miss being in the swing of blogging & all of you is a major understatement, and I feel it is unfair to just let this blog sit here & collect dust in the meantime. Fortunately, I have some wonderful friends in the blogosphere who have been more than willing & eager to present a guest post for ya'll while I take my time recovering all woe is me & shit, and today I am ecstatic to announce that we'll all be enjoying a guest post from someone in the blogosphere I consider it such an honor to have a guest post done by.

When it comes to the blogging world, Kelly is like my next of kin, so I am beyond thrilled that he'll be gracing us with such an awesome & humorous guest post today, and if you've yet to visit & follow his outstanding blog of epic proportions, Psycho Carnival make sure to pay him a visit afterwards, or the voices of a thousand souls will haunt you in your sleep eternally (A bit much? I think not.) I fucking love this blogger!! My blogging soulmate to say the least. So pop some popcorn & sit back because you're sure to enjoy this ride. Take it away, Kelly.......

THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF PENISES AND VAGINAE

presented to you by your friendly neighborhood guest poster, Kelly... which would be me... you see, oh-so-modestly

As most of you know, some of us (menfolk) own a penis.

Still, there are others (womenfolk) who have a vagina.

And a few of us have both (hermaphrodites).

Today, we shall discuss the advantages and disadvantages of having either a penis or a vagina.

Penis Advantages include:

* The comfort and anatomical ability of being able to piss against a wall, a urinal, face of a homeless retard, behind a friend, over the railing of a bridge or overpass so that it splatters on the cars below or just about anywhere you can fling your ding-a-ling out. Pretty nifty, eh?

* Penises can also be used to put on amusing and interesting puppet shows. (see below)

* And let's say your hands and arms are full of groceries. That handy dandy penis of yours can be used to ring the doorbell to alert your significant other that you're home and in need of assistance with your bags of goodies- or to simply let them know you want them to open the fucking door! Of course, your penis should probably be erect (try stroking it, vigorously) before attempting this and you should be sure the ringer is at the appropriate height or you will probably be shit out of luck. Unless you're that guy, in the above picture. I don't think he'll have any trouble.

Penis Disadvantages Include:

* Let's face it, guys. Penises are stupid looking. The darn thing looks like a deformed sausage link or some variety of mushroom.

* Penises can be quite cumbersome, difficult to handle and will, at times, prove awkward in public places. Guys are usually tugging at their crotches because their one eyed trouser snake almost constantly needs to be shifted here and there in order to avoid discomfort. Women may show their pity upon poor men by offering them a kindly slob job in order to deflate the penis and make it that much more manageable. Everyone wins then! Peace of mind for the menfolk. Protein shake for the womenfolk.

* And, goodness gracious... Who knows when that rascal will become blood-engorged and ready to spew it's whitish vomit on some unsuspecting bed sheet in the middle of the night? I'm talking, of course, about wet dreams. Oh, the horror.

* Bonus boner fact- Horst Schultz achieved a stream of 18 ft 9 in (6 m) with a ‘substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph. Schultz is Penis Spurting Champion of The Universe! Imagine that!

Moving onward...

Vagina Advantages Include:

* Vaginae can be used for extra storage space. I once went to a bachelor party where a stripper did magic tricks with her pussy. The following is not a joke: The skinny blonde haired stripper put a dozen hard boiled eggs into her fleshy storage unit and like a chicken, went to each guy (there was thirty of us, sitting on couches and chairs) and carefully laid an egg from her twat into our frosty mugs of beer. She continued the show by inserting an entire 12 oz. bottle of Budweiser in her mystery hole, along with a bullwhip (don't ask), and a 14 inch zucchini.

Here's the funny part about the zucchini... The stripper had a friend of mine lay on his back on the hardwood floor. The stripper wedged one end of the zucchini into my friend's mouth. She then commenced to ride it with the force of an enraged rhino until it finally exploded all over my good buddy's face. We laughed at him, called him an idiot and kicked him a couple times, for good measure, as he was blinded by chunks of mashed up zucchini and vaginal juices. Blammo! Jolly fun for one and all.

From that night forward, she was known as Vagina Monster.

I've often wondered if Vagina Monster was ever in need of service. In some special, kind-hearted, thoughtful way, I was almost worried about Vagina Monster. And then I would get over it, shift my weiner to the left and continue about on my life's many wonderful journeys.

* I can't really think of any more advantages of owning a vagina. I guess some womenfolk would consider the ability to have a baby with it as some sort of advantage, but I don't see it. I'm glad to have a penis so I don't have to go through all that nasty ol' pain, mess and fuss. A male friend o' mine told me he was in the delivery room when his wife agonizingly popped out a little human critter. I asked, sincerely, "So you witnessed the Miracle of Life, did ya?"

He said, "Miracle of Life? Miracle of Life? It was horrible... absolutely ghastly and disgusting. Oh, and the screaming and..."

I put my hand up. I had heard enough.

Sorry ladies, that you have a vagina. But you still have something to smile about because with your extraordinary vagina... Men will actually want to talk to you. Oh, the joy!

Vagina Disadvantages include:

* Vaginae usually smell like fish or iron or blood or a strange horror-movie type gash between the legs.

* Vaginae bleed for 7 days or more and women are usually experiencing some amount of discomfort and yet they do not die. I do not know whether to congratulate women on living through this every month or running away in fright because, well, let's face it, that's just so supernatural and stuff.

In closing, I would just like to state the obvious that there are advantages and disadvantages of having a veiny dingle or bearded clam. Hermaphrodites, of course, can go fuck themselves, literally. :)

Hey folks, I'm glad I could stop by and help educate and entertain you fine, sophisticated readers. I want to thank LilPixi for the golden opportunity of allowing me to guest host for this excellent, hilarious blog of hers, too. She has been a great and much valued friend for awhile now. I consider her to be a kindred spirit and blogging soulmate, as well. Always kind, supportive and ultra-creative! LilPixi, if you're reading this, (and I'm bettin' you are) I surely hope you are mending well and that you continue to delight and enchant us with future blog posts whenever you acquire the strength to come back to blogging. Take care, Kelly

ICU Too, You're A Fine Nurse, But This Can't Be Happening

But unfortunately it is.

(Hopefully this works & actually posts. Trying a new quick-blogging method through email)

I'm back! And not like James Brown, but more like Liza Minnelli in a rehab center (This is her month, huh?). I'm back hooked up to an IV, in a hospital bed, being prepped for a major surgery on my lung tomorrow morning.

I'm hoping this post goes through. Because of the hospital network security, I've had to try my hand at the email blogging feature for one last hoorah on the blog before I go under the knife.

This is some major shit, ya'll. They're basically rebuilding the lining of my lungs to reduce the chances of it ever happening again to 2-4%. Better than the 80% chance I'm at now, considering it collapsed a 2nd time the other day when I woke up. And after this procedure, I will have TWO tubes sticking out the side of my chest & will be recovering on the Intensive Care Unit for a few days.

Not exactly sure when I'll be back to normal again (even a lil) but that's why I'm here, to let you all know I'll be out of commission for a bit, at least until those tubes from hell are out of my chest.

Oh LAWDY, they better give me so many drugs. I better not feel any of this & I demand to see unicorns!

I'm gonna miss my garden so much (JUST got started on it), and goofing off with all of you in good health as well. I was just starting to feel 100% back to normal before this happened. 

I was convinced I was out of the woods. Ah well, you gotta do what you gotta do to live & nip this shit in the bud.

My apologies for any lack of humor & pictures. Like I said, new blogging method & not such a great set of circumstances right now.

My apologies to anyone I haven't gotten back to in the comments as well. I can't access my blog through this network, so that's why I'm writing this is email & hoping it goes through.

So, I love you all, and like last time, things should be back to normal again before you even know it. I'm also hoping to have a few guest posters during my recovery, so if you're interested in that as well, drop me a line.

Love & light & take care for now, ya'll. Don't do anything I would do.

Love,

Pixi

Don't Eat Barbiturates and Drive, Kids.

So, I know I haven't posted all week, and honestly, I had a few really great ideas at one point, but they completely slipped my mind like boobs in a pool of Jello.

I do, however, have many insane stories in my back pocket, so I figured I'd pop in & share one of those in the meantime, till some of those maybe come flying back to me.

Have you ridden in a car up on a wall?

You should try it. It's exhilarating!

This was an incident that very few pics out there could help in describing, so I doubted myself on if I could draw the scenario out, and this morning it just kind of flowed like wine into Julia Child's cup.

It was a sunny day in Fall, circa 1997. My good friends, whom I guess for legal purposes we'll refer to as Saul & Matty, and myself were having a jolly old time hanging around my homestead.

At one point Saul had decided to take us over to his house in his Impala (which back in that day, was really the pimp of American cars). 

Oh 1997, you're so sexy.
Like, kind of detective with a handlebar mustache sexy.

Before we walked out the door we really had no idea how much Phenobarbital Saul had taken. Just that his current girlfriend had recently turned alternating shades of green & as purple as Violet Beauregarde from one of her binges on a balloon full of "candy" he gave her (which nothing says "Darling, I love you. In fact, so much that I'd like to give you this pretty balloon & see you change colors like a goddamn Iguana." as much) & we probably should have known.

All was good until we got to the rail road tracks (you know, where you're supposed to go 20 mph.), and he floors it & starts going 80, and all of a sudden.......

.

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We're. Driving. On. A. Effing. WALL

.

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And as I hear the ruckus in the back & quickly look behind me...

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.

No effing way were his jeans that skinny.
Also, his left leg was way going the other way. Tell Charlie Sheen you can't always win.
Also, I don't know wtf is up with the car here. Just go with it.

Nope, the side of the car wasn't scraping the wall. We were somehow remarkably driving sideways, on a wall, with the car bouncing on the rough stone, pouncing Matty completely around the back seat like a rubber ball, left to right.

It gets better.

We finally escape the wall & Saul turns us onto a side street & decides to turn his head to the back of the car to get a good look at the wall.

I wasn't even messed up, and when I tell you this mofo's face looked as melted as a Van Gogh painting...

Holy Shit!

Lookin' good, man. Lookin'. Damn. F'n. GOOD!!

.

.

.

So here's where I'm wondering who's watching the goddamn road in front of us & figured maybe it was my job to step in here.

.

.

And that's how you could tell the weird shit, bug power or whatever the hell he was on, had taken full effect.

.

.

Is it needless to say I grabbed the steering wheel & swerved us all from certain death or brain damage?

Now, I know what you're thinking & probably going to say.

But that's the thing about good ol' Saul. He's fucking IMMORTAL.

There are HUNDREDS of incidents where the dip shit, by the laws of nature, should have died.

Among those we've literally seen him fall off a cliff, blow his arm up with explosive gas, smash through glass doors, survive 5+ car accidents, wake up naked on his landlord's couch after hours of trudging waist deep through a swamp in the dead of night, getting his ass kicked while naked hiding in the bushes on his front lawn on angel dust, and I don't have all goddamn day here.

In fact, there should be a series or even a book about the wonderful adventures of Saul, the immortal moron.

There were a few others among the crew almost as messed up as Saul, but he takes the golden taco.

(If you ask me what that means, I cannot tell you. I have no idea!)

So, let that be a lesson to you. If you're going to Liza Minnelli it up

 Don't get behind the wheel.

And don't tell me what's possible if you get the right footing.

Also, there could be someone like this where you live.

Have a safe & comfortable weekend!

Spiders & Straight Jackets. EVERYWHERE!!

I'm not sure if you've ever stepped into a car infested by spiders, but if you have you know....

It started about 3-4 years back. My driveway has the largest canopy of tall trees you've ever seen. I assumed they reached their peak in growth & all living things decided to go ape shit, make a brothel out of & take up residence in these gigantic insect & animal nests in the treetops, and I'm pretty sure of it considering the time a flying squirrel shot out of one & flew down over my head in the driveway one night.

No, it wasn't a bat. It was a real flying effing squirrel.

I know because I was convinced I was hallucinating & felt I possibly should have been taken to the hospital for toxicology testing.

"I just saw a flying fucking squirrel."

"Did you really?"

"That's what it looked like, but flying squirrels don't exist, do they?"

"They sure do."

"Then that's surely what the fuck just flew over my head!"

"You sure it wasn't a bat?"

"Noooooo, this was clear as day a goddamn squirrel with wings."

Exactly WTF happened, cept' in the dead of night.
Might as well be my tree.

And if you did happen to look up above, underneath this canopy, you would notice something...

Hundreds of lil white spiders, falling silently from the pre-apocalyptic sky.

Some things I can get over. Spiders? NOT HAPPENING!!

And thanks to parking bans, drunk neighbors with fireworks & all that super fun stuff, we have to park in our driveways around here.

You know spiders like to come out at night, right?

And wouldn't you know, Pixi's like to go out at night as well?

My parents live in the same house, different apartment, and we share the same driveway, though they rarely go out. If they do, it's usually somewhere quick during the day. Obviously their chances of running into a spider in one of the cars are next to nil.

So, during the first year of this, EVERY. NIGHT I go out, I get about halfway to my destination, stop at a light or whatever, and see a big, white spider making its way across the dashboard.

Clearly, this would cause me to pull over in panic, jump out of the car, and on too many occasions than I'd like to admit, the spider was nowhere to be seen by whomever else was sitting next to me because it had scurried back into the vents where they had made their nests.

People thought I was starting to go truly crazy. My anxiety through the roof, hallucinating spiders left & right when nobody else had seen them.

One night I truly lost my mind - I drove down the highway to grab a fountain soda & had only been out of my house for about 10 minutes. I once again see that scurrying lil shadow out the corner of my eye & jump out of the car.

When I jumped out & turned around, they were COVERING the outside of the car.

I called my mother to tell her somebody was going to have to pick me up, and that I indeed was NOT getting back into the car.

Wouldn't ya know, she not only hung up on my ass, there is no doubt in my mind she only wanted to see me safely snug in a straight jacket at that point.

"But marma, the spidey. He said he'd kill me in my sleep. He's in the room!"

I had to collect myself, squeeze back through that door & somehow get home.

At that moment the lil bastard that had sprung me out of the car was in clear view, so I started thrashing around with my pocket book left & right, in the parking lot of this busy drive-thru. 

Talk about a mental patient sighting. "She's escaped! And she's assaulting the interior of her car!"

I think I cried (along with a heart rate of 150) the whole way home.

But wouldn't you know, I had my ultimate glimpse of both relief & horror on my birthday last year.

After I spent the summer getting into the car shaking like a patient without their Haldol, we all get into the car that morning to go out for breakfast. I look around nervously, I'm hesitant, but I had surely thought this wasn't the time because it was daytime & dry outside.

I happily lift my iPhone to my face & notice something out of the corner my eye. Really?!?

Yeah, again, me! 

What was it?

THE BIGGEST DADDY LONG LEGS YOU HAVE EVER. FLIPPIN'. SEEN!!

Crawling up my leg to say "Happy Birthday, bitch!"

Bloody murder.

That's what I screamed & you better believe it.

Dad frantically pulls the car over. I think by the time he did, I was already out of it & halfway down the street running in circles on this poor normal family's lawn.

But my family? 

THEY SAW IT!!

And my father killed the HELL out of it.

I think in his mind it was kind of like

"We've come for your daughter, Chuck."

I don't think any two people had ever felt so bad in their lives for not believing me & the horror I had seen. That was apparent through my reactions & the time it took them to calm down & console me.

There's ultimately a lesson in this story, people: Don't doubt a crazy person. They may not just be crazy most of the time.

Oh yeah, and if you have to park under lots of spider infested trees, get your car exterminated in the summer for Christsakes.

Summer's coming. NOW I'm so afraid, I'm finally seeing spiders that don't exist. I've seen three, but they were raindrops or something of the like.

Try it, arachnid bitch.
I've got a midget knife.

The Story, The Horror, Monkeys, and Patient Controlled Pain Medication

So, a week has gone by and I wanted to get this out of the way as I feel it's getting to that point of "If that bitch makes one more lung joke or reference....'"

I still ask myself if it really happened & probably will for a while.

8:30 p.m., after my day had gone extremely well. I kicked it with George & Jon, got a good news phone call from a dear friend, had an excellent dinner, was excited for the return home of my mother the very next day, after she had been in Florida for three weeks....

And out of nowhere I'm in the car with Jon driving me to the hospital.

Sure, I've gotten chest pains before, even endured the pain of Pleurisy swelling up my lungs a few times in my life after bouts of Chronic Bronchitis.

Something was very different. Something was urgent & telling me I couldn't lie down on my side till it went away, not this time. Something had pretty much paralyzed the entire upper right side of my body, front to back.

The triage nurse wastes no time & I hurriedly follow her to X-Ray.

The technician is a raging bitch until she realizes she sees something on there that she shouldn't.

I overhear the conversation - "What are they talking about? I have what? Where?

A sudden flip of the switch to sympathy & she walks me back to an ER room with a sharp, blunt look of "This is gonna be a long night for you, kid."

Fast forwarding through being informed my lung had spontaneously collapsed (For no reason apparent to them) & the explanation of a possible chest tube procedure, the surgeon comes in & decides to give me an IV, a few mg's of Dilauted & keep me overnight for observation.

"What? I have to stay here?"

My inner child at that moment.

Half an hour to an hour & the X-Ray machine enters the room & this time I'm flying high on pharmaceuticals while they're taking the X-Rays from the bed.

"It's getting bigger. The doctor is coming back, we're gonna do the chest tube."

` "The fuckin' wha again?"

I still didn't quite get what was about to go down here.
Wtf had even happened between my relaxing night & ending up where & how I was.

I saw myself at home the next day dancing around like Mary fucking Poppins, blowing air bubbles out of some lil straw sticking out of my clavicle through a pinhole.

I pretty much didn't realize wtf was going on until the doctor barged in, rolled me over, shot up the side of my breast/underneath my armpit with two bottles of Novocaine, cut me, and plunged a tube 2 in. in diameter of what seemed like PVC piping into my chest cavity, rubbing against my lung with. every. breath.

With a giant box attached to it monitoring my every breath, compressing the air & fluids that need to be drained from my pleural (lung) cavity.

Very similar, my level of shock & the way I felt violated.

The PAIN (After the procedure). Holy shit, the pain this would be for however long this tube would be in was now a new reality I couldn't handle. Because of my Endometriosis, I have a high tolerance to pain meds & "Shit, they're gonna have to kill me.", I thought.

After yet more Dilauted & my new shocking reality along with the discombobulation of what just happened combined with the strong meds, I am taken up to Med/Surg. And in not knowing how I would ever get through the unbearable discomfort, I often wondered why they didn't bar the windows on this unit?

A few different times during my stay, I had to battle the logic in simply getting up & throwing myself out of it.

"Pain. Baaaadd. Bye-Bye", would occasionally run through my head.

These sweet, sweet nurses, lots of them my age & where I once wanted to be, but now on the other side; the patient.

They heard my pleas, they called my doctors, they tried Morphine, more Dilauted, Torodol, Ultram, and it escalated & escalated as I waited for the doctor to come in & say "Okay, let's get this thing out & get you home."

After an entire day waiting in hell, the doctor finally arrived.
First he had heard me cursing to dear Jon  (My ex who slept in a recliner beside me in Med/Surg & refused to leave my side the entire time I was in there, God love him) about how long I had been there with this unbearable tube stuck through me already & that the doctor had forgotten me (This was really the intolerable pain speaking), so when he came in he first made it clear he didn't wanna get beat up by a psycho chick with a tube in her chest.

"Now, I don't wanna see you in Shaws sometime down the road & have you throwing bananas at me.
Okay, well just not COCONUTS!"

"Hey, there's the asshole! The doctor guy. Go round up some pineapples."

"I like him."

When he ever uttered the words "Probably tomorrow or the next day", the look of horror on my face was too much for even him to bare. He started stroking my forehead & hair & joking with me to console me, just the like the ER nurse downstairs who tightly held my hand & comforted me through the whole tube procedure. I didn't even cry for my mother as I normally would. I had angels by my side the whole time. I owe those angels so much thanks, I can't even describe it.

(Except for my nurse, Lindsay, whom regardless of being a sweetheart, almost ripped out my tube, stole me an assload of scrubs from the washroom, ripped the giant vat of hand sanitizer off the wall to give to me, stated she had a cardiac problem with an average pulse rate of 120, and is probably too much of a danger for the nursing field. Not to mention that this whole time the girl across the hall is pushing the call button EVERY. FIVE. MINUTES for three days & treating the nurses like shit, and Jon is sitting there on his laptop attempting to hack the bitch on the hospital network, while I'm in so much pain, I can't even scream.)

I was angry that whole day but I gave into the fact that this was only to save my life & I had no choice.

They had a choice, though - To help me manage the pain or watch me tumble out their unit window.
This is when they decided I was a special lil case & brought in an Anesthesiologist to discuss PCA.

Some of you are probably wondering what that is. Well, I'll tell ya because this is where it starts getting good.
Patient. Controlled. Analgesia....
Let me repeat - Patient. Controlled. Analgesia
Their way of shutting up patients yelling for more Morphine every hour. Or really, just their last resort for patients in such excruciating pain that hardly anything will make a dent in it.

So the Anesthesiologist gave me options...
- Morphine (Peppermint)
- Dilauted (Wintergreen)
- Fentanyl (Or Watermelon)

The Dilauted made me too sick & dizzy, the Morphine didn't make a dent, but the big fucking F & I were familiar. It was prescribed to me in duragesic form at the pain clinic.

Now, I'm no idiot & I'm cautious with myself. I'm a medical buff for fucksakes, so I was scared shitless & figured they were out of their ever-lovin' minds when they told me I could press the button to deliver the medicine through my veins every 6 minutes & that the machine itself would lock me out after so many pushes of the button over a period of time to keep any risk of overdose down.

Shit, I was about to take a ride down the motherflippin' euphoria rainbow, and possibly so hard that they have to take your vitals every half hour at the start of the insanity. "The Rainbow Ride" as I'm calling it.

"SOMEBODY KILL ME OR I'LL DO IT MY G'DAMN SELF! WTF is going on here?!"

.
.
.
Then the liquid pain candy machine makes its way into the room.
.
.
.
.

You okay, man? You mellow?
Yeah, you're alright! Pain's easin' up.

.
.
.

And then the moment hits where you realize it's actually possible to overdo it with things you're convinced you have under control.
.
.
.
.

Listen, that dinosaur was supposed to be a unicorn & sometimes you draw things a lil weird & then realize they'd look better with guns, wearing diapers & don't fucking judge me, K.

But it worked. I got sleep that night after I had finally learned not to be afraid to keep pressing that button if I needed it like the nurse told me.

The tube came out the next morning, with the biggest sigh of relief, but they kinda had to pry the pump from my hands, and I'm hitting it as much as I can *Beep Beep* "Patient Lockout" as they were getting ready to take it away.

 I floated across the unit that afternoon, in my gown, with my monkey, and went around to the nurses station like it was fn' Cheers & everybody should know my name.
"They're starting me on Percocet now, and where the fuck is Norm, guys?"

And here I am, home, a week later, and sore as HELL!!
And guessing it'll be another week or so before I feel pretty normal again, but I'm getting there. Lots of trouble sleeping with the discomfort.

And there were many comical moments during that stay, but I couldn't exactly write a novel about it here, so I just included all the key moments.

Now, where's that pain medicine button again?
Aww.......... Shit.................

________________________________________________________

On a few side notes: I would like to bring up the Blog Of War.
(No, I'm not a participant, but rather an observer of the contest.)

Mr. B over at BlackLOG has been advertising it & was searching for more interested participants.
I'm not sure if I'm already passed the deadline for mentioning it at this point, but if you're interested, please go visit BlackLOG for the details. This blogger is so talented with his style of comical writing, I'd love to see a few people go head to head.. ;~}

And lastly, I have a new Facebook account especially for my blogging buddies, so if you intermingle the two & have such an account, Friend me on that shit. It's fun over there, and inappropriate 90% of the time, I promise.

Hope you all had a great weekend, and things should be back to normal here before you know it.